Love Was Not Enough.

I once truly believed you were my destiny. I was so sure I'd found the missing pieces of my soul in yours, and that I was finally safe.

I once thought you were the only one for me. That life didn't exist beyond whatever we could create between us.

I let myself fall in love with you. A deep, unlimited, engulfing feeling that transcended everything. I let you become my life.

You were my perfect match, and I loved you with all my heart and soul. Unconditionally. You were perfect in my eyes. 

The hardest part is that to an extent I still feel that way. Under all the pain, all the unhealed scars that are still bleeding, I still defend you to myself. I still love you. I still miss you. I still fall asleep imagining you next to me, your arms around me. I still wake up missing you. 

I am not naive enough to believe that you feel the same way about me. 

You are still my every thought, but now those thoughts are coupled with the knowledge that we are heading for a separation. I can't see a way to save us. 

There is no path ahead of us, we've reached the end. 

The Inevitable End

04/09/2018

Time has passed and brought us here. This is where it ends.

We are too different and we have grown apart. We are not in love anymore.

We have stayed together because it's easy. It's convenient. But there is nothing left that bonds us together as a couple. We are not on the same wavelength anymore.

I have tried to open up. I've tried to show you how I feel and what I miss. I've tried to show you what has changed and what I wish we could have.

It all fell on deaf ears, and worse you hit back at me with empty words and empty accusations. It was my fault.

I can't keep taking the blame for everything. I can't keep being the person who is in the wrong. It feels wrong, so I speak up about it.

I've tried so hard to be easy. To follow you. I've tried to find a way to make it work. I've compromised on everything.

I can't keep doing this. I don't feel safe. I don't feel loved. I don't feel wanted or attractive. I don't feel like a girlfriend. I have been reduced to something small and ugly. It's not who I am.

600 Days and Counting

24/08/2018

I just realised that I have been feeling this disconnect between us for at least a year and eight months.

That's more than half the time we have been together.

I don't know why I haven't spoken up about this before. It has to be said now. I can't waste any more time on something that's effectively been dead for so long.

It's getting worse and worse with every passing month.

Now I've become indifferent to you. I've stopped caring and it's not my fault. You have driven me to this. You've hurt me over and over and over till I can't feel anything anymore. You've gone cold and abandoned me and in doing so you've driven me away.

It'll be so easy to pin this on me. It'll be so easy to blame me and say it is all my fault. I'm expecting it. It will hurt because the injustice of it all is enough to kill me, so I'd have to be prepared.

My Silence

21/08/2018

I have nothing left to say.

I listen to your words, your messages, and parts of them make me smile, other parts let slip what you think and your attitude towards me. Those are the parts that have made me keep my silence.

I have nothing to say.

My world is silent for once. I'm lost inside my self. I need time and space to process my thoughts.

I'm just a bit lost. Every time something small breaks I have to adapt to the new status. You break things without realising. I don't say anything. I try to adapt alone.

Whenever I have tried to regain something that got lost, it's a fight I always lose. And now I can't remember what I had. I remember the shadows and their weight because now in their absence our entire relationship has little substance.

We were in love. Deep in each other. Your passion matched mine. Your desire was as hot as mine.

Each time I lose a part of us a part of me dies.

This time it was the sacred bond between us. Acknowledgement. Love. The simplest of all things: time.

Saying good night was too much.

In your own words: I was already asleep so what was the point? There was no urgency to say anything to me. There was no reason to send a message.

What you don't see is that it means you've become complacent when it comes to me. I can wait. I can be put on the back burner. I can be delt with later. You feel no rush to catch me before my eyes close. To be the last person I hear from.

You don't think your messages matter. You don't realise your importance in my life. You don't realise the meaning that is attached to everything you do. The weight of your words is enormous because of the weight of your importance in my life.

The meaning is huge because you are everything to me.

When you take that for granted, I realise that perhaps I am worth less to you than I hoped. 

My words and actions mean little.





Love is simple, easy and doesn't ask questions. It simply exists.

It's the things that come with love that are complex.

The Crux

21/08/2018

"The devil is in the details."

Isn't that what they say? Even now I don't quite know what that means, but what I do know is that it's the little things that count. The tiny things that have changed, and in their changing they have altered everything. Our entire picture has been altered with these seemingly tiny changes.

I've mentioned them all before. I've cried and begged and begged. I've tried to explain why I need what I need. I've begged you to tell me you love me. I cried and asked you to tell me you miss me. I laid my pride under your feet and let you crush it. I haven't done that in a while. I learnt that asking will make you give it to me once, begrudgingly and you will mock me for it later. I learnt that explaining myself and why I need to hear those words means nothing to you.
I learnt that hoping if I say them first you will echo me is a fool's hope. Nothing will come of it.

I've learnt that now, even hoping for a simple "goodnight" is too much to ask for. The reason why this is such a big deal is that it's not about the words or the circumstance, it's about meaning.

You telling me goodnight is meaningful. You heard me, you are closing our conversation. You are letting me go with grace. With a kiss. With love. It is meaningful because you're mine. Because I'm yours.

