Example 2

11/07/2019

"I'm going somewhere now, I'll text you later"

Going somewhere.

Again, no mention of what I said before.

This has to be the end.

-----

I've realised how dead I've become inside. I have no life left in me.

I've become boring, and my fire has been put out. My lust for life has gone, lust in general  has disappeared, and I feel nothing.

Intimacy is a thing of the past. I'm not even interested in sex anymore.

All we have left is the familiar warmth of his arms and the sound of his voice which I still love.

And that's not enough to keep us together.

-------

I remember the last time I was in New York as if it was yesterday; I was crying in the lobby, and the whole way back to Dubai. I was detroyed and distraught.

That was the day of EBB, that was also the day I heard that They were coming.

Nothing could have prepared me for that. I still haven't healed from it. I realised that today. I am still in pain over it. And I'll never heal until someone comes and wraps their arms around me and tells me I'm ok, and that nothing will ever hurt me as bad as that again.

I should have broken up with him then, or when he forgot my birthday, or when I discovered he had a child, or when he refused to go on leave with me, or when he told me that he didn't have a plan for the future, or when he won't take me anywhere, or when he treats me like I don't matter.
Back when I had to beg for him to tell me that he loved me.
All those times I should have left him.  So now it's definitely time. I should have left him years ago, but I was still in love, and didn't have the heart to leave him.

_________

12/07/19

I don't know what I want.

I know that we have to break up. It's a fake relationship, with none of the things that enrich and give meaning, we are not bonded together with experience and love; it's more like convenience and routine.

I know we were in love years ago. It was real. But it died when I wrote about it dying in November 2016. Since then it's been a rocky road of ups and downs. We haven't done anything noteworthy, we haven't made any memories. It's the same old stuff, wasting my days off on dragon mart and malls.

We have no future together.

We can't get married, because we  wouldn't succeed. I can't do this for the rest of my life. I can't be this bored and unstimulated.
And if we aren't meant to be in the long run, then what's the point of being together in the short term.

I know it'll be hard to find what I'm looking for. It'll take a lot of time and effort to look through the world till I find the one who is meant for me. But I'm willing to try.

Because I know this is going nowhere and it's just a waste of time trying.

__________

I don't think there's anything that can be done to fix it.

The time for reversal has passed, and now we have nothing left that could make it better.

I remember kissing at traffic lights, being comfortable going out in heels and short skirts coz I knew he was looking, and I loved that I had his attention. I remember long lazy mornings spent wrapped up in each other.
I remember feeling the best and electricity between us that would draw us closer. I remember being held when I was cold; I also remember being left to freeze and shiver and get sick when I was cold.
I remember being in love, intensely and irrevocably in love. I was sure you were my future husband :) I was absolutely convinced of it.
But we have both changed.
I've grown apart from you, I've slowly found my feet and managed to get away from the unhealthy cycle of just us, and knowing no one here.

Love isn't enough.  I've been saying that for ages, and it doesn't get any less true in the repeating.

We're not right for each other.

I need more adventures. I want to be with someone who suggests things to do, who wants to go out, make memories, and find joy in the simple things.
I want to be with someone who will listen to what i say I love, and what I like to do, and who would do their best to do it.
I want to be with someone who loves me fully, and knows that I'm who they want and they'll move heaven and earth to keep me.
I want to be with someone who thinks I'm special and rare and who knows I'm different.
I want to be with someone who can understand me, who would know how to get through to me.
I want to be with someone who won't hurt me.
I want to be with someone who would treat me like I treat him, with love, kindness, respect, desire, gentleness, thoughtfulness, consideration, and care.
I want to be with someone who accepts me for who I am, and who understands me enough to know what drives me, and what alters my moods.

Love, passion, desire and intimacy

Example 1

09/07/2019

[09/07, 12:33 pm] ~Nadia: I've been doing some thinking.

There is a possibility that I overreacted. I have been looking into the reasons why that might have happened.
[09/07, 12:34 pm] ~Nadia: Long story short, I don't think my indignation was misplaced, but there were other, more civil ways to express my feelings.
[09/07, 12:38 pm] ~Nadia: I find myself not knowing what my rights are, or what my duties are.
[09/07, 12:42 pm] ~Nadia: For example, is it my right to know things as simple as when you have LV, or is it normal to be blindsided by it? Do I have a right to be upset by it, or is that an overreaction?
[09/07, 1:12 pm] ~Nadia: If I'm being completely transparent, I think I'm holding back because I believe we've reached stagnation. I don't bring out the best in you, I don't give you anything that you need.
I waste your time with movies and empty conversations about things that don't mean anything. I take up too much of your time with nothing to show for it.
I'm not important enough for you to want to plan things with me, or go places with me, or go to the places I've asked you to go with me.

