Balance

There's a large discrepancy between my needs and yours.

I need a boyfriend who spoils me, who holds me and kisses me and who has the ability to make me a priority.

You need space. You need me to be distant in my support. To be strong, and to not hold on too tightly. You need me to be less demanding.

I need to feel special and important and valued.

You need me to be more of a friend and less like a girlfriend. Or a friend who you love and sleep with.

I need to remember that you're not mine. That you will leave me someday, and that what you really want is to be at home... And that home isn't where I am.  I need to keep that in mind always. I need to make sure I don't forget it. Because that is what makes the difference. That's what turns me from a needy girlfriend into a mature woman who can handle being what's needed.

I love you enough to stay with you until you have to leave me.

_______

But now I wonder, will I be able to survive through this?

Being with me seems like less of a priority than I had at first thought. You don't mention it. Not even in response to me.
I have given up on hoping you'll tell me that you look forward to seeing me.

That is our past.

I have given up on you missing me... Right now I doubt that you have feelings for me. They are empty words which you speak.

There is no place for me in your life.

I can't stay with the intention of being supportive when me being with you means nothing.

______

Regardless of your personal issues you can't just ignore me. You chose to be with me, you chose to label me yours, you chose to get into this.

But now I think you don't have time for it. You don't have time for me. You don't have time for a relationship.

You have time to talk about people sending emails and answering messages, but not about spending time with me. You have time to talk about your schedule and what you have to do, but you don't have a second to tell me I'm missed.

Those two small facts tell me that by avoiding the topic of being with me; you don't want to talk about it. Ergo you don't want to be with me.

I'm only human, I'm only a woman, and I can't help but feel hopeless.

The end is coming. I'm getting ready for it. I'm not afraid anymore. It's become more of a thing that has to be done so I can heal and get on with my life.

It will definitely hurt. But this also hurts. I don't know which will be worse.

From now on I'll have to stop saying anything related to how I feel. I will stop sharing non-vital information. I'll comment briefly and keep my opinions to myself. I'll slow down communication and I know he'll follow my lead until there's nothing left.

The end is coming... And the sad part is I feel relief at the thought ... no more second guessing myself. No more driving myself crazy and crying through the nights. No more nights spent worrying and fretting and crying ... no more feeling cold and alone and in pain...

The Ties That Bound Us Break

It no longer feels like there is a "we" or an "us".

We are two separate people, on separate islands, each living a separate life. I can try all I like to stay close but it won't work. There is too much space between us already. I have become hurt to the point where I forgot what it's like to be happy.

I'm clinging to a sinking ship and I need to cut loose and allow it to go with grace. You stopped being mine a long time ago. You stopped loving me.

I can't compete, I can't ask you to tell me that you love me. I did that yesterday and all it did was make me feel more wretched. You didn't realise how it hurt me that I had to ask you for it.

You don't talk to me. You don't tell me that I'm loved anymore. You don't seem to care if I'm happy or sad. You simply switched off and let me drift.

I would have to survive without you. I know you will be perfectly fine without me. I hardly make a difference to you as it is.

I used to feel whole with you. You were my world and I had a place with you. That place closed up and I've been on the outside ever since. Trying to get back in.

There is nothing left between us. I've been reduced to a scared child who is begging for attention. You have become silent and cold. I need heat and warmth and love and intimacy and to feel like I'm wanted. To feel seen. To feel like I'm not a waste of space.

I can't keep doing this to myself.

_____

It's also not fair on you. I don't know what you are fighting or what you are going through. I don't know what gives you nightmares or keeps you up at night. I don't know what preoccupies you or haunts you.

I have tried to be there for you, I have tried to be supportive while I remain firmly in the dark. Now I think I'll never know.

You have your secrets, a life I'm not entitled to know anything about. All I know is that it hurts you. All I know is that it's obvious you think it doesn't concern me. All it shows is that it holds you and I can't help. I am on the outside.

I have tried to be there, to give you all I can, to love you with all my heart, to try and soften the pain and I know it's futile. You don't need me. It's that simple. You don't need my arms around you, you don't need my words or the strength of my devotion. You don't need me to try and absorb your pain into me so it hurts you less.

I can feel it though.

I can feel your pain. I can see it in your eyes. I also feel you pull away from me. I feel the subtle flex of your muscles that tell me to loosen my arms, I feel the way your body tightens against me. I can feel you withdraw physically as well as mentally.

