Balance

There's a large discrepancy between my needs and yours.

I need a boyfriend who spoils me, who holds me and kisses me and who has the ability to make me a priority.

You need space. You need me to be distant in my support. To be strong, and to not hold on too tightly. You need me to be less demanding.

I need to feel special and important and valued.

You need me to be more of a friend and less like a girlfriend. Or a friend who you love and sleep with.

I need to remember that you're not mine. That you will leave me someday, and that what you really want is to be at home... And that home isn't where I am.  I need to keep that in mind always. I need to make sure I don't forget it. Because that is what makes the difference. That's what turns me from a needy girlfriend into a mature woman who can handle being what's needed.

I love you enough to stay with you until you have to leave me.

_______

But now I wonder, will I be able to survive through this?

Being with me seems like less of a priority than I had at first thought. You don't mention it. Not even in response to me.
I have given up on hoping you'll tell me that you look forward to seeing me.

That is our past.

I have given up on you missing me... Right now I doubt that you have feelings for me. They are empty words which you speak.

There is no place for me in your life.

I can't stay with the intention of being supportive when me being with you means nothing.

______

Regardless of your personal issues you can't just ignore me. You chose to be with me, you chose to label me yours, you chose to get into this.

But now I think you don't have time for it. You don't have time for me. You don't have time for a relationship.

You have time to talk about people sending emails and answering messages, but not about spending time with me. You have time to talk about your schedule and what you have to do, but you don't have a second to tell me I'm missed.

Those two small facts tell me that by avoiding the topic of being with me; you don't want to talk about it. Ergo you don't want to be with me.

I'm only human, I'm only a woman, and I can't help but feel hopeless.

The end is coming. I'm getting ready for it. I'm not afraid anymore. It's become more of a thing that has to be done so I can heal and get on with my life.

It will definitely hurt. But this also hurts. I don't know which will be worse.

From now on I'll have to stop saying anything related to how I feel. I will stop sharing non-vital information. I'll comment briefly and keep my opinions to myself. I'll slow down communication and I know he'll follow my lead until there's nothing left.

The end is coming... And the sad part is I feel relief at the thought ... no more second guessing myself. No more driving myself crazy and crying through the nights. No more nights spent worrying and fretting and crying ... no more feeling cold and alone and in pain...