I used to see a future with you, I really believed that we'd make it work and we would be happy. That everything that was mine was also yours, that I'd share everything with you, from my hopes, dreams, fears and worries no matter how small, to a home and a family and a future.

----

I said this, this morning after thinking things through as to why I was angered by him mimicking me in what I perceived as mockery.
I thought maybe I had overreacted, from bring hurt at feeling like not only was I unappreciated, but that my almost painful kindness and patience was not only unwanted, but an object of mockery. I went on the defensive, if the good in me is unwanted then I'll give the opposite. If me caring is unwanted then I'll stop caring.

Maybe I overreacted, after all it was only perceived mockery, based on how he has acted before.
And it is true that the tone he used to copy me is the same tone he uses when copying others he is showing derision towards, or if people are demanding or unreasonable in his eyes, that's what he sounds like. 
To hear my words said back to me in that tone snapped something in me.

And at the end of it, I came across as being weird, and unstable. I was just, and felt like not only am I now someone to complain about, but that my words weigh heavily on him, when they were never meant to be.

Do I have a right to be unhappy? Do I have a right to not know how to react?

I know it's something very small; it seems ridiculous that something as insubstantial as the tone of voice could cause so much upset, but it's everything that it means. .

------

His answer was a 33 second message, completely ignoring everything, as if I had said nothing, as if nothing had happened.
In it he said he was tired, was going to bed early, and assumes I'm also sleeping. That he might be online from that point onward. The end.

---------

What do I do with that?

Do I also pretend that nothing happened? That I hadn't just foreshadowed our imminent breakup? Do I let it go because he is at home and on leave? Do I wait until he is back and then talk about it?

What should I do??

---------

I'm confused. I thought there would be at least some mention of what I said, after all it is serious. And heavy, and I can't just pretend that I said nothing. I can't do that to myself.
I also can't drag attention to it, because i don't have the energy or the time to discuss it now.
Do what should I do?
Say nothing until he does?
Or let it go?

I can't keep doing this; I can't keep pretending that everything is fine, and ignoring the fact that we are simply not made for each other, and we are clinging onto something unhealthy just because it's familiar.

I can't push a reset button that makes it all go away, and fixes everything.

I honestly saw a future with him, when things were good and I missed him and loved him and felt that he also missed me and loved me and wanted to spend every spare minute with me because that's what you do when you love someone. But he's got me doubting the fundamentals. He's got me asking myself if I should want to be with him when we are both in Dubai on days of? If I should want to live with him? If I should want to go on road trips and make memories?

He's got me asking myself what the point is? What's the point of spending time together? What's the point of being upset if he's not here? It's normal to spend time apart. It's normal to not talk about us and what's happening in our relationship.  It's normal to feel afraid of mentioning anything regarding us. I feel uncomfortable talking about anything that touches us.

It's got to the point where I was with him, feeling cooped up and almost imprisoned, wishing I was at home, or having lunch with friends. I just didn't want to be there. And that isn't me. I'm not the kind of person who would rather be with friends than with my boyfriend.

I'm the person who puts my SO first.

---------

So what should I do?

I do still love him, but it's a love that has lost its heat and passion.

He said it's normal for a routine to develop, same as work (yes, he likened a relationship to work, which is something I would never do).
I want to break the routine but I can't do it alone. And honestly, what's the point of there's no future?

I've been facing down the same issues since we started, we go nowhere, experience nothing, we don't have any pictures together, we are boring. I don't bring out his sense of adventure. I don't make him want to be a better person, I can't push him into embracing life or living or experiencing anything amazing. I can't spur him into action.

He needs someone who can light a fire inside him, or under him and make him move. Maybe he needs what I need, someone who knows things, and who can take us places. I can't be that person because I'm still learning. He can't be that person for me because he's done it all. And he can't be bothered to go again.

So, what's the point of prolonging this?

We're not good for each other.

---------

The question still remains: what do I do now?

He is at home, dealing with everything he is usually dealing with, and I can't pretend anymore.
I don't fit into his life at all. Maybe this is the best time to create distance. To simply part ways.

It will be very strange at first, being alone, not having anyone to tell things to... But I know in my heart we are not right for each other. And honestly, I don't tell him much because he's not interested. We talk about money, crypto, BTC, properties, and work.
I do need more.

I've become boring. And I need to find myself again.

--------

The main question that I'm asking myself is this: if we know that there is no future in which we are together, then is it delusional to proceed with the present?
And I know it's a tough question to think about.

