Love Was Not Enough.

I once truly believed you were my destiny. I was so sure I'd found the missing pieces of my soul in yours, and that I was finally safe.

I once thought you were the only one for me. That life didn't exist beyond whatever we could create between us.

I let myself fall in love with you. A deep, unlimited, engulfing feeling that transcended everything. I let you become my life.

You were my perfect match, and I loved you with all my heart and soul. Unconditionally. You were perfect in my eyes. 

The hardest part is that to an extent I still feel that way. Under all the pain, all the unhealed scars that are still bleeding, I still defend you to myself. I still love you. I still miss you. I still fall asleep imagining you next to me, your arms around me. I still wake up missing you. 

I am not naive enough to believe that you feel the same way about me. 

You are still my every thought, but now those thoughts are coupled with the knowledge that we are heading for a separation. I can't see a way to save us. 

There is no path ahead of us, we've reached the end. 

The Inevitable End

04/09/2018

Time has passed and brought us here. This is where it ends.

We are too different and we have grown apart. We are not in love anymore.

We have stayed together because it's easy. It's convenient. But there is nothing left that bonds us together as a couple. We are not on the same wavelength anymore.

I have tried to open up. I've tried to show you how I feel and what I miss. I've tried to show you what has changed and what I wish we could have.

It all fell on deaf ears, and worse you hit back at me with empty words and empty accusations. It was my fault.

I can't keep taking the blame for everything. I can't keep being the person who is in the wrong. It feels wrong, so I speak up about it.

I've tried so hard to be easy. To follow you. I've tried to find a way to make it work. I've compromised on everything.

I can't keep doing this. I don't feel safe. I don't feel loved. I don't feel wanted or attractive. I don't feel like a girlfriend. I have been reduced to something small and ugly. It's not who I am.

600 Days and Counting

24/08/2018

I just realised that I have been feeling this disconnect between us for at least a year and eight months.

That's more than half the time we have been together.

I don't know why I haven't spoken up about this before. It has to be said now. I can't waste any more time on something that's effectively been dead for so long.

It's getting worse and worse with every passing month.

Now I've become indifferent to you. I've stopped caring and it's not my fault. You have driven me to this. You've hurt me over and over and over till I can't feel anything anymore. You've gone cold and abandoned me and in doing so you've driven me away.

It'll be so easy to pin this on me. It'll be so easy to blame me and say it is all my fault. I'm expecting it. It will hurt because the injustice of it all is enough to kill me, so I'd have to be prepared.

My Silence

21/08/2018

I have nothing left to say.

I listen to your words, your messages, and parts of them make me smile, other parts let slip what you think and your attitude towards me. Those are the parts that have made me keep my silence.

I have nothing to say.

My world is silent for once. I'm lost inside my self. I need time and space to process my thoughts.

I'm just a bit lost. Every time something small breaks I have to adapt to the new status. You break things without realising. I don't say anything. I try to adapt alone.

Whenever I have tried to regain something that got lost, it's a fight I always lose. And now I can't remember what I had. I remember the shadows and their weight because now in their absence our entire relationship has little substance.

We were in love. Deep in each other. Your passion matched mine. Your desire was as hot as mine.

Each time I lose a part of us a part of me dies.

This time it was the sacred bond between us. Acknowledgement. Love. The simplest of all things: time.

Saying good night was too much.

In your own words: I was already asleep so what was the point? There was no urgency to say anything to me. There was no reason to send a message.

What you don't see is that it means you've become complacent when it comes to me. I can wait. I can be put on the back burner. I can be delt with later. You feel no rush to catch me before my eyes close. To be the last person I hear from.

You don't think your messages matter. You don't realise your importance in my life. You don't realise the meaning that is attached to everything you do. The weight of your words is enormous because of the weight of your importance in my life.

The meaning is huge because you are everything to me.

When you take that for granted, I realise that perhaps I am worth less to you than I hoped. 

My words and actions mean little.





