18/04/2018
I've been writing about my discontent for more than a year.
Contemplating breaking up for the better part of 8 months.
Yet here I am, still here. Still putting up with the same things that made me unhappy.
It's time to end it.
I wanted to talk first, to try and resolve things, and to explore the possibility of a fix. But now all I want is to show that I'm not prepared to keep doing this.
Love is not enough.
I always put him first above what I should have done for myself. It's my fault for being weak, but the rare times when I actually stood up for myself made me feel bad.
I let it happen. I am weak. I let my emotions rule and I wasted all my time giving in to my impulses. I wanted to be wherever he was. A moment spent apart was a moment wasted. I still feel that way.
Only I feel that way though.
I've come to realise that I will always give more and I will always be taken for granted.
I will never be as important to him as he is to me.
We are unequal in our affection and attachment to each other.
I'm only getting hurt more and more and he doesn't realise it.
I know it'll be pinned on me, I can hear him telling me: "so do what you want!"
And I know I'll say "I can't"
My whole system is rigged in his favor. I can't help but put him first while he puts me last ...
It'll never work. I can't change myself. I can't try to care less. I can't try to Love him less. I can't put myself first even when I know I should.
I wasn't overstating when I said that my world revolves around him but now I can see the terrible flaw and all the time I wasted.
I give too much.
I'll always be hurt. Always be the one who gives everything and receives nothing. I'll always be the one who is taken for granted.
___
I tried to talk to you. I tried to show you who I am and how I feel and how things look from my side. Instead of staying and giving me these days ... you left.
It'll always be like this.
I'm exhausted with trying so hard to make it work. I push myself past my pain and my fear. I hold on to every second I spend close to you. I am always left needing more. I'm too physical. Too emotional. I need real intimacy where everything is shared and open and free. We don't have that.
I will always be the outsider. The tag along.
I'll always be left behind and expected to be here when you decide to come back. You have no attachment to me. You are perfectly fine without me.
I've been writing about my discontent for more than a year.
Contemplating breaking up for the better part of 8 months.
Yet here I am, still here. Still putting up with the same things that made me unhappy.
It's time to end it.
I wanted to talk first, to try and resolve things, and to explore the possibility of a fix. But now all I want is to show that I'm not prepared to keep doing this.
Love is not enough.
I always put him first above what I should have done for myself. It's my fault for being weak, but the rare times when I actually stood up for myself made me feel bad.
I let it happen. I am weak. I let my emotions rule and I wasted all my time giving in to my impulses. I wanted to be wherever he was. A moment spent apart was a moment wasted. I still feel that way.
Only I feel that way though.
I've come to realise that I will always give more and I will always be taken for granted.
I will never be as important to him as he is to me.
We are unequal in our affection and attachment to each other.
I'm only getting hurt more and more and he doesn't realise it.
I know it'll be pinned on me, I can hear him telling me: "so do what you want!"
And I know I'll say "I can't"
My whole system is rigged in his favor. I can't help but put him first while he puts me last ...
It'll never work. I can't change myself. I can't try to care less. I can't try to Love him less. I can't put myself first even when I know I should.
I wasn't overstating when I said that my world revolves around him but now I can see the terrible flaw and all the time I wasted.
I give too much.
I'll always be hurt. Always be the one who gives everything and receives nothing. I'll always be the one who is taken for granted.
___
I tried to talk to you. I tried to show you who I am and how I feel and how things look from my side. Instead of staying and giving me these days ... you left.
It'll always be like this.
I'm exhausted with trying so hard to make it work. I push myself past my pain and my fear. I hold on to every second I spend close to you. I am always left needing more. I'm too physical. Too emotional. I need real intimacy where everything is shared and open and free. We don't have that.
I will always be the outsider. The tag along.
I'll always be left behind and expected to be here when you decide to come back. You have no attachment to me. You are perfectly fine without me.
No comments:
Post a Comment