"It's Up To You"

(9:31 am)

And I made a choice.

I'm staying away. If he wants me then he can come and get me :)

I have many reasons ... the first one is that leaving it up to me is a cop out. I made it clear what I wanted. Telling me to do whatever I want is telling me that it doesn't matter one way or another.

Being busy means I'll be in the way. So I should also stay away.

It's simple.  I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't prepared to be there. You have things to do and so do I.

___

(4:08 pm)

I underestimated how much it would hurt, and overestimated how much he'd miss me ...

It's suffocating me.

I almost wish he'd kill me swiftly in one cruel blow than this prolonged slow painful death.

To leave me instead of making me drag my pride through the mud trailing my heart behind me like a broken toy.

It hurts. I wish he'd just say the words... tell me I'm not wanted. Tell me bluntly to stay away. Be cruel. Be ruthless. Be straight with me. Don't mince words. You either want me or you don't. You either love me or you don't. You either miss me or you don't. And if we're at the stage that you prefer your own company over mine then we're done here.

It's that simple. And I am strong enough to do it.

I can't do this any more. Crying all the time..   feeling so stupid and naiive and pathetic. Knowing he doesn't care that he hurts me so deeply every single day.

He's just laugh and say that he wishes he had my problems and how happy he'd be... And my heart is breaking in pieces. I wonder how happy he'd be with that

I can't keep doing this.

In and Out of Love

Doubts fill me whenever we are not together.

I see all the things that are wrong. I see the cracks. I see the things that are not there. I see the ghosts and I hear the echo of my fears.

When I can wrap my arms around you and feel you close that's when I can almost forget my doubts and find a small measure of peace, but as you pull away and untangle yourself from the lock my arms create I feel distanced once again.

There are many things that you don't see or understand.

There are many things that I also don't understand. Like my place in your life. Like where I fit in. Because I know by know that I'm temporary ... I just don't know when I'll be kicked out.

"If I Had Your Problems..."

"... I would be the happiest person alive."**

I was so stunned by that statement that I couldn't come up with the reasons why it was so wrong and cruel, but now I have.

I was hurting over the FACT that I'm not high on his priority list. He'll go out of his way to help strangers but when it comes to me I'm sidelined, and made to feel unimportant.

I know I feel things too deeply and I can't help it, I know I communicate my feelings too often and get silence in return.

... but the one thing that stands out more than anything else was that he would be the happiest person alive if the person he loved more than he could bear made him feel unimportant, neglected, abandoned, lonely, unsupported,

Those are not problems as I perceive them. Problems are complications, issues that need a solution.

My feelings are not problems. Feeling unimportant to the man I've given a year and a half of my life to is not a problem, it's pain. Feeling unsupported by the man I have given myself to in every sense of the word is not a problem, it's rejection. Feeling isolated and unwanted by the one person I need more than anything or anyone is unbearable. Feeling invisible when I cut myself open and try to show all I am, the depth of my feelings and how much I love him is not a problem... It just hurts.

So, these are some of the reasons why that sentence was so cruel...

It trivialized everything I said. It made me ashamed of how deeply I love him. It made me feel ugly and small and unworthy of his time.

It cut deep. It hurt. I was already falling apart and he kicked me in the ribs.

How could anyone who claims to love someone do that to them? How could someone who loves someone make them feel so worthless and then tell them that they're loved?

I hurt pretty much all the time.

**This was a line that was said to me when I found the courage to reach out and say that I was lonely, and, among other things, wished he missed me the way I missed him.

I am the Moon to Your Earth

Center the sun to our universe
Reluctant or obliging we dance,
Words of mine in stanza and verse
Undeserving of your slightest glance.

The brightness of sun is a mockery
To the darkness that surrounds the stars,
And under the sun I pledged heart and soul
In the darkness perfection was ours.

Gravity of yours I cannot resist
Pulled close by your magnetic force,
My heart that burns with fire, insists
Gently to open discourse.

But Gravity is fickle and strong
Tides it commands and our blood
My moods swing with the ebb and the flow
Emotions withdraw and then flood.

Create my orbit, re-draw the lines
Construct blind walls that divide
Detail the spaces that are only mine
Place me in the box you decide

The planets still spin, the sun still burns
The galaxy swallows us all,
And here I crash, my heart, it yearns
For the rise that was before the fall.

Center the sun to our universe
Love is bright and it burns,
I circle in vain, I try to come close,
But I am the moon to your Earth.

Alone

It hurts.

My heart rattles around my chest with each beat, bouncing against my ribs, breaking off pieces, bruising, splintering, fragmenting.

There's nothing there to cushion it. Nothing to stop it from destroying itself and me with it.

My heart hurts.

