09/07/2019
[09/07, 12:33 pm] ~Nadia: I've been doing some thinking.
There is a possibility that I overreacted. I have been looking into the reasons why that might have happened.
[09/07, 12:34 pm] ~Nadia: Long story short, I don't think my indignation was misplaced, but there were other, more civil ways to express my feelings.
[09/07, 12:38 pm] ~Nadia: I find myself not knowing what my rights are, or what my duties are.
[09/07, 12:42 pm] ~Nadia: For example, is it my right to know things as simple as when you have LV, or is it normal to be blindsided by it? Do I have a right to be upset by it, or is that an overreaction?
[09/07, 1:12 pm] ~Nadia: If I'm being completely transparent, I think I'm holding back because I believe we've reached stagnation. I don't bring out the best in you, I don't give you anything that you need.
I waste your time with movies and empty conversations about things that don't mean anything. I take up too much of your time with nothing to show for it.
I'm not important enough for you to want to plan things with me, or go places with me, or go to the places I've asked you to go with me.
I used to see a future with you, I really believed that we'd make it work and we would be happy. That everything that was mine was also yours, that I'd share everything with you, from my hopes, dreams, fears and worries no matter how small, to a home and a family and a future.
----
I said this, this morning after thinking things through as to why I was angered by him mimicking me in what I perceived as mockery.
I thought maybe I had overreacted, from bring hurt at feeling like not only was I unappreciated, but that my almost painful kindness and patience was not only unwanted, but an object of mockery. I went on the defensive, if the good in me is unwanted then I'll give the opposite. If me caring is unwanted then I'll stop caring.
Maybe I overreacted, after all it was only perceived mockery, based on how he has acted before.
And it is true that the tone he used to copy me is the same tone he uses when copying others he is showing derision towards, or if people are demanding or unreasonable in his eyes, that's what he sounds like.
To hear my words said back to me in that tone snapped something in me.
And at the end of it, I came across as being weird, and unstable. I was just, and felt like not only am I now someone to complain about, but that my words weigh heavily on him, when they were never meant to be.
Do I have a right to be unhappy? Do I have a right to not know how to react?
I know it's something very small; it seems ridiculous that something as insubstantial as the tone of voice could cause so much upset, but it's everything that it means. .
------
His answer was a 33 second message, completely ignoring everything, as if I had said nothing, as if nothing had happened.
In it he said he was tired, was going to bed early, and assumes I'm also sleeping. That he might be online from that point onward. The end.
---------
What do I do with that?
Do I also pretend that nothing happened? That I hadn't just foreshadowed our imminent breakup? Do I let it go because he is at home and on leave? Do I wait until he is back and then talk about it?
What should I do??
---------
I'm confused. I thought there would be at least some mention of what I said, after all it is serious. And heavy, and I can't just pretend that I said nothing. I can't do that to myself.
I also can't drag attention to it, because i don't have the energy or the time to discuss it now.
Do what should I do?
Say nothing until he does?
Or let it go?
I can't keep doing this; I can't keep pretending that everything is fine, and ignoring the fact that we are simply not made for each other, and we are clinging onto something unhealthy just because it's familiar.
I can't push a reset button that makes it all go away, and fixes everything.
I honestly saw a future with him, when things were good and I missed him and loved him and felt that he also missed me and loved me and wanted to spend every spare minute with me because that's what you do when you love someone. But he's got me doubting the fundamentals. He's got me asking myself if I should want to be with him when we are both in Dubai on days of? If I should want to live with him? If I should want to go on road trips and make memories?
He's got me asking myself what the point is? What's the point of spending time together? What's the point of being upset if he's not here? It's normal to spend time apart. It's normal to not talk about us and what's happening in our relationship. It's normal to feel afraid of mentioning anything regarding us. I feel uncomfortable talking about anything that touches us.
It's got to the point where I was with him, feeling cooped up and almost imprisoned, wishing I was at home, or having lunch with friends. I just didn't want to be there. And that isn't me. I'm not the kind of person who would rather be with friends than with my boyfriend.
I'm the person who puts my SO first.
---------
So what should I do?
I do still love him, but it's a love that has lost its heat and passion.
He said it's normal for a routine to develop, same as work (yes, he likened a relationship to work, which is something I would never do).
I want to break the routine but I can't do it alone. And honestly, what's the point of there's no future?
I've been facing down the same issues since we started, we go nowhere, experience nothing, we don't have any pictures together, we are boring. I don't bring out his sense of adventure. I don't make him want to be a better person, I can't push him into embracing life or living or experiencing anything amazing. I can't spur him into action.
He needs someone who can light a fire inside him, or under him and make him move. Maybe he needs what I need, someone who knows things, and who can take us places. I can't be that person because I'm still learning. He can't be that person for me because he's done it all. And he can't be bothered to go again.
So, what's the point of prolonging this?
We're not good for each other.
---------
The question still remains: what do I do now?
He is at home, dealing with everything he is usually dealing with, and I can't pretend anymore.
I don't fit into his life at all. Maybe this is the best time to create distance. To simply part ways.
It will be very strange at first, being alone, not having anyone to tell things to... But I know in my heart we are not right for each other. And honestly, I don't tell him much because he's not interested. We talk about money, crypto, BTC, properties, and work.
I do need more.
I've become boring. And I need to find myself again.
--------
The main question that I'm asking myself is this: if we know that there is no future in which we are together, then is it delusional to proceed with the present?
And I know it's a tough question to think about.
