You Have Forgotten Me

This week has been an experiment.

I have stepped away, given you space without me, and the outcome has shown me that I have not been wrong in all my conclusions which I have been drawing up for almost a year.

What you don't know is that I have barely slept, my stomach has been in knots and I can't eat. The pain is almost unbearable. I don't think you'd care though. You'd say it's not your problem. Nothing to do with you.

This week could have brought us closer, or it could have forced an irreparable wedge between us that would ultimately break us apart.

You saw how broken I was the last time I saw you. You saw my pain and the way i could barely stand straight. You saw me at my weakest trying to be strong.

I couldn't tell you that you had slowly chipped away at me until I broke. All the little things that you did to hurt me dug in and stayed.

I couldnt tell you that it is you who broke me down like that. You were leaving me behind. You were going to them. I couldn't put that burden on you at that moment.  But it wasnt a coincidence that i broke on the day you told me.

It wasn't a coincidence that something unrelated to me was the thing that tipped me over. In my complete loneliness the smallest thing would have destroyed me.

You can't see my selflessness. You can't see my love and my generosity. You can't see my complete devotion to you. You can't see my kindness and the way i would sacrifice my happiness for yours. You don't see what I am giving you.

You only choose to look at it negatively. You don't care if it hurts me more.

And now, you could have asked me if I am ok. You could have told me that you miss me and wish you could be with me. You could have kept me emotionally close and proved to me that you really do love me. It wouldn't have been difficult. It would have taken one text. "I miss you. I love you. Wait for me."
You could have gone one step further and called me to check up on me and make sure I was ok. I hoped you would. You always found time to call them when I was with you, shutting the door, keeping me out... calling 'home'. I should have known I would never be home to you. You would leave the country and leave me there. A memory to be forgotten.

All I wanted was to be the one you felt safest with, the person you could be yourself with. The arms you could throw yourself into at the end of a long day or whenever you needed the warmth and support I was here to give you. I wanted to be your home. I hoped for the same from you, and you didn't need any of that.

Instead there has been silence. I am shocked and saddened by this. But it has shown me that I am nothing to you.

All you decided to tell me about  was stains on the wall another woman had left. A place that I was hoping would eventually feel like home to me. A place where we could find happiness. Instead now it is a place for me to avoid.

I am not cruel. I am a kind, loving, giving person. You have taken full advantage of it. You don't care when you make me cry. You don't care when my heart is broken, and it is you who broke it. I am always too thoughtful in my refusal to tell you that you hurt me so much because I don't think you'd care. You'd tell me to get over it. You'd tell me I have no reason to cry. You have broken me. I have loved you anyway. I held myself together and cried when you couldn't see my tears.

You have a family and I am "the other woman" who keeps you company and gives you herself whenever you want it. I'm the woman who worships you and who you ignore. I'm your Dubai girlfriend who you use when you need her. And discard when you don't.

I knew it from the moment you told me "you have no idea how much I don't want to get on that aircraft"  when you were at the airport coming back to dubai.
I was there waiting for you. You had me. I wasn't enough. In the balance between me and them, they'd always win. I understand it. I don't resent it. But I don't think it fair for you to expect me to be ok with it.

What you don't understand is that you can't keep doing this to me.

I know I will never be your priority. Between me and them you'll always choose them. You have no time for me.

You don't need me. You don't miss me. You don't love me.

I can't tear you away from them. Maybe another woman would try to, but not me. I would rather you were kept whole and happy with them, than torn and miserable with me. And it does tear you up. And it hurts me.

It hurts me for you. It hurts me for myself.

You think I don't see it. You think I'm blind. But I see things through instinct and intuition. I feel all the times you shut me out and left me waiting for you on the outside.

I deserve more from love. I deserve more from a relationship. I deserve more from someone I am giving my life to.

You are not able to give me what I need. The physical and emotional support. You don't know how to make me feel safe and loved and wanted. You don't know how to be intimate with me. You have sealed yourself away and no amount of waiting on my part will change it.

My words could flow endlessly. My soul is deep and my heart is broken.

Nothing I write could be complete. There are thousands of little thoughts I could dig up, and write for weeks on end. But what would be the point?

You will either forget or ignore my pain. You will ignore any attempts I make that will try to show you what I can see, the weaknesses in our relationship.
I honestly don't think you care.

So, for once, I have to put myself first. I have to leave you.

I have loved you more than any woman has loved a man. You just don't have the space in you to receive it.