I feel your pain and I can do nothing to help you. I can only sit in silence on the other side of the bed, which may as well be on the other side of the world for all the good I can do. For all the silence I can't breach. For all the things that are unsaid.

You drop hints heavy with pain, but you keep the truth hidden from me. Time after time you tell me of your torment ... And it hurts me. Because I know I can't help. Because the man I love is hurting and I can't see what the cause is. I can't make it stop. I can't take it for you. I can't save you.

I know that my desire to hug you and make it better means nothing to you. My simple ways of showing support are ineffective. They mean nothing because it's not what you need. And I don't know what it is that you need. I don't know what I can do to make you feel better. Probably nothing.

My guess is that you don't need anything from me. Your pain can only be eased from another source.

My mind goes back to December. Did I prevent you from doing something important. Did you need to be somewhere and couldn't because of me? You should have told me...

______

Now I have to let go. To stop thinking about what I need and more about what you need.

I have to be ready to give you up and not hold on so tightly. I have to be ready for when you can no longer bear to be split in half. For when the time comes and you'll have to leave. Leave everything. Leave me.

I have to let go of my selfishness and let you go.

... And Now Silence

I held my words in yesterday. I said almost nothing and nothing was said to me in return.

I was feeling unhappy, depressed, and I knew I wouldn't be able to hide it so I said nothing. I hid. I kept to myself. I knew it would have been unfair to burden you with my emotions.

Instead of seeking me out you also withdrew from me. You left me.

Now I have had to be the one who tries to shake off her silence and fear and feelings of being ignored and uncared for in order to seek you out where you hide and bring you back to me.

You say nothing still. Not a word. And I am left once again feeling stupid for trying. Ashamed for pushing myself to reach out and try to find you when maybe this time you don't want to be found.

I can only guess ... The ifs and maybes and perhapses of the reasons behind your silence.

It hurts me. And I don't think you care.

______

So if you blame me for being silent at least I can say that I was in a bad place yesterday ... I was trying to control myself and in the end I went numb and quiet. You won't understand it though.

To make it clearer... I was sad and depressed. I didn't want to say anything because it wouldn't be fair. I couldn't pretend to be ok. I kept quiet and hoped to be better ... And hoped you would contact me. Hoped that a small part of you missed me.

I know you don't... I know you stopped being in love with me a long time ago. I still cling to the hope that maybe you will have more time after the move. And maybe then we will be able to make it work.

I feel like I'm in this alone, trying to hold our whole relationship together. It is exhausting. I don't feel like I'm half of our whole. You already have everything outside of what I can give you. I'll never be a priority. I'll never be important enough for you. You won't want to go places with me. I've already asked and received my answer.

I don't want to take you away from what's important in your life... but I'm wondering if there is a space for me. It's not fun. It's heavy and I am always that person tagging along. There was a hard truth in what you said, along the lines of you met me two years ago and haven't been able to get rid of me since... thing is... It's very easy to get rid of me.

I'm always ready to leave.

This time I'm not afraid of you breaking up with me because I might have to do it.

_____

Just the fact that I feel I don't have a right to talk to you whenever i need to is a red flag. We should be open for each other whenever possible. I am here for you to talk to.

I keep having to remind myself that I'm your girlfriend. I'm not just a random girl who sleeps with you when you want to. I'm not an ornament that sits on the edge of your bed while you text and get angry.

I have once again become the girl who is ignored...

_________

I miss you and I don't think you miss me at all.

I don't want it to end, but maybe it already has?

________

The more time that goes by,  the more unsteady I get.

I'm afraid of what's coming.

I will always be an outsider. A person who knows nothing and understands nothing.

I only know what I've guessed. And my guesses aren't confirmed.

You will always have a family. That is where your heart is. That's where you want to be.

I'm not home to you; you don't feel the need to be where I am. I'm simply a by product of work.

To me, I want to be where you are. Coming back to Dubai from leave is only bearable because you're there.

I don't feel at all special to you in any way.

You physically shut me out. Closing doors between us. Hiding from me. I always put you first... I know you will never put me first. I know that I can't ask you to. I know that I deserve it though.

I love you. But it is hurting me.

Closer to the Edge

I'm only waiting for things to settle before we sit and talk. I'm not cruel enough to do it now in the middle of everything that is going on.