Love is simple, easy and doesn't ask questions. It simply exists.

It's the things that come with love that are complex.

The Crux

21/08/2018

"The devil is in the details."

Isn't that what they say? Even now I don't quite know what that means, but what I do know is that it's the little things that count. The tiny things that have changed, and in their changing they have altered everything. Our entire picture has been altered with these seemingly tiny changes.

I've mentioned them all before. I've cried and begged and begged. I've tried to explain why I need what I need. I've begged you to tell me you love me. I cried and asked you to tell me you miss me. I laid my pride under your feet and let you crush it. I haven't done that in a while. I learnt that asking will make you give it to me once, begrudgingly and you will mock me for it later. I learnt that explaining myself and why I need to hear those words means nothing to you.
I learnt that hoping if I say them first you will echo me is a fool's hope. Nothing will come of it.

I've learnt that now, even hoping for a simple "goodnight" is too much to ask for. The reason why this is such a big deal is that it's not about the words or the circumstance, it's about meaning.

You telling me goodnight is meaningful. You heard me, you are closing our conversation. You are letting me go with grace. With a kiss. With love. It is meaningful because you're mine. Because I'm yours.

You ignoring me is in essence telling me I'm not worthy.

We used to be in love. We used to really be crazy about each other. I was happy. Time spent with you was magical regardless what we did or where we went.

You used to tell me I was a turn on, that I was sexy, desirable, wanted... you made me feel beautiful and that made me more open, more courageous. I felt safe enough to tell you some of my deepest desires and turnons.

I don't feel safe anymore.

I don't feel anything. I take it a day at a time. I've given up on so much. I've let my vibrant world turn to grey. I've become a boring version of myself.

I used to be more than this.

Life is so much more than this. I want to feel loved, I want to be in love, crazy mad wonderful exhilllerating passionate beautiful strong and wild. I want to be a part of you, part of a whole. I want to have something that doesn't make me scared or afraid of saying the wrong thing. I want to have something that makes me happy and excited. I want to be in love, and I want someone to be in love with me.

And I've known this for months and I did nothing about it. I sat on it and stayed quiet hoping that you'd realise who I am. I'm the woman who would give you anything and everything. Nothing would be too much trouble or too much effort.

I loved you with all my heart and soul. It was too much.
I've had to dilute it until I don't recognise it as love anynore. We've settled into routine. We've given up on passion.

Meaning is everything. Depth and layers and colour. You don't see me anymore. But I still see you. I still love you. In moments where it comes back strong enough to take my breath away ... but you are still cold and so I hold it all inside me.

There's more to life than this... there's more to love than this.

I deserve more.

Points of Conversation

03/07/2018

1. Why is it so hard for you to say you miss me in messages, even after I've said it? It hurts when I'm opening up and sharing what I feel, only to be ignored completely.

2. At least have the decency to acknowledge what I'm saying... sometimes you'll act like I said nothing. It makes me feel worthless and invisible, especially if I've said something that is a vulnerability on my part, or something I'm usually shy to admit to. It really crushes me when I open myself up and you can't see it. Like if I say I want you to take me to bed, or if I open up about my sexual needs. Or if I mention anything regarding that. If it goes ignored I feel ashamed for mentioning it.
(I feel like I'm being pushy. All I want is to be with you.)

3. I am afraid it will take you another 5 years before you realise I'm not right for you. You tell me it's exhausting being with me, but it's also draining me. I am exhausted. Taking hit after hit, and you wonder why I am always so nervous and jumpy. It's because I can't handle being hurt anymore. I can't handle having my pride crushed out of me. Your rejection hurts. And it is rejection of my affection and my emotions.

4. I know I'm not a priority. It hurts. I can't take it any more. I love you more than you love me. There is no balance between us. We have grown apart so much that I can't feel anything left. I love you, but it's hurting me too much. I can't feel you. You're so wrapped up in your world that you don't see me or hear me anymore.

