09/07/2019
I'm obviously having a hard time wrapping my head around things.
Am I being unreasonable?
Possibly.
I think my reaction is not only because I felt like I was being mocked, but because I said everything because I care, and I want to help. Staying in a negative thought pattern is unhealthy, and potentially dangerous.
I felt like not only was my effort unappreciated, it was unwanted and looked upon with disdain, and hostility.
I felt bad because I didn't want to be pushy, and I didn't want to cause any kind of negativity, if anything, I was aiming for the exact opposite.
My decision to flip to the opposite night have been harsh, and unexpected.
But I think that was caused by the fact I've been pushed more, and more, and more towards this.
It's a long, slow build up of emotions and negativity that has weighed heavily on my chest, eventually erupting at the smallest provocation.
The problem is that I don't have any examples. I can't remember individual events that made me feel bad. I remember the big ones though.
I know the reasons why I have been thinking we shouldn't be together any more.
Maybe, it's my way of finding a reason to distance myself, and make it easier when we do break up.
He will be fine without me. More than fine.
And I will have to try to be fine as well.
But for now, I'm thinking about how to handle this situation.
For starters, I didn't even know he had LV until the July rosters came out.
We have still not discussed going on LV together. 6 days till bidding closes.
He doesn't treat me like I need to be treated. There is no warmth or care or intimacy.
I know I'm low on the priority list.
I can't use any of these reasons now. Even though they are valid, and collectively have contributed towards this newest snap.
I have even started to doubt myself, whether I am toxic. If I'm the one who is manipulative or evil... But, I do everything because I care. I put myself last. I don't ask him for anything. Not even time.
He's made me doubt everything, including why we should spend time together, and the meaning of everything. I feel like I'm locked into a relationship that is empty but for the name of it.
-----
This isn't me.
I'm not this hostile person who is looking for reasons not to love someone. Not to give, to withhold emotions and love and try to make them realise how lucky they were when I was myself. This isn't me, it's not right, and it's not healthy.
If he doesn't already realise who I am, and all the good things about me, then me turning away won't help. Only my absolute absence would show him what he's missing, and by then it'll be too late.
I wouldn't go back. Even though I do still love him, I think, May be I'm not in love with him anymore. Its more of the same love as how I feel about puppies. I love them, and want to hold them and cuddle them and protect them.
But is that how a person would want to be loved?
Is that how I should love a man?
We have not discussed anything regarding the future.
I'm obviously having a hard time wrapping my head around things.
Am I being unreasonable?
Possibly.
I think my reaction is not only because I felt like I was being mocked, but because I said everything because I care, and I want to help. Staying in a negative thought pattern is unhealthy, and potentially dangerous.
I felt like not only was my effort unappreciated, it was unwanted and looked upon with disdain, and hostility.
I felt bad because I didn't want to be pushy, and I didn't want to cause any kind of negativity, if anything, I was aiming for the exact opposite.
My decision to flip to the opposite night have been harsh, and unexpected.
But I think that was caused by the fact I've been pushed more, and more, and more towards this.
It's a long, slow build up of emotions and negativity that has weighed heavily on my chest, eventually erupting at the smallest provocation.
The problem is that I don't have any examples. I can't remember individual events that made me feel bad. I remember the big ones though.
I know the reasons why I have been thinking we shouldn't be together any more.
Maybe, it's my way of finding a reason to distance myself, and make it easier when we do break up.
He will be fine without me. More than fine.
And I will have to try to be fine as well.
But for now, I'm thinking about how to handle this situation.
For starters, I didn't even know he had LV until the July rosters came out.
We have still not discussed going on LV together. 6 days till bidding closes.
He doesn't treat me like I need to be treated. There is no warmth or care or intimacy.
I know I'm low on the priority list.
I can't use any of these reasons now. Even though they are valid, and collectively have contributed towards this newest snap.
I have even started to doubt myself, whether I am toxic. If I'm the one who is manipulative or evil... But, I do everything because I care. I put myself last. I don't ask him for anything. Not even time.
He's made me doubt everything, including why we should spend time together, and the meaning of everything. I feel like I'm locked into a relationship that is empty but for the name of it.
-----
This isn't me.
I'm not this hostile person who is looking for reasons not to love someone. Not to give, to withhold emotions and love and try to make them realise how lucky they were when I was myself. This isn't me, it's not right, and it's not healthy.
If he doesn't already realise who I am, and all the good things about me, then me turning away won't help. Only my absolute absence would show him what he's missing, and by then it'll be too late.
I wouldn't go back. Even though I do still love him, I think, May be I'm not in love with him anymore. Its more of the same love as how I feel about puppies. I love them, and want to hold them and cuddle them and protect them.
But is that how a person would want to be loved?
Is that how I should love a man?
We have not discussed anything regarding the future.
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