You ignoring me is in essence telling me I'm not worthy.

We used to be in love. We used to really be crazy about each other. I was happy. Time spent with you was magical regardless what we did or where we went.

You used to tell me I was a turn on, that I was sexy, desirable, wanted... you made me feel beautiful and that made me more open, more courageous. I felt safe enough to tell you some of my deepest desires and turnons.

I don't feel safe anymore.

I don't feel anything. I take it a day at a time. I've given up on so much. I've let my vibrant world turn to grey. I've become a boring version of myself.

I used to be more than this.

Life is so much more than this. I want to feel loved, I want to be in love, crazy mad wonderful exhilllerating passionate beautiful strong and wild. I want to be a part of you, part of a whole. I want to have something that doesn't make me scared or afraid of saying the wrong thing. I want to have something that makes me happy and excited. I want to be in love, and I want someone to be in love with me.

And I've known this for months and I did nothing about it. I sat on it and stayed quiet hoping that you'd realise who I am. I'm the woman who would give you anything and everything. Nothing would be too much trouble or too much effort.

I loved you with all my heart and soul. It was too much.
I've had to dilute it until I don't recognise it as love anynore. We've settled into routine. We've given up on passion.

Meaning is everything. Depth and layers and colour. You don't see me anymore. But I still see you. I still love you. In moments where it comes back strong enough to take my breath away ... but you are still cold and so I hold it all inside me.

There's more to life than this... there's more to love than this.

I deserve more.

Points of Conversation

03/07/2018

1. Why is it so hard for you to say you miss me in messages, even after I've said it? It hurts when I'm opening up and sharing what I feel, only to be ignored completely.

2. At least have the decency to acknowledge what I'm saying... sometimes you'll act like I said nothing. It makes me feel worthless and invisible, especially if I've said something that is a vulnerability on my part, or something I'm usually shy to admit to. It really crushes me when I open myself up and you can't see it. Like if I say I want you to take me to bed, or if I open up about my sexual needs. Or if I mention anything regarding that. If it goes ignored I feel ashamed for mentioning it.
(I feel like I'm being pushy. All I want is to be with you.)

3. I am afraid it will take you another 5 years before you realise I'm not right for you. You tell me it's exhausting being with me, but it's also draining me. I am exhausted. Taking hit after hit, and you wonder why I am always so nervous and jumpy. It's because I can't handle being hurt anymore. I can't handle having my pride crushed out of me. Your rejection hurts. And it is rejection of my affection and my emotions.

4. I know I'm not a priority. It hurts. I can't take it any more. I love you more than you love me. There is no balance between us. We have grown apart so much that I can't feel anything left. I love you, but it's hurting me too much. I can't feel you. You're so wrapped up in your world that you don't see me or hear me anymore.

5. You don't seem to be able to give me what I need. We are apart most of the time, I need to feel safe. You starve me of emotion, even the most basic and simple of emotions. I need affection. And it's not hard, it doesn't take a second to kiss or whisper I love you. Or to say that you're happy when I'm with you.  I need that kind of validation. If it's too much to ask for then what are we doing here?

6. When I'm alone, all I can think of is the feel of your arms around me and the way it feels when you kiss me, properly ... not a small peck on the lips but a real kiss. Its all I want. But when we are together it's cold. All I want is to lose myself in you and feed off your warmth and feel human again. I need you... And you can't give me what I need. You don't need what I need. You don't need me.

7. I can't take much more. I'm all cut up and bleeding, and it means nothing to you. My pain means nothing. And it's pain that's making me act up. I can see myself doing it.
I rant when I am hurting and I want to throw myself into your arms and I want to show you what you're doing to me. But you can't see it.

8. I don't think we are compatible any more. Based on all this, I'm too passionate, I'm needy and affectionate and I need to feel safe. I don't feel safe with you. I'm expecting something new to hurt me at any given moment.
I will continue to spin out of control, and with each new lapse you'll love me less while I hold on to you tighter as I try to find my balance.
This is the exact problem that will see us split. It'll make you leave me while I've dug myself into a hole I can't escape.

Love is madness in my world. It drives me to insanity. And if it's not matched it'll drive me mad with frustration.

9. Being together makes no logical sense.
I am here because I can't leave. I love you too much. I'm afraid it's premature. I should wait to be sure that it's nothing to get better. Our golden days were I the past.
I don't want to look back and think ibdidnt do all I could.
I can't make you happy. You can't give me what I need.

It should end.

I'm Tired of Writing About This

01/06/2018

I have gone cold.

Love still burns inside me but he is undeserving of it.

I have made mistakes, it's true.

But whatever I give to him leaves no mark. It's unappreciated. It's like dust.

So what is the point of trying?

_____

5/6

It just occurred to me that I've wasted so much time doing things that meant nothing. In trying to be supportive, it was not seen, not just taken for granted but it didn't even register.

Nothing I do means anything.

I'm stuck in a place where I can find no light or happiness. No fulfilment... I'm starving for a kind word, a sign of love. A hint of appreciation.

I love him with all my heart and he doesn't care.

_____

13/6

I've changed.

