01/06/2018
I have gone cold.
Love still burns inside me but he is undeserving of it.
I have made mistakes, it's true.
But whatever I give to him leaves no mark. It's unappreciated. It's like dust.
So what is the point of trying?
_____
5/6
It just occurred to me that I've wasted so much time doing things that meant nothing. In trying to be supportive, it was not seen, not just taken for granted but it didn't even register.
Nothing I do means anything.
I'm stuck in a place where I can find no light or happiness. No fulfilment... I'm starving for a kind word, a sign of love. A hint of appreciation.
I love him with all my heart and he doesn't care.
_____
13/6
I've changed.
I remember a time when I would cry and my soul would feel crushed inside me at the lack of intimacy. I'd beg him to say the words I needed to hear. Now I have stopped saying them except in moments of weakness.
But what kind of a life is this? What kind of a relationship demands silence on the one thing that binds two people together? That effectively makes me hold my feelings inside until I burst.
I've stopped caring. I've stopped trying. Back when I would open up and say what I felt. When I would try to show what was wrong and what I needed I'd be belittled. Instead of being comforted and shown affection I was shown contempt.
It's not like me to be cold.
I can't fight any more.
There is nothing to fight for.
_____
15/06/2018
Stubbornness has always had a home in me. This time is one of them.
I refuse to speak. I said words yesterday and they were misunderstood and twisted and ignored. I opened my heart and it got stabbed.
I have tried hard. I have given it my all. I have opened up even when I didn't want to, even when it made me uncomfortable, because i wanted to make it work.
He got defensive and blamed it all on me. I am the one imagining things. It's all in my head. I'm the problem.
All I wanted was to be loved.
I pushed him a little and instead of comfort and gentleness I got coldness and indifference. I got pushed away as if none of what I said affected him. It's just me.
I can do nothing more.
I need more.
I have gone cold.
Love still burns inside me but he is undeserving of it.
I have made mistakes, it's true.
But whatever I give to him leaves no mark. It's unappreciated. It's like dust.
So what is the point of trying?
_____
5/6
It just occurred to me that I've wasted so much time doing things that meant nothing. In trying to be supportive, it was not seen, not just taken for granted but it didn't even register.
Nothing I do means anything.
I'm stuck in a place where I can find no light or happiness. No fulfilment... I'm starving for a kind word, a sign of love. A hint of appreciation.
I love him with all my heart and he doesn't care.
_____
13/6
I've changed.
I remember a time when I would cry and my soul would feel crushed inside me at the lack of intimacy. I'd beg him to say the words I needed to hear. Now I have stopped saying them except in moments of weakness.
But what kind of a life is this? What kind of a relationship demands silence on the one thing that binds two people together? That effectively makes me hold my feelings inside until I burst.
I've stopped caring. I've stopped trying. Back when I would open up and say what I felt. When I would try to show what was wrong and what I needed I'd be belittled. Instead of being comforted and shown affection I was shown contempt.
It's not like me to be cold.
I can't fight any more.
There is nothing to fight for.
_____
15/06/2018
Stubbornness has always had a home in me. This time is one of them.
I refuse to speak. I said words yesterday and they were misunderstood and twisted and ignored. I opened my heart and it got stabbed.
I have tried hard. I have given it my all. I have opened up even when I didn't want to, even when it made me uncomfortable, because i wanted to make it work.
He got defensive and blamed it all on me. I am the one imagining things. It's all in my head. I'm the problem.
All I wanted was to be loved.
I pushed him a little and instead of comfort and gentleness I got coldness and indifference. I got pushed away as if none of what I said affected him. It's just me.
I can do nothing more.
I need more.
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