You have taken away your love piece by piece and I felt each one as it was pulled away. I felt the cold slowly seep into me until I froze. I felt the changes as they happened.

You've emptied me out. Left me hollow with a heart that's still beating for you, but with each beat it breaks a little bit more.

You've left me in the cold and expect me to find a way to keep myself warm; but it's you who has stripped me down and taken away your feelings for me.

You don't love me the way love used to feel. You don't care about me or give me thought.

It hurts.

You stopped being in love with me a long time ago.
You stopped looking forward to being with me.
You stopped caring.

Where my love for you grows day by day, yours diminishes slowly over time.

Where you are my every thought, I know I'm not the same to you. I know you don't love me the way I love you.

I know.

I'm just wondering how long it'll take for you to figure it out and realise that you don't want me any more.  I know the day will come.  I know you will discover that you don't need me. I know in time you will look at me and wonder who I am and what I'm doing with you. I know  eventually you'll leave me.

It's inevitable.

I know you don't see it. I know you think nothing has changed. I know you think you love me more.

But what I see is a man who has slowly changed.

You were a man who loved me fiercely, who wanted me, who poured his love into me, who made me fall in love with him. A man who looked at me as though i was beautiful, who told me i was, who told me he loved me in whispers when surrounded by people, who would kiss me at traffic lights and who would make me feel safe. You were everything i could have hoped for. You were my dreams made real. You were my whole world. You felt like home.

You became a man who at one point was bordering on hostility, who I know has the world on his shoulders, and doesn't have anything left for me. You became a man who looks through me, who shuts me out, who doesn't feel like sharing anything with me. And I mirror you. And it hurts me.

You stopped talking to me. We are coming apart. And I'm the only one who can see it.

Space, Time, and Pride

I'm torn.

Part of me wants nothing but to be with you. I will hang up my pride at the door and kneel before you. I would do anything for you. I would let my world fall to pieces if it meant staying in yours for a brief while.

I miss you with the whole weight of my soul. The thought of being close to you makes me tremble and I can hardly wait to feel your arms around me while I hold onto you and pull you as close to me as I can.

The other part of me is stubborn. I would let the world burn if it meant keeping my pride intact. I would rather murder my own heart than think I was taken for granted.

You don't know what you mean to me, or the lengths I would go to keep you close.

You don't know how it hurts to think that I'm not important enough to warrant your attention.

You say you love me, yet you never say it unless I say it first. You say you miss me but only after I've said it.
It's never said voluntarily. It's never said because you feel it.

I want to drag the words from inside you. I want to know how you feel and what you think. I want to be a part of you just as you are a part of me. But it's not going to happen. The honeymoon phase is over and now it's routine. This is how it will always be.

I've become expected to be the one who makes an effort. I'm the one who is always there. I'm the one who gets up in the middle of the night to be there for you. I'm the one who makes her way to you after I come back from work.

I am the one who put myself in this situation by trying to be accommodating. I tried to make things easy. I tried not to be demanding. I didn't want to be the one who made you wake up in the middle of the night to meet me. I didn't want to be the one who disturbed you or disrupted your time.

I put greater value on you than on myself. Your time is more valuable than mine; your space is more important than mine.

By doing so I made myself too easy. I left my pride at the door and did whatever I could to cause the least possible disruption. I ended up making myself so small that the idea of asking for anything is abhorrent.

I've become so used to putting myself last that changing the dynamic scares me because what if I start being stronger and more assertive? What if I stop being so soft and accommodating? What if I stop making things so easy?

Will you bridge the gap that will be caused when I start to pull back? Will you step up and realise that I had been beyond what anyone had any right to expect?

Will you love me more if I make things harder? Would you make more time for me? Would you carve out a space for me if you felt me pull away? Would I be more desirable if I wasn't so giving?

I don't know how to play games. I don't know what the rules are or what I should do to make you notice me.

I only know that I feel small and foolish when I'm there in the middle of the night and you barely look at me. I follow you though.. . Because what other option do I have?

I am there and I feel like an intruder. I feel like I'm not supposed to be there... But what else should I do?

Should I hurt myself and stay home and wait for you to miss me? What if you don't miss me? What if you think I don't miss you?

I will be hurt in all scenarios.

I'll either hurt myself because I could be with you but I'm not (And I know you won't come for me).

Or I could be there and you would take it for granted, and leave me to slowly follow you, pride broken, head bowed, feeling like a worthless tag-along.

I love you too much. I can't help myself.  And I don't think I will ever stop hurting over this.

Placement

There is no space for me.

As small as I might be, as graceful as I try to be, as gentle as my soul is, I have no space in your world.

I have known this for some time. I recognised it ages ago, but I stay and I hope that it will change. But it wont. It can't.