--------

Thoughts

09/07/2019

I'm obviously having a hard time wrapping my head around things.

Am I being unreasonable?

Possibly. 

I think my reaction is not only because I felt like I was being mocked, but because I said everything because I care, and I want to help. Staying in a negative thought pattern is unhealthy, and potentially dangerous.

I felt like not only was my effort unappreciated, it was unwanted and looked upon with disdain, and hostility.

I felt bad because I didn't want to be pushy, and I didn't want to cause any kind of negativity, if anything, I was aiming for the exact opposite.

My decision to flip to the opposite night have been harsh, and unexpected.

But I think that was caused by the fact I've been pushed more, and more, and more towards this.
It's a long, slow build up of emotions and negativity that has weighed heavily on my chest, eventually erupting at the smallest provocation.

The problem is that I don't have any examples. I can't remember individual events that made me feel bad. I remember the big ones though.

I know the reasons why I have been thinking we shouldn't be together any more.

Maybe, it's my way of finding a reason to distance myself, and make it easier when we do break up.

He will be fine without me. More than fine.

And I will have to try to be fine as well.

But for now, I'm thinking about how to handle this situation.

For starters, I didn't even know he had LV until the July rosters came out.
We have still not discussed going on LV together. 6 days till bidding closes.
He doesn't treat me like I need to be treated. There is no warmth or care or intimacy.
I know I'm low on the priority list.

I can't use any of these reasons now. Even though they are valid, and collectively have contributed towards this newest snap.

I have even started to doubt myself, whether I am toxic. If I'm the one who is manipulative or evil... But, I do everything because I care. I put myself last. I don't ask him for anything. Not even time.

He's made me doubt everything, including why we should spend time together, and the meaning of everything. I feel like I'm locked into a relationship that is empty but for the name of it.

-----
This isn't me.

I'm not this hostile person who is looking for reasons not to love someone. Not to give, to withhold emotions and love and try to make them realise how lucky they were when I was myself. This isn't me, it's not right, and it's not healthy.

If he doesn't already realise who I am, and all the good things about me, then me turning away won't help. Only my absolute absence would show him what he's missing, and by then it'll be too late.

I wouldn't go back. Even though I do still love him, I think, May be I'm not in love with him anymore. Its more of the same love as how I feel about puppies. I love them, and want to hold them and cuddle them and protect them.
But is that how a person would want to be loved?

Is that how I should love a man?

We have not discussed anything regarding the future.

I Am Stronger

06/07/2019

The old wounds have almost healed,
Thick scabs covering the worst of them.
Numbed to the agony and tormented anguish,
I no longer feel pain, desire or love.

The delicate fluttering heart has stopped;
Now solid, unyielding, unbreaking
Love is a shadow of what it was
Smaller, less fragile, conforming

I remember myself,
A tender, open, bleeding heart,
Fighting, struggling, and striving
Wanting to receive the love I was giving

I no longer feel the need for his body,
The memories make me smile,
But I no longer crave him
He's not my drug anymore.

It's Not Fair

28.02.2019

My love,

Upon reading through my old notes and letters, I realise that I have been writing about this feeling of disconnect and lack of true intimacy since December 2016. There are possibly older pieces that I haven't found yet.

Fast-forward two years later and I am still writing about it. A lot has happened in those years, heartache and heartbreak. Sometimes things are great between us, and I believe in happiness again, but those moments are short-lived. They end abruptly, and I am left wondering what went wrong, what did I do to make you withdraw from me?

You and I are so different, I don't doubt our love, but I do doubt our ability to make each other happy.

I have tried to show you who I am, to explain myself, to give myself to you.

All I wanted was to be loved, and I know you say you love me, but we love each other in different ways that sometimes don't make it past the words into something that can be felt.

To the End

11.01.2019

I spoke a little of my mind, and the result was as I feared.

There is no long-term plan for us.
It's a take each day as it comes kind of arrangement with no thought of the future.

I've let it be this way because I didn't want to rock the boat, but I can't do that any more.

The result was that he doesn't need to talk about anything and that me talking makes him not satisfied (his words, not mine. I'm not paraphrasing).

I don't think there's anything worth staying for.

Our end goals are different and I just wish we had talked about this in the beginning so we'd know we are not compatible and I wouldn't have wasted so much time.

I've given 3 years working towards a dead end.

Leaving each other is scary. Being alone is scary. But in the end I think it is better for us both. It's selfish of me to want to stay when I know it won't work. And it's selfish of him to keep me knowing it won't work.

I have to leave.