I remember a time when I would cry and my soul would feel crushed inside me at the lack of intimacy. I'd beg him to say the words I needed to hear. Now I have stopped saying them except in moments of weakness.

But what kind of a life is this? What kind of a relationship demands silence on the one thing that binds two people together? That effectively makes me hold my feelings inside until I burst.

I've stopped caring. I've stopped trying. Back when I would open up and say what I felt. When I would try to show what was wrong and what I needed I'd be belittled. Instead of being comforted and shown affection I was shown contempt.

It's not like me to be cold.

I can't fight any more.

There is nothing to fight for.

_____

15/06/2018

Stubbornness has always had a home in me. This time is one of them.

I refuse to speak. I said words yesterday and they were misunderstood and twisted and ignored. I opened my heart and it got stabbed.

I have tried hard. I have given it my all. I have opened up even when I didn't want to, even when it made me uncomfortable, because i wanted to make it work.

He got defensive and blamed it all on me. I am the one imagining things. It's all in my head. I'm the problem.

All I wanted was to be loved.

I pushed him a little and instead of comfort and gentleness I got coldness and indifference. I got pushed away as if none of what I said affected him. It's just me.

I can do nothing more.

I need more.

Maybe I'm Asking You to Let Me Go

21/05/2018

I am hurting and I don't know how to process it.

I want you to leave me and I want you to be there for me. I want you to care.

I know what will happen. You are more distant than usual, I try to fill up the spaces, I fail to. I get hurt. I explode. You wonder what happened.

You have me. A young, intelligent, beautiful, kind, compassionate, and selfless woman who loves you insanely, and you neither see it nor appreciate it.

Maybe I need you to just stop. Stop talking to me about stuff that could make no difference to me. Politics and economics... I'm smart but sometimes I just want to be normal... to relax and talk about nothing, to lose myself in you and just live in the moment. Maybe I need you to stop filling the hours you spend with me talking about other people and try looking inward and telling me about you.

Maybe I need you to stop telling me abstract pieces of a puzzle I'm supposed to put together, and either say nothing or say it all.

Maybe I want you to ask me how I am, or show an interest in me and how I am feeling.

My words roll off your mind like water off a duck's back. They leave no mark, they are barely heard and not understood.

I tell you I love you past the point of madness and you roll your eyes and leave me.
I tell you that when you're not with me it feels like pieces of me are missing.
I tell you that distance is the hardest part...
I tell you my secrets and my hopes and my fears... And you say nothing. I vent my frustration and my pain and you stare at me blankly.

I have given you all of me. And you still have no use for any of it.

The Reasons

12/05/2018


1. I'm not happy anymore. Because
     a. I feel taken for granted
     b. Nothing I do or say seems to matter
     c. I get no feedback on anything: what I say, what I tell you, what I wear, what I do.
     d. I feel like I've stopped meaning anything to you. My presence is tolerated more than its sought. I'm allowed to be there rather than wanted to be there.
     e. I don't feel safe (I half-expect you to hurt me at any given point so I can't fully relax) it could be anything from a photo of another woman, to some hidden connection you never bothered to tell me about before (selling your motorbike). I feel replaceable, I feel like I don't belong with you (not even a small space in your flat or your life for me. Just enough for a couple of t-shirts socks underwear and a pair of jeans). I feel that I am giving you so much more than I am getting back.
     f. We don't talk. And I mean we don't talk about us, about what we want or need from our relationship, we don't talk about the future except that you will leave in a few years. We don't talk about intimacy or sex or desire or anything that could bring us together emotionally. I feel stranded by myself trying to connect to you but not knowing how to.
        g. You would move heaven and earth for your family. You will search out things to do, you want them to be happy. You tidied up and cleared everything (including all traces of me) ... And yet for me you wouldn't even do something I had already paid for. Even when I got us tickets to the cirque du Soleil you fought every step. You didn't want to go. I felt like I had dragged you there against your will, and I know you didn't like it and that made me feel even worse.  I haven't asked you for anything ... I feel guilty for even trying to suggest we do something because you always want to do something else.
It did hurt when you went to the frame ... I'd thought I would have to drag you there, but tickets in advance in order for you to go with me ... But you just went  no planning needed. And that hurt more than you know. It showed me that you are capable of doing something different and fun and spur of the moment... just never with me.
I will always be the outsider who has no rights. I don't know why you wanted to go to Prague with me :) at first I thought it was what people in relationships did. They go on holiday together ... But it didn't feel like a holiday. You weren't well, but there was more. I could feel if. You were cold. No holding hands, no stolen kisses in the snow... Nothing romantic  even though the city was built for it. It is majestic and beautiful and magical. So why did you want me there when I felt you'd have been so much happier if I wasn't? Why take leave with me when you would avoid it all the time after that? When you'd never want to do anything or go anywhere with me?
       h. I just want to feel loved. Told those sweet, romantic things, really looked at and seen, I want someone to love me the way I love you. I want to be touched and kissed and spoiled and made a fuss of. Not because I ask for it, but because it comes naturally. I want to be told I am loved and missed and that I make a positive difference. I want to feel like I'm wanted and that being with me is better than being alone. I feel none of that with you. I'm tolerated. You don't seem to care if I'm there of not. We don't seem to be in love with each other anymore.
         i. I still feel the deep pain I felt when you conveniently forgot about me for 10 days. Not a word. Not a single indicator that I meant anything to you. Nothing. My god but that hurt. And you had no idea that I was on that state. You expected me to be fine. And that broke me. I haven't been the same since. And I can't talk to you about it because I tried. And you cut me off and made it about you. How tough it was on you. How demanding it was. And when eventually we spoke you were angry because you felt I was being a third problem for you to handle... I was never a problem ... In my mind it was us against the world. It was me at your back supporting you. I was never meant to be a burden. I was expected to forget my pain and help you feel better. But you never do :) you push me away.  I'll never be yours because you don't want me to be.
The worst part is you told me I was being dramatic ... you should know by now I avoid confrontation and arguments and drama. I told you I felt like my heart had been ripped out of me and it was killing me. It destroyed me... And you brushed it off like I'd said nothing. I needed you to help me heal but instead you just left me broken and expected me to fix myself so we could keep doing what we do best... say nothing, smile,  small talk... go to the mall...

