Is This The End?

Can I survive without you?

As hard as it will be, turning away and leaving you behind, I believe now that it is necessary. There is so much wrong and so little right anymore. I do what I can and it goes unnoticed.

All the little things. I don't want to write them here because of the pain they cause. Like little shards of glass embedded in my skin; and with each memory they push deeper.

I need more.

I love you with all my heart but you keep hurting me, and you don't even realise you're doing it. I am not easy. I know that.

My moods change and flicker under unseen pressure and stressors, you say I'm crazy... But all I am is a woman in love. A woman who is trying to stay sane through your silence and your abandonment.

I think of the space you occupy, and how it would look when it's completed. I think of where you will be and whether we would meet again. I think of how easy it would be for another woman to find a safe haven in your arms until the first year is almost up and you turn cold and never look back.
We are coming apart. We are slowly separating. There's almost nothing left.

I have loved you more than any woman has loved a man.

My words go unnoticed, you hardly hear me. You ignore my declarations of love.

And I am hurting.

The End is Coming

And I'm not afraid anymore.

I just want action. I've tried to say what I feel. I've tried explaining my fears. I've tried to bridge the gaps and keep reaching out and trying to bring him closer. Even though it hurts.

I've run out of ideas and I'm emotionally exhausted.

I just want to be happy.

It's getting worse. We barely talk. I tell him my fears. He says I'm complaining.

I try to love him anyway and he throws it back at me.

I tell him what I miss and he twists it until I'm almost crying.

He makes me cry and then tells me I shouldn't, that I have no reason to.

He can't see how much it hurts.

I can't hold us together indefinitely.

"You Are Better Than This"

I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be loved as much as the love I give.
I deserve to be listened to and taken seriously.
I deserve to feel safe.

I need you more than you need me

And that's where most of my issues come from.

We are no longer balanced or equal in our need for each other.

You're fine without me.

The Need to Write

I haven't felt the need to write for quite a while.

I have withdrawn and closed my heart off so that the distance and the cold won't hurt.

I stopped looking for what isn't there, I stopped hoping for more. I took what was given.

I stopped asking for you to show me that you loved me. I simply let you do whatever you wanted.

I stopped showing my feelings and held them inside . .. waiting.

What's the point of being together if I can't say what I feel? I let you hurt me and I say nothing. I close myself off so that I can't feel hurt but it's penetrating through the layers I've built up.

You will never understand me.

You're too busy to miss me...  I look for you in the spaces of my mind and your absence was a suffering.

I make no difference to you ...