It no longer feels like there is a "we" or an "us".
We are two separate people, on separate islands, each living a separate life. I can try all I like to stay close but it won't work. There is too much space between us already. I have become hurt to the point where I forgot what it's like to be happy.
I'm clinging to a sinking ship and I need to cut loose and allow it to go with grace. You stopped being mine a long time ago. You stopped loving me.
I can't compete, I can't ask you to tell me that you love me. I did that yesterday and all it did was make me feel more wretched. You didn't realise how it hurt me that I had to ask you for it.
You don't talk to me. You don't tell me that I'm loved anymore. You don't seem to care if I'm happy or sad. You simply switched off and let me drift.
I would have to survive without you. I know you will be perfectly fine without me. I hardly make a difference to you as it is.
I used to feel whole with you. You were my world and I had a place with you. That place closed up and I've been on the outside ever since. Trying to get back in.
There is nothing left between us. I've been reduced to a scared child who is begging for attention. You have become silent and cold. I need heat and warmth and love and intimacy and to feel like I'm wanted. To feel seen. To feel like I'm not a waste of space.
I can't keep doing this to myself.
_____
It's also not fair on you. I don't know what you are fighting or what you are going through. I don't know what gives you nightmares or keeps you up at night. I don't know what preoccupies you or haunts you.
I have tried to be there for you, I have tried to be supportive while I remain firmly in the dark. Now I think I'll never know.
You have your secrets, a life I'm not entitled to know anything about. All I know is that it hurts you. All I know is that it's obvious you think it doesn't concern me. All it shows is that it holds you and I can't help. I am on the outside.
I have tried to be there, to give you all I can, to love you with all my heart, to try and soften the pain and I know it's futile. You don't need me. It's that simple. You don't need my arms around you, you don't need my words or the strength of my devotion. You don't need me to try and absorb your pain into me so it hurts you less.
I can feel it though.
I can feel your pain. I can see it in your eyes. I also feel you pull away from me. I feel the subtle flex of your muscles that tell me to loosen my arms, I feel the way your body tightens against me. I can feel you withdraw physically as well as mentally.
I feel your pain and I can do nothing to help you. I can only sit in silence on the other side of the bed, which may as well be on the other side of the world for all the good I can do. For all the silence I can't breach. For all the things that are unsaid.
You drop hints heavy with pain, but you keep the truth hidden from me. Time after time you tell me of your torment ... And it hurts me. Because I know I can't help. Because the man I love is hurting and I can't see what the cause is. I can't make it stop. I can't take it for you. I can't save you.
I know that my desire to hug you and make it better means nothing to you. My simple ways of showing support are ineffective. They mean nothing because it's not what you need. And I don't know what it is that you need. I don't know what I can do to make you feel better. Probably nothing.
My guess is that you don't need anything from me. Your pain can only be eased from another source.
My mind goes back to December. Did I prevent you from doing something important. Did you need to be somewhere and couldn't because of me? You should have told me...
______
Now I have to let go. To stop thinking about what I need and more about what you need.
I have to be ready to give you up and not hold on so tightly. I have to be ready for when you can no longer bear to be split in half. For when the time comes and you'll have to leave. Leave everything. Leave me.
I have to let go of my selfishness and let you go.
We are two separate people, on separate islands, each living a separate life. I can try all I like to stay close but it won't work. There is too much space between us already. I have become hurt to the point where I forgot what it's like to be happy.
I'm clinging to a sinking ship and I need to cut loose and allow it to go with grace. You stopped being mine a long time ago. You stopped loving me.
I can't compete, I can't ask you to tell me that you love me. I did that yesterday and all it did was make me feel more wretched. You didn't realise how it hurt me that I had to ask you for it.
You don't talk to me. You don't tell me that I'm loved anymore. You don't seem to care if I'm happy or sad. You simply switched off and let me drift.
I would have to survive without you. I know you will be perfectly fine without me. I hardly make a difference to you as it is.
I used to feel whole with you. You were my world and I had a place with you. That place closed up and I've been on the outside ever since. Trying to get back in.
There is nothing left between us. I've been reduced to a scared child who is begging for attention. You have become silent and cold. I need heat and warmth and love and intimacy and to feel like I'm wanted. To feel seen. To feel like I'm not a waste of space.
I can't keep doing this to myself.
_____
It's also not fair on you. I don't know what you are fighting or what you are going through. I don't know what gives you nightmares or keeps you up at night. I don't know what preoccupies you or haunts you.
I have tried to be there for you, I have tried to be supportive while I remain firmly in the dark. Now I think I'll never know.
You have your secrets, a life I'm not entitled to know anything about. All I know is that it hurts you. All I know is that it's obvious you think it doesn't concern me. All it shows is that it holds you and I can't help. I am on the outside.
I have tried to be there, to give you all I can, to love you with all my heart, to try and soften the pain and I know it's futile. You don't need me. It's that simple. You don't need my arms around you, you don't need my words or the strength of my devotion. You don't need me to try and absorb your pain into me so it hurts you less.
I can feel it though.
I can feel your pain. I can see it in your eyes. I also feel you pull away from me. I feel the subtle flex of your muscles that tell me to loosen my arms, I feel the way your body tightens against me. I can feel you withdraw physically as well as mentally.
I feel your pain and I can do nothing to help you. I can only sit in silence on the other side of the bed, which may as well be on the other side of the world for all the good I can do. For all the silence I can't breach. For all the things that are unsaid.
You drop hints heavy with pain, but you keep the truth hidden from me. Time after time you tell me of your torment ... And it hurts me. Because I know I can't help. Because the man I love is hurting and I can't see what the cause is. I can't make it stop. I can't take it for you. I can't save you.
I know that my desire to hug you and make it better means nothing to you. My simple ways of showing support are ineffective. They mean nothing because it's not what you need. And I don't know what it is that you need. I don't know what I can do to make you feel better. Probably nothing.
My guess is that you don't need anything from me. Your pain can only be eased from another source.
My mind goes back to December. Did I prevent you from doing something important. Did you need to be somewhere and couldn't because of me? You should have told me...
______
Now I have to let go. To stop thinking about what I need and more about what you need.
I have to be ready to give you up and not hold on so tightly. I have to be ready for when you can no longer bear to be split in half. For when the time comes and you'll have to leave. Leave everything. Leave me.
I have to let go of my selfishness and let you go.
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