I know what you are capable of. You're capable of jumping on a plane to say happy birthday to your daughter while forgetting mine. Not even a mention ... all you talked about that day was SEP. 10 minute messages and nothing personal.
I know you are capable of planning and researching and buying tickets online ... just not for me.
I know you will go to the beach 7 days in a row and yet it's just too much effort to go with me.
So why are we even together? If we can't enjoy our time together? If we can't at least communicate? You held me accountable for staying in and watching stuff on my laptop when you wanted to go shopping ... making me feel selfish and unappreciative ... because of a breakdown in communication. I didn't know what you wanted to do. All you remembered was that I said it wasn't my favorite activity... But what choice do I have? I have no options but to do what you do. That's my reality.

These are some of the reasons why I think we simply don't work anymore. It's broken and I can't fix it because it's things that can't change. You have changed with time and I was forced to change with you. But I can't change anymore.  I love you more than you know but this is not healthy for me. I can't keep doing this to myself.

It's hurting me too much... It felt like a breakup before ... it really did and it gutted me. But this slow sustained pain is worse.

There is an analogy as to how it has become that maybe you'll understand... late night comedy ... we used to watch every video we could find. We used to drink them in and look for more... then suddenly we stopped... finding maybe one or two in a week then a month and then 3 or 4 months ... that's what happened with me. You suddenly stopped everything ... no longer told me you loved me or missed me or that I looked nice or that you found me attractive or pretty. I stopped trying to look nice coz you'd never notice and I'd end up feeling stupid and self-conscious. I'd feel ugly and boring in jeans but at least I looked normal instead of a skirt and heels and feeling invisible.

You stopped caring... you threw my compliments back at me with a sarcastic  'yeah right!' when I was being sincere ...

I'm too sensitive for you, and love isn't enough.

Message

07/05/2018



And somehow you and I have nothing to talk about which makes me restless.

The more I look at it the more I realise that I try so hard to be happy and smile and make things work, and I just end up getting hurt time and time again. I take the hits silently, I don't complain, I smile through it and pretend everything is ok even when it isn't. What good would it do anyone if I cried and showed how I felt? I'd just get told I have nothing to be upset over and I'd feel worse for showing a vulnerability and being sad when instead you could have been happy.

And now I've become so quiet that the few times when you are online we simply say nothing. But the weight is on my chest and the more the silence continues the more weight I feel.

And the sad part is it's normal to you to talk about nothing, but my whole world is thought and feeling and a crazy sense of wonder and excitement. I am a creature of adventure and the desire to explore... and you have done all the adventuring and exploring already :)

I realise that you'll never want to come with me on a new experience for me if you've done it already. I can see so much of the things we will never do, all of the places we will never go... all of the things you'd do for others but would never even consider doing for me.

I have known it for ages, but thought that maybe I'm wrong. I have had time to think though, evaluate all the data I've gathered, and I know I wasn't wrong.

And you'll say this has come out of the blue, and maybe this time it has...

Strength to do What's Necessary

18/04/2018

I've been writing about my discontent for more than a year.
Contemplating breaking up for the better part of 8 months.

Yet here I am, still here. Still putting up with the same things that made me unhappy.

It's time to end it.

I wanted to talk first, to try and resolve things, and to explore the possibility of a fix. But now all I want is to show that I'm not prepared to keep doing this.

Love is not enough.

I always put him first above what I should have done for myself. It's my fault for being weak, but the rare times when I actually stood up for myself made me feel bad.

I let it happen. I am weak. I let my emotions rule and I wasted all my time giving in to my impulses. I wanted to be wherever he was. A moment spent apart was a moment wasted. I still feel that way.

Only I feel that way though.

I've come to realise that I will always give more and I will always be taken for granted.
I will never be as important to him as he is to me.

We are unequal in our affection and attachment to each other.
I'm only getting hurt more and more and he doesn't realise it.

