12/05/2018
1. I'm not happy anymore. Because
a. I feel taken for granted
b. Nothing I do or say seems to matter
c. I get no feedback on anything: what I say, what I tell you, what I wear, what I do.
d. I feel like I've stopped meaning anything to you. My presence is tolerated more than its sought. I'm allowed to be there rather than wanted to be there.
e. I don't feel safe (I half-expect you to hurt me at any given point so I can't fully relax) it could be anything from a photo of another woman, to some hidden connection you never bothered to tell me about before (selling your motorbike). I feel replaceable, I feel like I don't belong with you (not even a small space in your flat or your life for me. Just enough for a couple of t-shirts socks underwear and a pair of jeans). I feel that I am giving you so much more than I am getting back.
f. We don't talk. And I mean we don't talk about us, about what we want or need from our relationship, we don't talk about the future except that you will leave in a few years. We don't talk about intimacy or sex or desire or anything that could bring us together emotionally. I feel stranded by myself trying to connect to you but not knowing how to.
g. You would move heaven and earth for your family. You will search out things to do, you want them to be happy. You tidied up and cleared everything (including all traces of me) ... And yet for me you wouldn't even do something I had already paid for. Even when I got us tickets to the cirque du Soleil you fought every step. You didn't want to go. I felt like I had dragged you there against your will, and I know you didn't like it and that made me feel even worse. I haven't asked you for anything ... I feel guilty for even trying to suggest we do something because you always want to do something else.
It did hurt when you went to the frame ... I'd thought I would have to drag you there, but tickets in advance in order for you to go with me ... But you just went no planning needed. And that hurt more than you know. It showed me that you are capable of doing something different and fun and spur of the moment... just never with me.
I will always be the outsider who has no rights. I don't know why you wanted to go to Prague with me :) at first I thought it was what people in relationships did. They go on holiday together ... But it didn't feel like a holiday. You weren't well, but there was more. I could feel if. You were cold. No holding hands, no stolen kisses in the snow... Nothing romantic even though the city was built for it. It is majestic and beautiful and magical. So why did you want me there when I felt you'd have been so much happier if I wasn't? Why take leave with me when you would avoid it all the time after that? When you'd never want to do anything or go anywhere with me?
h. I just want to feel loved. Told those sweet, romantic things, really looked at and seen, I want someone to love me the way I love you. I want to be touched and kissed and spoiled and made a fuss of. Not because I ask for it, but because it comes naturally. I want to be told I am loved and missed and that I make a positive difference. I want to feel like I'm wanted and that being with me is better than being alone. I feel none of that with you. I'm tolerated. You don't seem to care if I'm there of not. We don't seem to be in love with each other anymore.
i. I still feel the deep pain I felt when you conveniently forgot about me for 10 days. Not a word. Not a single indicator that I meant anything to you. Nothing. My god but that hurt. And you had no idea that I was on that state. You expected me to be fine. And that broke me. I haven't been the same since. And I can't talk to you about it because I tried. And you cut me off and made it about you. How tough it was on you. How demanding it was. And when eventually we spoke you were angry because you felt I was being a third problem for you to handle... I was never a problem ... In my mind it was us against the world. It was me at your back supporting you. I was never meant to be a burden. I was expected to forget my pain and help you feel better. But you never do :) you push me away. I'll never be yours because you don't want me to be.
The worst part is you told me I was being dramatic ... you should know by now I avoid confrontation and arguments and drama. I told you I felt like my heart had been ripped out of me and it was killing me. It destroyed me... And you brushed it off like I'd said nothing. I needed you to help me heal but instead you just left me broken and expected me to fix myself so we could keep doing what we do best... say nothing, smile, small talk... go to the mall...
I know what you are capable of. You're capable of jumping on a plane to say happy birthday to your daughter while forgetting mine. Not even a mention ... all you talked about that day was SEP. 10 minute messages and nothing personal.
I know you are capable of planning and researching and buying tickets online ... just not for me.
I know you will go to the beach 7 days in a row and yet it's just too much effort to go with me.
So why are we even together? If we can't enjoy our time together? If we can't at least communicate? You held me accountable for staying in and watching stuff on my laptop when you wanted to go shopping ... making me feel selfish and unappreciative ... because of a breakdown in communication. I didn't know what you wanted to do. All you remembered was that I said it wasn't my favorite activity... But what choice do I have? I have no options but to do what you do. That's my reality.
These are some of the reasons why I think we simply don't work anymore. It's broken and I can't fix it because it's things that can't change. You have changed with time and I was forced to change with you. But I can't change anymore. I love you more than you know but this is not healthy for me. I can't keep doing this to myself.
It's hurting me too much... It felt like a breakup before ... it really did and it gutted me. But this slow sustained pain is worse.
There is an analogy as to how it has become that maybe you'll understand... late night comedy ... we used to watch every video we could find. We used to drink them in and look for more... then suddenly we stopped... finding maybe one or two in a week then a month and then 3 or 4 months ... that's what happened with me. You suddenly stopped everything ... no longer told me you loved me or missed me or that I looked nice or that you found me attractive or pretty. I stopped trying to look nice coz you'd never notice and I'd end up feeling stupid and self-conscious. I'd feel ugly and boring in jeans but at least I looked normal instead of a skirt and heels and feeling invisible.
You stopped caring... you threw my compliments back at me with a sarcastic 'yeah right!' when I was being sincere ...
I'm too sensitive for you, and love isn't enough.
