17.09.2018
There are many reasons why I think this is simply not worth trying to save anymore.
Some of them are small, like feeling unattractive, small, ugly and undesirable. You might say it's my perception, my problem, you didn't do anything to make me feel that way. But can you tell me the last time you noticed if I dressed up to go out? The last time you commented or just looked at me with interest or appreciation?
I stopped trying because it just felt so bad to be unnoticed. I stopped trying because I felt stupid for doing so. If you're not proud to be with me when I'm at my best, then I'll come down to your level. I'll be ordinary so you won't have to notice.
And no. This isn't just because you don't say nice things to me. I'm not that shallow, though feeling that way about myself does take a toll, and does leave me feeling empty and unappreciated.
Something else that hurts me is the rare occasions when you've been at headquarters when I get back. You forget to tell me that you are there. You forget to tell me where you are. And I've ended up waiting upwards of 15 to 20 minutes for an answer. Whenever it was the other way around, I'd text when I was on my way, I'd be checking your flight. I'd make sure I let you know I was there. I would text if I was going somewhere like the laundry room or the bathroom or to get a coffee. I'd make sure I was waiting for you as soon as you got out. That's the difference. You never seemed to appreciate it. That's what I wanted from you. For you to be excited about seeing me, for you to have missed me to the point where every second counted.
Imagine if I'd made you wait 20 minutes before telling you where I was. You'd have given up and left and said "fuck it. I'm not waiting!" Which is exactly how I felt. But I am soft. And I love you. So I came to you ... every single time. And with each time I broke a little bit more.
This has happened 3 times.
You expect too much of me, when you'd be unwilling to do the same for me. I'm 100% sure of that.
There's no point being together if I'm not important. If I'm not appreciated. If I'm not loved. If I'm being treated with indifference. If everything I do or try to do is wrong or unwanted. If the things I try to give you are unnecessary to you.
I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm alone even when I'm with you.
You never understood me when I'd say I miss you, when we were together. By then we were so disconnected that I felt I don't know you anymore. You were in your own world, and I was never welcome there.
I'm simply not welcome anywhere near you. It's always up to me if I want to see you. It's my choice if I want to come over. You never seem to care one way or another. And I'm tired of it.
I'm just so tired of feeling like I've been pushed away so far that the last things binding us together have snapped and broken.
I'm still hurting over everything that has happened, and I can't take any more.
There is no point in even trying to explain. It's done. I'm done. I'm exhausted and demoralised. I've got nothing left to fight for. You've been gone for months, I was just too afraid to let go. Too afraid of being alone. Too afraid of losing you and the hope that maybe I'm wrong.
If I really was your other half, your person, your back, your support, your safe place, if I really was the woman you wanted to be with, you'd keep me close. You'd do anything to hold me and make sure I never doubted my worth. But instead you've made me feel worthless. You've put me down so low that I don't recognise myself anymore. You've sucked the life out of me and left me dried up and alone.
I'm nothing to you.
So tell me, why should I stay?
Instead of me telling you why I'm leaving, tell me why I should stay.
Are you afraid of losing me?
Do I make a difference?
Are you really in love with me?
Do you think you have treated me fairly, with love, compassion, respect and consideration?
Why should I stay?
We have nothing left but memories.