I know it'll be pinned on me, I can hear him telling me: "so do what you want!"
And I know I'll say "I can't"

My whole system is rigged in his favor.  I can't help but put him first while he puts me last ...

It'll never work. I can't change myself. I can't try to care less. I can't try to Love him less. I can't put myself first even when I know I should.

I wasn't overstating when I said that my world revolves around him but now I can see the terrible flaw and all the time I wasted.

I give too much.

I'll always be hurt. Always be the one who gives everything and receives nothing. I'll always be the one who is taken for granted.

___

I tried to talk to you. I tried to show you who I am and how I feel and how things look from my side. Instead of staying and giving me these days ... you left.

It'll always be like this.

I'm exhausted with trying so hard to make it work. I push myself past my pain and my fear.  I hold on to every second I spend close to you. I am always left needing more.  I'm too physical. Too emotional. I need real intimacy where everything is shared and open and free. We don't have that.

I will always be the outsider. The tag along.

I'll always be left behind and expected to be here when you decide to come back. You have no attachment to me. You are perfectly fine without me.

It Has to End

10/04/2018

It will break my heart.

I love him, but we're just not right for each other.

You don't see my struggles, and You don't understand half of what I say  ...

You Tolerate Me

31/03/2018

My quirks are not reasons to love me ....

To you they are annoyances that you don't respect and try to overlook

What you don't realise is that they are what I am most proud of .

Threads of Rebellion

29/03/2018

Abstraction.

I can't detail what is wrong. It's just a snake coiled in my stomach choking me.

I feel unneeded. I do not add any value to your life at all. I would want to explore the world with you... you aren't interested in that.

I don't think we will ever do any of the things I want to do. I want a person in my life who I can count on. Who will watch out for me. Who will protect me even from myself.

You are not that kind of person.

I don't think we are compatible anymore...

Our goals
Our priorities
Our interests
Our desires
Our hopes
Our needs

We are on different paths. I followed you on yours. But now you've shifted direction further away from me ... And left me behind on your old one.

You have no space in your life for a girlfriend. You have no space in your life for me.

Love is just a word... not a feeling...

I doubt you'd miss me when I'm gone.

Short

27/03/2018

She loved too hard
She loved too deep
It imploded back into her
She broke under it.

When a lake dries up, look for the sea

This will probably come as a surprise to you. In trying to talk to you I've realised that you think everything is perfectly fine. Whereas I have realised that I no longer have any reason to hope for an improvement on our relationship.

I have been hurt over and over and over by the little things you do that show no consideration for me. The hundreds of needles I can feel still prickling and hurting. You say you love me but it doesn't show.

I'm left with a bitter taste of indifference in the back of my throat, and my soul has been crushed so many times, I no longer feel whole.

I'm not as difficult as you would have me believe. You see me as an irrational woman who is impossible to please.

I'm only a girl, wanting to be loved for who she is. I'm just a human being trying to connect.

We have nothing left to fight for.  It's all gone, died while I was the one keeping it alive. Breathing life, pouring love into what was already long gone. We have nothing left between us but empty promises and forgotten dreams of happiness.

What I was giving you was an endless river, but it ended up draining into your desert leaving nothing behind. No traces are left. You felt none of it. You needed none of it.

I can't keep doing this to myself.

The Signs and Symptoms of Heartbreak

My darling,

164 hours have passed since I last saw you. You reversed and drove away,  leaving me behind with a broken heart and a pain so deep that it broke me.

You don't know what you mean to me.

Love is not a word, my dearest. Love is a universe that has me in its grasp. I live it. I breathe it. I am swallowed up in it. Love is a tangled web of emotions. It's pride, it's beauty, it's longing, desire, lust, need, pain, madness and a profound sense of being half of a magnificent whole.

To you I am only a person. A name, a number. I have not transcended into the universe that is you. I am firmly outside. Kept at bay. Kept on the doorstep, never let close to your heart. You have sealed yourself off from me, and I'll never be allowed in. That space has already been filled.

Your choice of how to handle me has shown me everything I suspected. Hours passed and I saw my unworthiness of a second of your time.  I saw myself become a background thought in your mind that was left there until you found time for it. I saw the lack of emotion or empathy that I've always known was there but never fully witnessed until now.

You don't realise that you broke me. You don't realise that you have the power to fix me with a single word.

Tell me your pain. Tell me you are overwhelmed, that you are having trouble coping, that you need me to be there, to support you, to lend you my strength and my shoulders to hold you up. Do you think I wouldn't understand? Do you think I would abandon you as you have abandoned me?
Do you think I would have demanded as much attention as you are expending on your family? Don't you know me by now? Haven't you seen the lengths I would go to just to try to get under that armour and hold you until you are stronger?

However, I've seen your inability to keep me close. You don't know how to show me that you care. Maybe you do. Maybe you do love me as you say you do, but your actions only point to not being able to have both halves of your life at the same time.  I will always come last.

I am looking at it from your side. I can try to put myself in your shoes. I can try to imagine the huge toll this is taking on you emotionally, physically, mentally, financially ... I can try to imagine how it is impacting you... But it's difficult to see where I fit in. I don't think I do. I think you are so completely absorbed in your world that I am simply someone who you can't talk to or deal with while you are going through this. I'm not your other half. I'm someone to have around when it is a little less busy.