5. You don't seem to be able to give me what I need. We are apart most of the time, I need to feel safe. You starve me of emotion, even the most basic and simple of emotions. I need affection. And it's not hard, it doesn't take a second to kiss or whisper I love you. Or to say that you're happy when I'm with you.  I need that kind of validation. If it's too much to ask for then what are we doing here?

6. When I'm alone, all I can think of is the feel of your arms around me and the way it feels when you kiss me, properly ... not a small peck on the lips but a real kiss. Its all I want. But when we are together it's cold. All I want is to lose myself in you and feed off your warmth and feel human again. I need you... And you can't give me what I need. You don't need what I need. You don't need me.

7. I can't take much more. I'm all cut up and bleeding, and it means nothing to you. My pain means nothing. And it's pain that's making me act up. I can see myself doing it.
I rant when I am hurting and I want to throw myself into your arms and I want to show you what you're doing to me. But you can't see it.

8. I don't think we are compatible any more. Based on all this, I'm too passionate, I'm needy and affectionate and I need to feel safe. I don't feel safe with you. I'm expecting something new to hurt me at any given moment.
I will continue to spin out of control, and with each new lapse you'll love me less while I hold on to you tighter as I try to find my balance.
This is the exact problem that will see us split. It'll make you leave me while I've dug myself into a hole I can't escape.

Love is madness in my world. It drives me to insanity. And if it's not matched it'll drive me mad with frustration.

9. Being together makes no logical sense.
I am here because I can't leave. I love you too much. I'm afraid it's premature. I should wait to be sure that it's nothing to get better. Our golden days were I the past.
I don't want to look back and think ibdidnt do all I could.
I can't make you happy. You can't give me what I need.

It should end.

I'm Tired of Writing About This

01/06/2018

I have gone cold.

Love still burns inside me but he is undeserving of it.

I have made mistakes, it's true.

But whatever I give to him leaves no mark. It's unappreciated. It's like dust.

So what is the point of trying?

_____

5/6

It just occurred to me that I've wasted so much time doing things that meant nothing. In trying to be supportive, it was not seen, not just taken for granted but it didn't even register.

Nothing I do means anything.

I'm stuck in a place where I can find no light or happiness. No fulfilment... I'm starving for a kind word, a sign of love. A hint of appreciation.

I love him with all my heart and he doesn't care.

_____

13/6

I've changed.

I remember a time when I would cry and my soul would feel crushed inside me at the lack of intimacy. I'd beg him to say the words I needed to hear. Now I have stopped saying them except in moments of weakness.

But what kind of a life is this? What kind of a relationship demands silence on the one thing that binds two people together? That effectively makes me hold my feelings inside until I burst.

I've stopped caring. I've stopped trying. Back when I would open up and say what I felt. When I would try to show what was wrong and what I needed I'd be belittled. Instead of being comforted and shown affection I was shown contempt.

It's not like me to be cold.

I can't fight any more.

There is nothing to fight for.

_____

15/06/2018

Stubbornness has always had a home in me. This time is one of them.

I refuse to speak. I said words yesterday and they were misunderstood and twisted and ignored. I opened my heart and it got stabbed.

I have tried hard. I have given it my all. I have opened up even when I didn't want to, even when it made me uncomfortable, because i wanted to make it work.

He got defensive and blamed it all on me. I am the one imagining things. It's all in my head. I'm the problem.

All I wanted was to be loved.

I pushed him a little and instead of comfort and gentleness I got coldness and indifference. I got pushed away as if none of what I said affected him. It's just me.

I can do nothing more.

I need more.

Maybe I'm Asking You to Let Me Go

21/05/2018

I am hurting and I don't know how to process it.

I want you to leave me and I want you to be there for me. I want you to care.

I know what will happen. You are more distant than usual, I try to fill up the spaces, I fail to. I get hurt. I explode. You wonder what happened.

You have me. A young, intelligent, beautiful, kind, compassionate, and selfless woman who loves you insanely, and you neither see it nor appreciate it.

