It's the little things.
It's what I'm saved under on your phone. It's the lack of sincerity when you talk to me. It's the way you dismiss my feelings.
It's the way you don't notice if I'm upset or on the brink of tears.
It's the way you don't care when I'm hurt.
It's the way you don't feel the need to hold me or kiss me or touch me.
It's the way you don't look at me, or notice me.
It's the way I feel the need to escape you sometimes as though being around you is poisoning me.
It's how I do everything in my power to spend a few extra minutes with you, and how you forget to talk to me. (Like that time at HQ when I left home early on the off chance you were there. You forgot to tell me that you were... and then instead of apologising you made me feel as though it meant nothing)
It's how when I told you I love you, your reply was 'whatever!'
In normal circumstances I might have laughed but it was the tone and expression that went with it. The impatience behind the cutting word. Joke about anything, make light of anything, but my feelings are off limits. They are not to be joked about or taken lightly. In that moment I saw something that scared me.
A few moments after that something else happened that I'm still trying to piece together. I went from hurt to angry in the space of a few minutes. I remember saying "I'm angry" though the full reason why eludes me. Your reply was 'Enjoy!' Before turning your back on me.
I have felt like this before. Ignored. Invisible. I know I'm not easy but can't you at least try to hold me through my storms? Can't you try to be who I need you to be? Can't you at least try to make me feel that I'm not alone?
You claim to love me. You say the words. You tell me I'm yours. I feel like an outsider though. I feel abandoned and broken. I feel like I'm expected to walk alone when I want you to walk beside me.
I don't feel welcome. I don't feel that you want me there. You make no effort to keep me. I'm the barnacle stuck on the hull of your ship and I can't come unstuck. And you seem as tolerant of my existence as the ship tolerates the barnacle.
You stopped being excited and I know it's inevitable with time. You get complacent. It's all the same. But I am different. I still look at you with wonder. I still want you... you just want me less and less. And I don't feel that same heat and passion. You don't want me the way you used to.
I'm waiting until the stress is over, if things don't improve... I'll have to leave, and as much as the thought terrifies me, I know it will be better than feeling alone and unappreciated all the time.
I can't be made to feel so worthless and taken for granted all the time.
There is no warmth or intimacy. There is little affection or evidence that what I do means anything. What I give gets thrown out as of it meant nothing. What I take time to think over and plan is disregarded. What I hope for is stupid and what I need I am afraid to ask for.
You don't understand me. You don't see when I withdraw. You don't try to be there for me. It feels like sometimes you hate me and take pleasure at my discomfort. It feels like you're deliberately punishing me for the mistakes I've made even though I know that I am really not a bad person ...
So here we are. I know you have no idea how hopeless I feel sometimes.
I wonder what you'd think if you knew how many times I've thought about simply giving up and letting you leave... how many times I have thought of leaving. How many times I've played out our break up in my head and the hopelessness I feel. I can see it coming...
I feel small, vulnerable and uncomfortable. I don't feel like I have what it takes to keep you. I know your eyes seek others... you don't look for me. I know I can't expect to be the only one you want. I just wish I was.
I want to stay, I want us to be happy ... But I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. The last time I felt that you loved me... not just the words... that you really care about me. I can't remember the last time we had a perfect day where you made me feel that I belonged with you that I have a place with you.
Mostly I feel like I don't add anything to you. I'm just there. An object of little worth.
I don't know why you keep me. I don't feel like I'm special to you in any way. I seem to be a person who goes out of her way to be there... while fearing that she shouldn't be there.
It's what I'm saved under on your phone. It's the lack of sincerity when you talk to me. It's the way you dismiss my feelings.
It's the way you don't notice if I'm upset or on the brink of tears.
It's the way you don't care when I'm hurt.
It's the way you don't feel the need to hold me or kiss me or touch me.
It's the way you don't look at me, or notice me.
It's the way I feel the need to escape you sometimes as though being around you is poisoning me.
It's how I do everything in my power to spend a few extra minutes with you, and how you forget to talk to me. (Like that time at HQ when I left home early on the off chance you were there. You forgot to tell me that you were... and then instead of apologising you made me feel as though it meant nothing)
It's how when I told you I love you, your reply was 'whatever!'
In normal circumstances I might have laughed but it was the tone and expression that went with it. The impatience behind the cutting word. Joke about anything, make light of anything, but my feelings are off limits. They are not to be joked about or taken lightly. In that moment I saw something that scared me.
A few moments after that something else happened that I'm still trying to piece together. I went from hurt to angry in the space of a few minutes. I remember saying "I'm angry" though the full reason why eludes me. Your reply was 'Enjoy!' Before turning your back on me.
I have felt like this before. Ignored. Invisible. I know I'm not easy but can't you at least try to hold me through my storms? Can't you try to be who I need you to be? Can't you at least try to make me feel that I'm not alone?
You claim to love me. You say the words. You tell me I'm yours. I feel like an outsider though. I feel abandoned and broken. I feel like I'm expected to walk alone when I want you to walk beside me.
I don't feel welcome. I don't feel that you want me there. You make no effort to keep me. I'm the barnacle stuck on the hull of your ship and I can't come unstuck. And you seem as tolerant of my existence as the ship tolerates the barnacle.
You stopped being excited and I know it's inevitable with time. You get complacent. It's all the same. But I am different. I still look at you with wonder. I still want you... you just want me less and less. And I don't feel that same heat and passion. You don't want me the way you used to.
I'm waiting until the stress is over, if things don't improve... I'll have to leave, and as much as the thought terrifies me, I know it will be better than feeling alone and unappreciated all the time.
I can't be made to feel so worthless and taken for granted all the time.
There is no warmth or intimacy. There is little affection or evidence that what I do means anything. What I give gets thrown out as of it meant nothing. What I take time to think over and plan is disregarded. What I hope for is stupid and what I need I am afraid to ask for.
You don't understand me. You don't see when I withdraw. You don't try to be there for me. It feels like sometimes you hate me and take pleasure at my discomfort. It feels like you're deliberately punishing me for the mistakes I've made even though I know that I am really not a bad person ...
So here we are. I know you have no idea how hopeless I feel sometimes.
I wonder what you'd think if you knew how many times I've thought about simply giving up and letting you leave... how many times I have thought of leaving. How many times I've played out our break up in my head and the hopelessness I feel. I can see it coming...
I feel small, vulnerable and uncomfortable. I don't feel like I have what it takes to keep you. I know your eyes seek others... you don't look for me. I know I can't expect to be the only one you want. I just wish I was.
I want to stay, I want us to be happy ... But I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. The last time I felt that you loved me... not just the words... that you really care about me. I can't remember the last time we had a perfect day where you made me feel that I belonged with you that I have a place with you.
Mostly I feel like I don't add anything to you. I'm just there. An object of little worth.
I don't know why you keep me. I don't feel like I'm special to you in any way. I seem to be a person who goes out of her way to be there... while fearing that she shouldn't be there.
No comments:
Post a Comment