1. I'm not happy anymore. Because
a. I feel taken for granted
b. Nothing I do or say seems to matter
c. I get no feedback on anything: what I say, what I tell you, what I wear, what I do.
d. I feel like I've stopped meaning anything to you. My presence is tolerated more than its sought. I'm allowed to be there rather than wanted to be there.
e. I don't feel safe (I half-expect you to hurt me at any given point so I can't fully relax) it could be anything from a photo of another woman, to some hidden connection you never bothered to tell me about before (selling your motorbike). I feel replaceable, I feel like I don't belong with you (not even a small space in your flat or your life for me. Just enough for a couple of t-shirts socks underwear and a pair of jeans). I feel that I am giving you so much more than I am getting back.
f. We don't talk. And I mean we don't talk about us, about what we want or need from our relationship, we don't talk about the future except that you will leave in a few years. We don't talk about intimacy or sex or desire or anything that could bring us together emotionally. I feel stranded by myself trying to connect to you but not knowing how to.
g. You would move heaven and earth for your family. You will search out things to do, you want them to be happy. You tidied up and cleared everything (including all traces of me) ... And yet for me you wouldn't even do something I had already paid for. Even when I got us tickets to the cirque du Soleil you fought every step. You didn't want to go. I felt like I had dragged you there against your will, and I know you didn't like it and that made me feel even worse. I haven't asked you for anything ... I feel guilty for even trying to suggest we do something because you always want to do something else.
It did hurt when you went to the frame ... I'd thought I would have to drag you there, but tickets in advance in order for you to go with me ... But you just went no planning needed. And that hurt more than you know. It showed me that you are capable of doing something different and fun and spur of the moment... just never with me.
I will always be the outsider who has no rights. I don't know why you wanted to go to Prague with me :) at first I thought it was what people in relationships did. They go on holiday together ... But it didn't feel like a holiday. You weren't well, but there was more. I could feel if. You were cold. No holding hands, no stolen kisses in the snow... Nothing romantic even though the city was built for it. It is majestic and beautiful and magical. So why did you want me there when I felt you'd have been so much happier if I wasn't? Why take leave with me when you would avoid it all the time after that? When you'd never want to do anything or go anywhere with me?
h. I just want to feel loved. Told those sweet, romantic things, really looked at and seen, I want someone to love me the way I love you. I want to be touched and kissed and spoiled and made a fuss of. Not because I ask for it, but because it comes naturally. I want to be told I am loved and missed and that I make a positive difference. I want to feel like I'm wanted and that being with me is better than being alone. I feel none of that with you. I'm tolerated. You don't seem to care if I'm there of not. We don't seem to be in love with each other anymore.
i. I still feel the deep pain I felt when you conveniently forgot about me for 10 days. Not a word. Not a single indicator that I meant anything to you. Nothing. My god but that hurt. And you had no idea that I was on that state. You expected me to be fine. And that broke me. I haven't been the same since. And I can't talk to you about it because I tried. And you cut me off and made it about you. How tough it was on you. How demanding it was. And when eventually we spoke you were angry because you felt I was being a third problem for you to handle... I was never a problem ... In my mind it was us against the world. It was me at your back supporting you. I was never meant to be a burden. I was expected to forget my pain and help you feel better. But you never do :) you push me away. I'll never be yours because you don't want me to be.
The worst part is you told me I was being dramatic ... you should know by now I avoid confrontation and arguments and drama. I told you I felt like my heart had been ripped out of me and it was killing me. It destroyed me... And you brushed it off like I'd said nothing. I needed you to help me heal but instead you just left me broken and expected me to fix myself so we could keep doing what we do best... say nothing, smile, small talk... go to the mall...
I know what you are capable of. You're capable of jumping on a plane to say happy birthday to your daughter while forgetting mine. Not even a mention ... all you talked about that day was SEP. 10 minute messages and nothing personal.
I know you are capable of planning and researching and buying tickets online ... just not for me.
I know you will go to the beach 7 days in a row and yet it's just too much effort to go with me.
So why are we even together? If we can't enjoy our time together? If we can't at least communicate? You held me accountable for staying in and watching stuff on my laptop when you wanted to go shopping ... making me feel selfish and unappreciative ... because of a breakdown in communication. I didn't know what you wanted to do. All you remembered was that I said it wasn't my favorite activity... But what choice do I have? I have no options but to do what you do. That's my reality.
These are some of the reasons why I think we simply don't work anymore. It's broken and I can't fix it because it's things that can't change. You have changed with time and I was forced to change with you. But I can't change anymore. I love you more than you know but this is not healthy for me. I can't keep doing this to myself.
It's hurting me too much... It felt like a breakup before ... it really did and it gutted me. But this slow sustained pain is worse.
There is an analogy as to how it has become that maybe you'll understand... late night comedy ... we used to watch every video we could find. We used to drink them in and look for more... then suddenly we stopped... finding maybe one or two in a week then a month and then 3 or 4 months ... that's what happened with me. You suddenly stopped everything ... no longer told me you loved me or missed me or that I looked nice or that you found me attractive or pretty. I stopped trying to look nice coz you'd never notice and I'd end up feeling stupid and self-conscious. I'd feel ugly and boring in jeans but at least I looked normal instead of a skirt and heels and feeling invisible.
You stopped caring... you threw my compliments back at me with a sarcastic 'yeah right!' when I was being sincere ...
I'm too sensitive for you, and love isn't enough.
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