Maybe I need you to just stop. Stop talking to me about stuff that could make no difference to me. Politics and economics... I'm smart but sometimes I just want to be normal... to relax and talk about nothing, to lose myself in you and just live in the moment. Maybe I need you to stop filling the hours you spend with me talking about other people and try looking inward and telling me about you.

Maybe I need you to stop telling me abstract pieces of a puzzle I'm supposed to put together, and either say nothing or say it all.

Maybe I want you to ask me how I am, or show an interest in me and how I am feeling.

My words roll off your mind like water off a duck's back. They leave no mark, they are barely heard and not understood.

I tell you I love you past the point of madness and you roll your eyes and leave me.
I tell you that when you're not with me it feels like pieces of me are missing.
I tell you that distance is the hardest part...
I tell you my secrets and my hopes and my fears... And you say nothing. I vent my frustration and my pain and you stare at me blankly.

I have given you all of me. And you still have no use for any of it.

The Reasons

12/05/2018


1. I'm not happy anymore. Because
     a. I feel taken for granted
     b. Nothing I do or say seems to matter
     c. I get no feedback on anything: what I say, what I tell you, what I wear, what I do.
     d. I feel like I've stopped meaning anything to you. My presence is tolerated more than its sought. I'm allowed to be there rather than wanted to be there.
     e. I don't feel safe (I half-expect you to hurt me at any given point so I can't fully relax) it could be anything from a photo of another woman, to some hidden connection you never bothered to tell me about before (selling your motorbike). I feel replaceable, I feel like I don't belong with you (not even a small space in your flat or your life for me. Just enough for a couple of t-shirts socks underwear and a pair of jeans). I feel that I am giving you so much more than I am getting back.
     f. We don't talk. And I mean we don't talk about us, about what we want or need from our relationship, we don't talk about the future except that you will leave in a few years. We don't talk about intimacy or sex or desire or anything that could bring us together emotionally. I feel stranded by myself trying to connect to you but not knowing how to.
        g. You would move heaven and earth for your family. You will search out things to do, you want them to be happy. You tidied up and cleared everything (including all traces of me) ... And yet for me you wouldn't even do something I had already paid for. Even when I got us tickets to the cirque du Soleil you fought every step. You didn't want to go. I felt like I had dragged you there against your will, and I know you didn't like it and that made me feel even worse.  I haven't asked you for anything ... I feel guilty for even trying to suggest we do something because you always want to do something else.
It did hurt when you went to the frame ... I'd thought I would have to drag you there, but tickets in advance in order for you to go with me ... But you just went  no planning needed. And that hurt more than you know. It showed me that you are capable of doing something different and fun and spur of the moment... just never with me.
I will always be the outsider who has no rights. I don't know why you wanted to go to Prague with me :) at first I thought it was what people in relationships did. They go on holiday together ... But it didn't feel like a holiday. You weren't well, but there was more. I could feel if. You were cold. No holding hands, no stolen kisses in the snow... Nothing romantic  even though the city was built for it. It is majestic and beautiful and magical. So why did you want me there when I felt you'd have been so much happier if I wasn't? Why take leave with me when you would avoid it all the time after that? When you'd never want to do anything or go anywhere with me?
       h. I just want to feel loved. Told those sweet, romantic things, really looked at and seen, I want someone to love me the way I love you. I want to be touched and kissed and spoiled and made a fuss of. Not because I ask for it, but because it comes naturally. I want to be told I am loved and missed and that I make a positive difference. I want to feel like I'm wanted and that being with me is better than being alone. I feel none of that with you. I'm tolerated. You don't seem to care if I'm there of not. We don't seem to be in love with each other anymore.
         i. I still feel the deep pain I felt when you conveniently forgot about me for 10 days. Not a word. Not a single indicator that I meant anything to you. Nothing. My god but that hurt. And you had no idea that I was on that state. You expected me to be fine. And that broke me. I haven't been the same since. And I can't talk to you about it because I tried. And you cut me off and made it about you. How tough it was on you. How demanding it was. And when eventually we spoke you were angry because you felt I was being a third problem for you to handle... I was never a problem ... In my mind it was us against the world. It was me at your back supporting you. I was never meant to be a burden. I was expected to forget my pain and help you feel better. But you never do :) you push me away.  I'll never be yours because you don't want me to be.
The worst part is you told me I was being dramatic ... you should know by now I avoid confrontation and arguments and drama. I told you I felt like my heart had been ripped out of me and it was killing me. It destroyed me... And you brushed it off like I'd said nothing. I needed you to help me heal but instead you just left me broken and expected me to fix myself so we could keep doing what we do best... say nothing, smile,  small talk... go to the mall...