I know it will blindside you and I need my arguments to be strong. I need to know what I am thinking and to be clear on all my points. I need to be anchored and aware of all the core issues. Not the fluff or the little things that hover around me. I need the main reasons that are making me unhappy. I have told him about it before and nothing has changed.

When I tell you I miss you or need you ... when I show a weakness or a vulnerability it's not a trap. It's me showing something that makes me more open... And I always feel like you want me strong. And that my weaknesses are ugly.
I speak to you in whispers of the depth if my emotions and you brush them away like they mean notbing. What you don't realise is that it's my way of giving you all of me.

I don't feel safe.  I am insecure and I need to know that you want me there with you.

I feel uncomfortable. Like a stranger who is trying to find a space, but there isn't one.

I want to be with you. I miss you and need you, but once I'm there I feel like I shouldn't be. I can give you nothing that you want or need. I take up space and feel like an object that is getting in your way.

You don't notice my discomfort. You don't notice how I try to smile and take up as small a space as possible. You don't notice how I try my best to be useful. But all that ends up doing is drawing your anger to me. And when I say nothing ... that also attracts your judgement and 'jokes'.

I have become a shadow of myself. It's been so long since I have felt attractive or noticed ... I really don't think you need me in any way. I try to be happy but I am finding it harder and harder.

I don't know what to do.

I don't want to leave you. I'm getting to the point where I'm afraid I'll have to.

The only time I feel a small shred of hope is when we are in bed and you come close and hold me and I snuggle closer. That's the only time I feel like maybe, just maybe we'll be ok. And I kiss you softly with all my passion burning behind them... little signs of my immense love for you... And I think that's what made me upset the other night... when something I give that is my way of keeping you close became something to ridicule and mock. I miss the intimacy and that's the last remaining thing I have that makes me feel a little bit better. You took that away from me the other night. You changed it into something shallow and meaningless. It made me angry. And you ignored it.

I'm not easy. I know that. I'm difficult. I'm weak. I'm afraid. I need constant reassuring that I have a place with you. That you want me with you. That you're happy when I'm with you.

I don't want to be a burden.

When I withdraw and shut down as a result of my insecurity, pain, or fear I need you to take a step closer. I need to feel supported and not alone. When I'm at my lowest it's when I need you most. I have to give 110% in order for you to give me less than 50 in return. When I withdraw I get less than 5.

I need more. I need you to be there for me. I need you to show a bit of affection. A bit of love. A shred of intimacy.

When I withdraw it's because I feel like I'm giving too much. Too much attention, too much information. Too much emotion. Too much of me which leaves me cold when I receive nothing in return. So I withdraw. I hold myself together through my weakness. I do what I need you to do because you won't help me.

I just need to feel missed. Wanted. Needed. Attractive.

You withdraw further. You leave me alone when I need you most. You don't understand me.

Running Out Of Patience

It's the little things.

It's what I'm saved under on your phone. It's the lack of sincerity when you talk to me. It's the way you dismiss my feelings.

It's the way you don't notice if I'm upset or on the brink of tears.

It's the way you don't care when I'm hurt.

It's the way you don't feel the need to hold me or kiss me or touch me.

It's the way you don't look at me, or notice me.

It's the way I feel the need to escape you sometimes as though being around you is poisoning me.

It's how I do everything in my power to spend a few extra minutes with you, and how you forget to talk to me. (Like that time at HQ when I left home early on the off chance you were there. You forgot to tell me that you were... and then instead of apologising you made me feel as though it meant nothing)

It's how when I told you I love you, your reply was 'whatever!'
In normal circumstances I might have laughed but it was the tone and expression that went with it. The impatience behind the cutting word. Joke about anything, make light of anything, but my feelings are off limits. They are not to be joked about or taken lightly. In that moment I saw something that scared me.

A few moments after that something else happened that I'm still trying to piece together. I went from hurt to angry in the space of a few minutes. I remember saying "I'm angry" though the full reason why eludes me. Your reply was 'Enjoy!' Before turning your back on me.

I have felt like this before. Ignored. Invisible. I know I'm not easy but can't you at least try to hold me through my storms? Can't you try to be who I need you to be? Can't you at least try to make me feel that I'm not alone?
You claim to love me. You say the words. You tell me I'm yours. I feel like an outsider though. I feel abandoned and broken. I feel like I'm expected to walk alone when I want you to walk beside me.