I come with heavy emotions and fiery passion. I come with the kind of love that poets write about and movies have failed to capture. I bring the insanity of pure, undiluted love that burns what it touches. If you take it and feel it and let it echo in you and ignite your own then you'll know what it is to truly be in love. If you let it through your walls and pull at your heartstrings then you'll understand it's madness. You'll know why I break down and cry when you pull away. You'll understand my devastation when you draw out of my world and leave it to implode back into me with a force that crushes me. Your absence leaves me hollow.

I have tried to dilute it, to go cold, to love you less in order to match the strength of yours... it only made me feel wretched. I felt like I wasn't giving my all ... But when I did give my all, when I let it burn and build and explode within me... it was met by indifference. You can't see it or feel it. You don't feel it burn me up and the way i melt against you... the sighs that escape me and the way i need every single cell of your body to melt into me.

I tell you fragments when it becomes an unbearable burden to hold it inside. I tell you I love you with undying strength and passion. I tell you how it hurts when it is unreciprocated.

All I want is to know how you feel. If you miss me, tell me otherwise it feels as though you don't. If you love me, say the words, don't withhold them and hurt me with the weight of their absence. Look into my eyes and show me that you see me. The whole beautiful, wild, passionate mess that I am.

But you call my feelings a headache and see my words as complaints. You look at my love negatively and without emotion. It means nothing.

Words are my life, but emotions are what feed me. I sense them.

I know you can't understand me. I'm a vague mess that you can't touch. Intimacy comes occasionally in the dark when you reach out to me and make me feel needed. There is no longer desire in the act, nor love nor passion. It has become a ritual that is not fully enjoyed. Don't be afraid to immerse yourself in me. Don't hold back... let yourself loose, find the wild beast within you and unleash the demon in me and feel what can happen when we both burn... Let our bodies embody true passion... not a diluted action that brings momentary gratification but leaves you empty afterwards.

I can tell that words do not come easy to you. You can't tell me what is locked within you. Perhaps you don't want to. Perhaps you are not able to. Perhaps I'm not the one who is destined to unlock you.

My darling, I am a whole person who has not chosen to love you but who fell in love with you. It was not a conscious choice but a slow process that took months to fully manifest. It has never wavered nor faded because it is real. It is not a fad or something that will fade. It gets stronger with time.

I never meant to overwhelm you or make you feel trapped. I never meant to make you feel suffocated or unable to escape me or the depth of my emotions. I am unable to give less than my whole self. I warned you at the beginning. I warned you that I was afraid of loving you too much. I told you I was afraid my love would suffocate you. I think I was right.

I know there have been times when I was overwhelmed. I couldnt find the words I needed. I couldnt articulate my feelings. I know there were times I failed to show everything that was in me.
I tried to find a small silent space alone for a few minutes to think and find the words inside me. Simple words. I know it is hard sometimes.
But is it possible to express this confusion and inability to think or process? Is it possible to reach out and say the words that are hovering on the tip of your tongue?

Is it hard to say "I love you" if the emotion is felt? Is it hard to say "I miss you" if I have left a space in my absence? Is it hard to open your heart a little and spill your emotions into me? Don't you know your heart would be safe in my hands? Don't you know you have a home in my arms?

... But all I have witnessed is that I have no space in you. I am a burden instead of a partner. I am a headache instead of a woman who loves you to the point of madness. I am a leech for your attention, not a soul who wants to drink your kisses and feed off your emotions. I am a pain to handle, not a heart that beats for you in steady rhythms that have become heavy and distorted in your absence.

You might see my love as a burden instead of a light breeze that caresses you and engulfs you and warms you. You might want less. But I can't give you less than my whole.

It hurts me deeply when I feel like I'm on the outside. Never fully inside you. I need a deeper connection. I worry that it is not possible.

You and I are fire and ice. I can't melt you. You can't freeze me.

I also suspect that poetry can't reach you. You'll look at that last sentence and draw a blank. It doesn't make me love you less. It makes me want to find words that you could better understand.

I was hurt when I realised that you are capable of planning outings and trips and activities. You want to explore the city and experience everything with your daughter who hasn't been here before. You want to share the wonder and watch her smile and be at awe with what is here to enjoy. You expend your energy in finding as much to do in as shirt a time as possible... I have never been worthy of that. I have never inspired that in you. I have tried to find things for us to do and it is always met with a listless sense of obligation. It makes me feel bad when I realise that what I've been asking to explore with you is too much...

I want to be with someone who wants to see me come alive. Who wants to see me with open eyes taking in something new. I want to be with someone who wants to explore and experience the world with me. I don't think that could be us.
You tell me you take thousands of pictures, so many that you put your phone on flight mode... yet with me your phone is used to find news while I watch you,  hoping you'll look at me and see the woman I am. Hoping you'll soften and be able to love me. Hoping you'd want to do something with me that is worth capturing and cherishing... there is not a single picture of us together. Not one. You simply aren't interested in making us something you want to remember.