--------
[09/07, 12:33 pm] ~Nadia: I've been doing some thinking.
There is a possibility that I overreacted. I have been looking into the reasons why that might have happened.
[09/07, 12:34 pm] ~Nadia: Long story short, I don't think my indignation was misplaced, but there were other, more civil ways to express my feelings.
[09/07, 12:38 pm] ~Nadia: I find myself not knowing what my rights are, or what my duties are.
[09/07, 12:42 pm] ~Nadia: For example, is it my right to know things as simple as when you have LV, or is it normal to be blindsided by it? Do I have a right to be upset by it, or is that an overreaction?
[09/07, 1:12 pm] ~Nadia: If I'm being completely transparent, I think I'm holding back because I believe we've reached stagnation. I don't bring out the best in you, I don't give you anything that you need.
I waste your time with movies and empty conversations about things that don't mean anything. I take up too much of your time with nothing to show for it.
I'm not important enough for you to want to plan things with me, or go places with me, or go to the places I've asked you to go with me.
I used to see a future with you, I really believed that we'd make it work and we would be happy. That everything that was mine was also yours, that I'd share everything with you, from my hopes, dreams, fears and worries no matter how small, to a home and a family and a future.
----
I said this, this morning after thinking things through as to why I was angered by him mimicking me in what I perceived as mockery.
I thought maybe I had overreacted, from bring hurt at feeling like not only was I unappreciated, but that my almost painful kindness and patience was not only unwanted, but an object of mockery. I went on the defensive, if the good in me is unwanted then I'll give the opposite. If me caring is unwanted then I'll stop caring.
Maybe I overreacted, after all it was only perceived mockery, based on how he has acted before.
And it is true that the tone he used to copy me is the same tone he uses when copying others he is showing derision towards, or if people are demanding or unreasonable in his eyes, that's what he sounds like.
To hear my words said back to me in that tone snapped something in me.
And at the end of it, I came across as being weird, and unstable. I was just, and felt like not only am I now someone to complain about, but that my words weigh heavily on him, when they were never meant to be.
Do I have a right to be unhappy? Do I have a right to not know how to react?
I know it's something very small; it seems ridiculous that something as insubstantial as the tone of voice could cause so much upset, but it's everything that it means. .
------
His answer was a 33 second message, completely ignoring everything, as if I had said nothing, as if nothing had happened.
In it he said he was tired, was going to bed early, and assumes I'm also sleeping. That he might be online from that point onward. The end.
---------
What do I do with that?
Do I also pretend that nothing happened? That I hadn't just foreshadowed our imminent breakup? Do I let it go because he is at home and on leave? Do I wait until he is back and then talk about it?
What should I do??
---------
I'm confused. I thought there would be at least some mention of what I said, after all it is serious. And heavy, and I can't just pretend that I said nothing. I can't do that to myself.
I also can't drag attention to it, because i don't have the energy or the time to discuss it now.
Do what should I do?
Say nothing until he does?
Or let it go?
I can't keep doing this; I can't keep pretending that everything is fine, and ignoring the fact that we are simply not made for each other, and we are clinging onto something unhealthy just because it's familiar.
I can't push a reset button that makes it all go away, and fixes everything.
I honestly saw a future with him, when things were good and I missed him and loved him and felt that he also missed me and loved me and wanted to spend every spare minute with me because that's what you do when you love someone. But he's got me doubting the fundamentals. He's got me asking myself if I should want to be with him when we are both in Dubai on days of? If I should want to live with him? If I should want to go on road trips and make memories?
He's got me asking myself what the point is? What's the point of spending time together? What's the point of being upset if he's not here? It's normal to spend time apart. It's normal to not talk about us and what's happening in our relationship. It's normal to feel afraid of mentioning anything regarding us. I feel uncomfortable talking about anything that touches us.
It's got to the point where I was with him, feeling cooped up and almost imprisoned, wishing I was at home, or having lunch with friends. I just didn't want to be there. And that isn't me. I'm not the kind of person who would rather be with friends than with my boyfriend.
I'm the person who puts my SO first.
---------
So what should I do?
I do still love him, but it's a love that has lost its heat and passion.
He said it's normal for a routine to develop, same as work (yes, he likened a relationship to work, which is something I would never do).
I want to break the routine but I can't do it alone. And honestly, what's the point of there's no future?
I've been facing down the same issues since we started, we go nowhere, experience nothing, we don't have any pictures together, we are boring. I don't bring out his sense of adventure. I don't make him want to be a better person, I can't push him into embracing life or living or experiencing anything amazing. I can't spur him into action.
He needs someone who can light a fire inside him, or under him and make him move. Maybe he needs what I need, someone who knows things, and who can take us places. I can't be that person because I'm still learning. He can't be that person for me because he's done it all. And he can't be bothered to go again.
So, what's the point of prolonging this?
We're not good for each other.
---------
The question still remains: what do I do now?
He is at home, dealing with everything he is usually dealing with, and I can't pretend anymore.
I don't fit into his life at all. Maybe this is the best time to create distance. To simply part ways.
It will be very strange at first, being alone, not having anyone to tell things to... But I know in my heart we are not right for each other. And honestly, I don't tell him much because he's not interested. We talk about money, crypto, BTC, properties, and work.
I do need more.
I've become boring. And I need to find myself again.
--------
The main question that I'm asking myself is this: if we know that there is no future in which we are together, then is it delusional to proceed with the present?
And I know it's a tough question to think about.
--------
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