I know what you are capable of. You're capable of jumping on a plane to say happy birthday to your daughter while forgetting mine. Not even a mention ... all you talked about that day was SEP. 10 minute messages and nothing personal.
I know you are capable of planning and researching and buying tickets online ... just not for me.
I know you will go to the beach 7 days in a row and yet it's just too much effort to go with me.
So why are we even together? If we can't enjoy our time together? If we can't at least communicate? You held me accountable for staying in and watching stuff on my laptop when you wanted to go shopping ... making me feel selfish and unappreciative ... because of a breakdown in communication. I didn't know what you wanted to do. All you remembered was that I said it wasn't my favorite activity... But what choice do I have? I have no options but to do what you do. That's my reality.

These are some of the reasons why I think we simply don't work anymore. It's broken and I can't fix it because it's things that can't change. You have changed with time and I was forced to change with you. But I can't change anymore.  I love you more than you know but this is not healthy for me. I can't keep doing this to myself.

It's hurting me too much... It felt like a breakup before ... it really did and it gutted me. But this slow sustained pain is worse.

There is an analogy as to how it has become that maybe you'll understand... late night comedy ... we used to watch every video we could find. We used to drink them in and look for more... then suddenly we stopped... finding maybe one or two in a week then a month and then 3 or 4 months ... that's what happened with me. You suddenly stopped everything ... no longer told me you loved me or missed me or that I looked nice or that you found me attractive or pretty. I stopped trying to look nice coz you'd never notice and I'd end up feeling stupid and self-conscious. I'd feel ugly and boring in jeans but at least I looked normal instead of a skirt and heels and feeling invisible.

You stopped caring... you threw my compliments back at me with a sarcastic  'yeah right!' when I was being sincere ...

I'm too sensitive for you, and love isn't enough.

Message

07/05/2018



And somehow you and I have nothing to talk about which makes me restless.

The more I look at it the more I realise that I try so hard to be happy and smile and make things work, and I just end up getting hurt time and time again. I take the hits silently, I don't complain, I smile through it and pretend everything is ok even when it isn't. What good would it do anyone if I cried and showed how I felt? I'd just get told I have nothing to be upset over and I'd feel worse for showing a vulnerability and being sad when instead you could have been happy.

And now I've become so quiet that the few times when you are online we simply say nothing. But the weight is on my chest and the more the silence continues the more weight I feel.

And the sad part is it's normal to you to talk about nothing, but my whole world is thought and feeling and a crazy sense of wonder and excitement. I am a creature of adventure and the desire to explore... and you have done all the adventuring and exploring already :)

I realise that you'll never want to come with me on a new experience for me if you've done it already. I can see so much of the things we will never do, all of the places we will never go... all of the things you'd do for others but would never even consider doing for me.

I have known it for ages, but thought that maybe I'm wrong. I have had time to think though, evaluate all the data I've gathered, and I know I wasn't wrong.

And you'll say this has come out of the blue, and maybe this time it has...

Strength to do What's Necessary

18/04/2018

I've been writing about my discontent for more than a year.
Contemplating breaking up for the better part of 8 months.

Yet here I am, still here. Still putting up with the same things that made me unhappy.

It's time to end it.