I don't feel welcome. I don't feel that you want me there. You make no effort to keep me. I'm the barnacle stuck on the hull of your ship and I can't come unstuck. And you seem as tolerant of my existence as the ship tolerates the barnacle.

You stopped being excited and I know it's inevitable with time. You get complacent. It's all the same. But I am different. I still look at you with wonder. I still want you... you just want me less and less. And I don't feel that same heat and passion. You don't want me the way you used to.

I'm waiting until the stress is over, if things don't improve... I'll have to leave, and as much as the thought terrifies me, I know it will be better than feeling alone and unappreciated all the time.

I can't be made to feel so worthless and taken for granted all the time.

There is no warmth or intimacy. There is little affection or evidence that what I do means anything. What I give gets thrown out as of it meant nothing. What I take time to think over and plan is disregarded. What I hope for is stupid and what I need I am afraid to ask for.

You don't understand me. You don't see when I withdraw. You don't try to be there for me. It feels like sometimes you hate me and take pleasure at my discomfort. It feels like you're deliberately punishing me for the mistakes I've made even though I know that I am really not a bad person ...

So here we are. I know you have no idea how hopeless I feel sometimes.
I wonder what you'd think if you knew how many times I've thought about simply giving up and letting you leave... how many times I have thought of leaving. How many times I've played out our break up in my head and the hopelessness I feel. I can see it coming...

I feel small, vulnerable and uncomfortable. I don't feel like I have what it takes to keep you. I know your eyes seek others... you don't look for me. I know I can't expect to be the only one you want. I just wish I was.

I want to stay, I want us to be happy ... But I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. The last time I felt that you loved me... not just the words... that you really care about me. I can't remember the last time we had a perfect day where you made me feel that I belonged with you  that I have a place with you.

Mostly I feel like I don't add anything to you. I'm just there. An object of little worth.

I don't know why you keep me. I don't feel like I'm special to you in any way. I seem to be a person who goes out of her way to be there... while fearing that she shouldn't be there.

Fading

Intensity no longer burns me like it did. I don't feel the need to be where he is anymore. I can be happy alone. Sometimes happier than I am when tagging along.

It's not funny to be treated like I'm nothing special. I know I've hurt and disappointed you. It's all in the past. I am who I am. My character is complex and difficult. Even I don't fully understand myself.

I no longer feel the need for you to hold me as tightly as you can., to wrap your arms around me until I feel my ribs bend under your strength as I drink you in.

I no longer crave your kisses and melt under your touch.

I'm getting stronger and harder. I'm getting less dependent and needy. I'm getting more independent. Respecting myself more.

Joke about not being able to get rid of me. Joke about forgetting my name or not knowing who I am. I know it's not real but it feels disrespectful to me. I wouldn't know how to react I'd someone said that about their partner. It's awkward.

Joke about it and I'll make it difficult for you to be with me. I will start doing what I need to do. I will start being more selfish.

I love you, but you're making it hard for me to keep saying it and feeling it and wanting to stay with you.

You make it hard to want to be where you are.

I Am Lost

I can feel myself coming apart at the seams. My heart is shuddering within me and I can hardly breathe.

I can paint my feelings into words and try to string them together as proof and examples of how I feel, I can't help myself and then I wait on tenter hooks waiting for you to acknowledge them. Any sign that you see me. That you feel who I am.

And as always I come away with my heart stripped down to its raw aching core, my words broken on my lips and strewn around me like pebbles on a beach. I try to pick them up and love them because I know you won't.

I should have learnt my lesson by now. Time after time I have opened up my heart and showed you how painful it is to love you... showed you the depth and terrifying way it swallows me. Showed you that I need you... And each time I come back feeling more alone than before ... but I can't stop because this is who I am. I'm a writer. I'm a poet. I'm a beating, breaking heart that cycles blood with longing. I'm lungs that shudder under oxygen and drown in my forlorn loneliness.

I love you as deep as my bones go and as wide as my world is, and you don't seem to understand it. My words are incomprehensible. My world is invisible. You stand within it's center and yet somehow I can't find a way to show it. I can't find the right words. The right likenesses and similes. I don't know how to show you the world that revolves around you as it's center.

You are everything to me.