I will never be the woman you see yourself with. Your actions all point in that direction.  From your reaction when I'm broken, to the way I'm not worthy of your time or words. From the way you tolerate my existence to the way I'm unworthy of plans. You give everything you have ... just never to me. In the 22 months I have been with you, I have watched myself become nothing in your eyes.

You don't look for me anymore.  When you pick me up you are on your phone. You never seem happy to see me. The long lingering kisses have faded to a peck on the lips that leaves me hungry for more. I remember how you used to wait for me. Eyes searching for the moment I appear. Devouring me no matter what I look like. You don't see the progression.  You don't see how you have become bored and unimpressed.

You don't see how my eyes still linger over you. The way I study your stance, the shape of your lips, the colour of your eyes. You don't see the way I smile or the way I search for you... when I tell you how I see you and the way you are still perfection in my eyes ... You refuse to believe me or you make me feel that my compliments are unwelcome.

You are impatient with my flaws, you are intolerant of my shortfalls, you make me feel stupid, unworthy, petty, immature ... when I know I am none of those things. I am deep, I am beautiful. I am more than you are willing to see. You make me nervous, you make me shake uncontrollably for reasons I have yet to understand. You make me afraid of being with you because I know I will come away with the same hunger I came to you with. And I know you will leave me on my doorstep with the same coldness I have come to expect.
No longer are there words of love and comfort. No "I miss you already"s or "stay with me..." no longer are there words of desire "I can't wait to be inside you ..." And if I say them you ignore them... they mean nothing to you. They are my deepest desires and a lowering of my defences.

I hoped we could rebuild our love, rediscover our wonder for each other, I hoped with time you would once again fall in love with me. But we are growing apart more and more with each hour that passes...

Love is more than words, my beloved. Love is a way of life. I ache with desire because it's simply an outlet for love. Simply thinking of you makes my heart race. You don't realise how much I love you. It isn't a burden, it's a gift.

I realise now that we are running out of time. You are pulling away. I'm holding on tighter.  Our compatability is fading.  My love isn't enough to keep our relationship running. You can't see it yet, but I think you feel it.

Your reaction when I talked to you, telling me I was one more person pulling at you, one more source of pressure told me that you underestimate me. I was frustrated. I was left behind. I was never a priority. I never will be. It's not something one can ask for.

When you asked me what I wanted to hear and I said an apology. After all, didn't you leave me? Didn't you make me feel forgotten? Didn't you say that you didn't even have 30 seconds for me? I am not a random person who is an acquaintance. I am supposed to be the most important person in your life. I know i am not. And I know you don't think I should be.

I can't do this anymore.  You won't change, I don't expect you to. We have grown apart. I am not what you need anymore. You don't appreciate me. While my love gets stronger yours disappears in equal measure.  You know I can't leave so you give less...

But now... I have to leave.

I want to be someone's priority. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Who can love me for all my flaws and faults and occasional madness. I need someone who wants to explore the world with me. Who will give me as much as I give them. Someone who can match my hunger for life. Someone who wants to memorize every moment we spend together because they know that time is precious and we are all here but for a limited time. Life is a flash. I want to be someone's everything just as I have made you mine.

I can't imagine not loving you. I can't imagine a life where you are not mine. But I know I need more, and I know you can't give it to me.

You Have Forgotten Me

This week has been an experiment.

I have stepped away, given you space without me, and the outcome has shown me that I have not been wrong in all my conclusions which I have been drawing up for almost a year.

What you don't know is that I have barely slept, my stomach has been in knots and I can't eat. The pain is almost unbearable. I don't think you'd care though. You'd say it's not your problem. Nothing to do with you.

This week could have brought us closer, or it could have forced an irreparable wedge between us that would ultimately break us apart.

You saw how broken I was the last time I saw you. You saw my pain and the way i could barely stand straight. You saw me at my weakest trying to be strong.

I couldn't tell you that you had slowly chipped away at me until I broke. All the little things that you did to hurt me dug in and stayed.

I couldnt tell you that it is you who broke me down like that. You were leaving me behind. You were going to them. I couldn't put that burden on you at that moment.  But it wasnt a coincidence that i broke on the day you told me.

It wasn't a coincidence that something unrelated to me was the thing that tipped me over. In my complete loneliness the smallest thing would have destroyed me.

You can't see my selflessness. You can't see my love and my generosity. You can't see my complete devotion to you. You can't see my kindness and the way i would sacrifice my happiness for yours. You don't see what I am giving you.

You only choose to look at it negatively. You don't care if it hurts me more.

And now, you could have asked me if I am ok. You could have told me that you miss me and wish you could be with me. You could have kept me emotionally close and proved to me that you really do love me. It wouldn't have been difficult. It would have taken one text. "I miss you. I love you. Wait for me."
You could have gone one step further and called me to check up on me and make sure I was ok. I hoped you would. You always found time to call them when I was with you, shutting the door, keeping me out... calling 'home'. I should have known I would never be home to you. You would leave the country and leave me there. A memory to be forgotten.

