Closer to the Edge

I'm only waiting for things to settle before we sit and talk. I'm not cruel enough to do it now in the middle of everything that is going on.

I know it will blindside you and I need my arguments to be strong. I need to know what I am thinking and to be clear on all my points. I need to be anchored and aware of all the core issues. Not the fluff or the little things that hover around me. I need the main reasons that are making me unhappy. I have told him about it before and nothing has changed.

When I tell you I miss you or need you ... when I show a weakness or a vulnerability it's not a trap. It's me showing something that makes me more open... And I always feel like you want me strong. And that my weaknesses are ugly.
I speak to you in whispers of the depth if my emotions and you brush them away like they mean notbing. What you don't realise is that it's my way of giving you all of me.

I don't feel safe.  I am insecure and I need to know that you want me there with you.

I feel uncomfortable. Like a stranger who is trying to find a space, but there isn't one.

I want to be with you. I miss you and need you, but once I'm there I feel like I shouldn't be. I can give you nothing that you want or need. I take up space and feel like an object that is getting in your way.

You don't notice my discomfort. You don't notice how I try to smile and take up as small a space as possible. You don't notice how I try my best to be useful. But all that ends up doing is drawing your anger to me. And when I say nothing ... that also attracts your judgement and 'jokes'.

I have become a shadow of myself. It's been so long since I have felt attractive or noticed ... I really don't think you need me in any way. I try to be happy but I am finding it harder and harder.

I don't know what to do.

I don't want to leave you. I'm getting to the point where I'm afraid I'll have to.

The only time I feel a small shred of hope is when we are in bed and you come close and hold me and I snuggle closer. That's the only time I feel like maybe, just maybe we'll be ok. And I kiss you softly with all my passion burning behind them... little signs of my immense love for you... And I think that's what made me upset the other night... when something I give that is my way of keeping you close became something to ridicule and mock. I miss the intimacy and that's the last remaining thing I have that makes me feel a little bit better. You took that away from me the other night. You changed it into something shallow and meaningless. It made me angry. And you ignored it.

I'm not easy. I know that. I'm difficult. I'm weak. I'm afraid. I need constant reassuring that I have a place with you. That you want me with you. That you're happy when I'm with you.

I don't want to be a burden.

When I withdraw and shut down as a result of my insecurity, pain, or fear I need you to take a step closer. I need to feel supported and not alone. When I'm at my lowest it's when I need you most. I have to give 110% in order for you to give me less than 50 in return. When I withdraw I get less than 5.

I need more. I need you to be there for me. I need you to show a bit of affection. A bit of love. A shred of intimacy.

When I withdraw it's because I feel like I'm giving too much. Too much attention, too much information. Too much emotion. Too much of me which leaves me cold when I receive nothing in return. So I withdraw. I hold myself together through my weakness. I do what I need you to do because you won't help me.

I just need to feel missed. Wanted. Needed. Attractive.

You withdraw further. You leave me alone when I need you most. You don't understand me.