21/08/2018
"The devil is in the details."
Isn't that what they say? Even now I don't quite know what that means, but what I do know is that it's the little things that count. The tiny things that have changed, and in their changing they have altered everything. Our entire picture has been altered with these seemingly tiny changes.
I've mentioned them all before. I've cried and begged and begged. I've tried to explain why I need what I need. I've begged you to tell me you love me. I cried and asked you to tell me you miss me. I laid my pride under your feet and let you crush it. I haven't done that in a while. I learnt that asking will make you give it to me once, begrudgingly and you will mock me for it later. I learnt that explaining myself and why I need to hear those words means nothing to you.
I learnt that hoping if I say them first you will echo me is a fool's hope. Nothing will come of it.
I've learnt that now, even hoping for a simple "goodnight" is too much to ask for. The reason why this is such a big deal is that it's not about the words or the circumstance, it's about meaning.
You telling me goodnight is meaningful. You heard me, you are closing our conversation. You are letting me go with grace. With a kiss. With love. It is meaningful because you're mine. Because I'm yours.
You ignoring me is in essence telling me I'm not worthy.
We used to be in love. We used to really be crazy about each other. I was happy. Time spent with you was magical regardless what we did or where we went.
You used to tell me I was a turn on, that I was sexy, desirable, wanted... you made me feel beautiful and that made me more open, more courageous. I felt safe enough to tell you some of my deepest desires and turnons.
I don't feel safe anymore.
I don't feel anything. I take it a day at a time. I've given up on so much. I've let my vibrant world turn to grey. I've become a boring version of myself.
I used to be more than this.
Life is so much more than this. I want to feel loved, I want to be in love, crazy mad wonderful exhilllerating passionate beautiful strong and wild. I want to be a part of you, part of a whole. I want to have something that doesn't make me scared or afraid of saying the wrong thing. I want to have something that makes me happy and excited. I want to be in love, and I want someone to be in love with me.
And I've known this for months and I did nothing about it. I sat on it and stayed quiet hoping that you'd realise who I am. I'm the woman who would give you anything and everything. Nothing would be too much trouble or too much effort.
I loved you with all my heart and soul. It was too much.
I've had to dilute it until I don't recognise it as love anynore. We've settled into routine. We've given up on passion.
Meaning is everything. Depth and layers and colour. You don't see me anymore. But I still see you. I still love you. In moments where it comes back strong enough to take my breath away ... but you are still cold and so I hold it all inside me.
There's more to life than this... there's more to love than this.
I deserve more.
"The devil is in the details."
Isn't that what they say? Even now I don't quite know what that means, but what I do know is that it's the little things that count. The tiny things that have changed, and in their changing they have altered everything. Our entire picture has been altered with these seemingly tiny changes.
I've mentioned them all before. I've cried and begged and begged. I've tried to explain why I need what I need. I've begged you to tell me you love me. I cried and asked you to tell me you miss me. I laid my pride under your feet and let you crush it. I haven't done that in a while. I learnt that asking will make you give it to me once, begrudgingly and you will mock me for it later. I learnt that explaining myself and why I need to hear those words means nothing to you.
I learnt that hoping if I say them first you will echo me is a fool's hope. Nothing will come of it.
I've learnt that now, even hoping for a simple "goodnight" is too much to ask for. The reason why this is such a big deal is that it's not about the words or the circumstance, it's about meaning.
You telling me goodnight is meaningful. You heard me, you are closing our conversation. You are letting me go with grace. With a kiss. With love. It is meaningful because you're mine. Because I'm yours.
You ignoring me is in essence telling me I'm not worthy.
We used to be in love. We used to really be crazy about each other. I was happy. Time spent with you was magical regardless what we did or where we went.
You used to tell me I was a turn on, that I was sexy, desirable, wanted... you made me feel beautiful and that made me more open, more courageous. I felt safe enough to tell you some of my deepest desires and turnons.
I don't feel safe anymore.
I don't feel anything. I take it a day at a time. I've given up on so much. I've let my vibrant world turn to grey. I've become a boring version of myself.
I used to be more than this.
Life is so much more than this. I want to feel loved, I want to be in love, crazy mad wonderful exhilllerating passionate beautiful strong and wild. I want to be a part of you, part of a whole. I want to have something that doesn't make me scared or afraid of saying the wrong thing. I want to have something that makes me happy and excited. I want to be in love, and I want someone to be in love with me.
And I've known this for months and I did nothing about it. I sat on it and stayed quiet hoping that you'd realise who I am. I'm the woman who would give you anything and everything. Nothing would be too much trouble or too much effort.
I loved you with all my heart and soul. It was too much.
I've had to dilute it until I don't recognise it as love anynore. We've settled into routine. We've given up on passion.
Meaning is everything. Depth and layers and colour. You don't see me anymore. But I still see you. I still love you. In moments where it comes back strong enough to take my breath away ... but you are still cold and so I hold it all inside me.
There's more to life than this... there's more to love than this.
I deserve more.
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