All I wanted was to be the one you felt safest with, the person you could be yourself with. The arms you could throw yourself into at the end of a long day or whenever you needed the warmth and support I was here to give you. I wanted to be your home. I hoped for the same from you, and you didn't need any of that.

Instead there has been silence. I am shocked and saddened by this. But it has shown me that I am nothing to you.

All you decided to tell me about  was stains on the wall another woman had left. A place that I was hoping would eventually feel like home to me. A place where we could find happiness. Instead now it is a place for me to avoid.

I am not cruel. I am a kind, loving, giving person. You have taken full advantage of it. You don't care when you make me cry. You don't care when my heart is broken, and it is you who broke it. I am always too thoughtful in my refusal to tell you that you hurt me so much because I don't think you'd care. You'd tell me to get over it. You'd tell me I have no reason to cry. You have broken me. I have loved you anyway. I held myself together and cried when you couldn't see my tears.

You have a family and I am "the other woman" who keeps you company and gives you herself whenever you want it. I'm the woman who worships you and who you ignore. I'm your Dubai girlfriend who you use when you need her. And discard when you don't.

I knew it from the moment you told me "you have no idea how much I don't want to get on that aircraft"  when you were at the airport coming back to dubai.
I was there waiting for you. You had me. I wasn't enough. In the balance between me and them, they'd always win. I understand it. I don't resent it. But I don't think it fair for you to expect me to be ok with it.

What you don't understand is that you can't keep doing this to me.

I know I will never be your priority. Between me and them you'll always choose them. You have no time for me.

You don't need me. You don't miss me. You don't love me.

I can't tear you away from them. Maybe another woman would try to, but not me. I would rather you were kept whole and happy with them, than torn and miserable with me. And it does tear you up. And it hurts me.

It hurts me for you. It hurts me for myself.

You think I don't see it. You think I'm blind. But I see things through instinct and intuition. I feel all the times you shut me out and left me waiting for you on the outside.

I deserve more from love. I deserve more from a relationship. I deserve more from someone I am giving my life to.

You are not able to give me what I need. The physical and emotional support. You don't know how to make me feel safe and loved and wanted. You don't know how to be intimate with me. You have sealed yourself away and no amount of waiting on my part will change it.

My words could flow endlessly. My soul is deep and my heart is broken.

Nothing I write could be complete. There are thousands of little thoughts I could dig up, and write for weeks on end. But what would be the point?

You will either forget or ignore my pain. You will ignore any attempts I make that will try to show you what I can see, the weaknesses in our relationship.
I honestly don't think you care.

So, for once, I have to put myself first. I have to leave you.

I have loved you more than any woman has loved a man. You just don't have the space in you to receive it.

Is This The End?

Can I survive without you?

As hard as it will be, turning away and leaving you behind, I believe now that it is necessary. There is so much wrong and so little right anymore. I do what I can and it goes unnoticed.

All the little things. I don't want to write them here because of the pain they cause. Like little shards of glass embedded in my skin; and with each memory they push deeper.

I need more.

I love you with all my heart but you keep hurting me, and you don't even realise you're doing it. I am not easy. I know that.

My moods change and flicker under unseen pressure and stressors, you say I'm crazy... But all I am is a woman in love. A woman who is trying to stay sane through your silence and your abandonment.

I think of the space you occupy, and how it would look when it's completed. I think of where you will be and whether we would meet again. I think of how easy it would be for another woman to find a safe haven in your arms until the first year is almost up and you turn cold and never look back.
We are coming apart. We are slowly separating. There's almost nothing left.

I have loved you more than any woman has loved a man.

My words go unnoticed, you hardly hear me. You ignore my declarations of love.

And I am hurting.

The End is Coming

And I'm not afraid anymore.

I just want action. I've tried to say what I feel. I've tried explaining my fears. I've tried to bridge the gaps and keep reaching out and trying to bring him closer. Even though it hurts.

I've run out of ideas and I'm emotionally exhausted.

I just want to be happy.

It's getting worse. We barely talk. I tell him my fears. He says I'm complaining.

I try to love him anyway and he throws it back at me.

I tell him what I miss and he twists it until I'm almost crying.

He makes me cry and then tells me I shouldn't, that I have no reason to.

He can't see how much it hurts.

I can't hold us together indefinitely.

"You Are Better Than This"

I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be loved as much as the love I give.
I deserve to be listened to and taken seriously.
I deserve to feel safe.

I need you more than you need me

And that's where most of my issues come from.

We are no longer balanced or equal in our need for each other.

You're fine without me.

The Need to Write

I haven't felt the need to write for quite a while.

I have withdrawn and closed my heart off so that the distance and the cold won't hurt.

I stopped looking for what isn't there, I stopped hoping for more. I took what was given.

I stopped asking for you to show me that you loved me. I simply let you do whatever you wanted.

I stopped showing my feelings and held them inside . .. waiting.

What's the point of being together if I can't say what I feel? I let you hurt me and I say nothing. I close myself off so that I can't feel hurt but it's penetrating through the layers I've built up.

You will never understand me.

You're too busy to miss me...  I look for you in the spaces of my mind and your absence was a suffering.

I make no difference to you ...