I wanted to talk first, to try and resolve things, and to explore the possibility of a fix. But now all I want is to show that I'm not prepared to keep doing this.

Love is not enough.

I always put him first above what I should have done for myself. It's my fault for being weak, but the rare times when I actually stood up for myself made me feel bad.

I let it happen. I am weak. I let my emotions rule and I wasted all my time giving in to my impulses. I wanted to be wherever he was. A moment spent apart was a moment wasted. I still feel that way.

Only I feel that way though.

I've come to realise that I will always give more and I will always be taken for granted.
I will never be as important to him as he is to me.

We are unequal in our affection and attachment to each other.
I'm only getting hurt more and more and he doesn't realise it.

I know it'll be pinned on me, I can hear him telling me: "so do what you want!"
And I know I'll say "I can't"

My whole system is rigged in his favor.  I can't help but put him first while he puts me last ...

It'll never work. I can't change myself. I can't try to care less. I can't try to Love him less. I can't put myself first even when I know I should.

I wasn't overstating when I said that my world revolves around him but now I can see the terrible flaw and all the time I wasted.

I give too much.

I'll always be hurt. Always be the one who gives everything and receives nothing. I'll always be the one who is taken for granted.

___

I tried to talk to you. I tried to show you who I am and how I feel and how things look from my side. Instead of staying and giving me these days ... you left.

It'll always be like this.

I'm exhausted with trying so hard to make it work. I push myself past my pain and my fear.  I hold on to every second I spend close to you. I am always left needing more.  I'm too physical. Too emotional. I need real intimacy where everything is shared and open and free. We don't have that.

I will always be the outsider. The tag along.

I'll always be left behind and expected to be here when you decide to come back. You have no attachment to me. You are perfectly fine without me.

It Has to End

10/04/2018

It will break my heart.

I love him, but we're just not right for each other.

You don't see my struggles, and You don't understand half of what I say  ...

You Tolerate Me

31/03/2018

My quirks are not reasons to love me ....

To you they are annoyances that you don't respect and try to overlook

What you don't realise is that they are what I am most proud of .

Threads of Rebellion

29/03/2018

Abstraction.

I can't detail what is wrong. It's just a snake coiled in my stomach choking me.

I feel unneeded. I do not add any value to your life at all. I would want to explore the world with you... you aren't interested in that.

I don't think we will ever do any of the things I want to do. I want a person in my life who I can count on. Who will watch out for me. Who will protect me even from myself.

You are not that kind of person.

I don't think we are compatible anymore...

Our goals
Our priorities
Our interests
Our desires
Our hopes
Our needs

We are on different paths. I followed you on yours. But now you've shifted direction further away from me ... And left me behind on your old one.

You have no space in your life for a girlfriend. You have no space in your life for me.

Love is just a word... not a feeling...

I doubt you'd miss me when I'm gone.

Short

27/03/2018

She loved too hard
She loved too deep
It imploded back into her
She broke under it.

When a lake dries up, look for the sea

This will probably come as a surprise to you. In trying to talk to you I've realised that you think everything is perfectly fine. Whereas I have realised that I no longer have any reason to hope for an improvement on our relationship.

I have been hurt over and over and over by the little things you do that show no consideration for me. The hundreds of needles I can feel still prickling and hurting. You say you love me but it doesn't show.

I'm left with a bitter taste of indifference in the back of my throat, and my soul has been crushed so many times, I no longer feel whole.

I'm not as difficult as you would have me believe. You see me as an irrational woman who is impossible to please.

I'm only a girl, wanting to be loved for who she is. I'm just a human being trying to connect.

We have nothing left to fight for.  It's all gone, died while I was the one keeping it alive. Breathing life, pouring love into what was already long gone. We have nothing left between us but empty promises and forgotten dreams of happiness.

What I was giving you was an endless river, but it ended up draining into your desert leaving nothing behind. No traces are left. You felt none of it. You needed none of it.

I can't keep doing this to myself.