... And Now Silence

I held my words in yesterday. I said almost nothing and nothing was said to me in return.

I was feeling unhappy, depressed, and I knew I wouldn't be able to hide it so I said nothing. I hid. I kept to myself. I knew it would have been unfair to burden you with my emotions.

Instead of seeking me out you also withdrew from me. You left me.

Now I have had to be the one who tries to shake off her silence and fear and feelings of being ignored and uncared for in order to seek you out where you hide and bring you back to me.

You say nothing still. Not a word. And I am left once again feeling stupid for trying. Ashamed for pushing myself to reach out and try to find you when maybe this time you don't want to be found.

I can only guess ... The ifs and maybes and perhapses of the reasons behind your silence.

It hurts me. And I don't think you care.

______

So if you blame me for being silent at least I can say that I was in a bad place yesterday ... I was trying to control myself and in the end I went numb and quiet. You won't understand it though.

To make it clearer... I was sad and depressed. I didn't want to say anything because it wouldn't be fair. I couldn't pretend to be ok. I kept quiet and hoped to be better ... And hoped you would contact me. Hoped that a small part of you missed me.

I know you don't... I know you stopped being in love with me a long time ago. I still cling to the hope that maybe you will have more time after the move. And maybe then we will be able to make it work.

I feel like I'm in this alone, trying to hold our whole relationship together. It is exhausting. I don't feel like I'm half of our whole. You already have everything outside of what I can give you. I'll never be a priority. I'll never be important enough for you. You won't want to go places with me. I've already asked and received my answer.

I don't want to take you away from what's important in your life... but I'm wondering if there is a space for me. It's not fun. It's heavy and I am always that person tagging along. There was a hard truth in what you said, along the lines of you met me two years ago and haven't been able to get rid of me since... thing is... It's very easy to get rid of me.

I'm always ready to leave.

This time I'm not afraid of you breaking up with me because I might have to do it.

_____

Just the fact that I feel I don't have a right to talk to you whenever i need to is a red flag. We should be open for each other whenever possible. I am here for you to talk to.

I keep having to remind myself that I'm your girlfriend. I'm not just a random girl who sleeps with you when you want to. I'm not an ornament that sits on the edge of your bed while you text and get angry.

I have once again become the girl who is ignored...

_________

I miss you and I don't think you miss me at all.

I don't want it to end, but maybe it already has?

________

The more time that goes by,  the more unsteady I get.

I'm afraid of what's coming.

I will always be an outsider. A person who knows nothing and understands nothing.

I only know what I've guessed. And my guesses aren't confirmed.

You will always have a family. That is where your heart is. That's where you want to be.

I'm not home to you; you don't feel the need to be where I am. I'm simply a by product of work.

To me, I want to be where you are. Coming back to Dubai from leave is only bearable because you're there.

I don't feel at all special to you in any way.

You physically shut me out. Closing doors between us. Hiding from me. I always put you first... I know you will never put me first. I know that I can't ask you to. I know that I deserve it though.

I love you. But it is hurting me.