My darling,
164 hours have passed since I last saw you. You reversed and drove away, leaving me behind with a broken heart and a pain so deep that it broke me.
You don't know what you mean to me.
Love is not a word, my dearest. Love is a universe that has me in its grasp. I live it. I breathe it. I am swallowed up in it. Love is a tangled web of emotions. It's pride, it's beauty, it's longing, desire, lust, need, pain, madness and a profound sense of being half of a magnificent whole.
To you I am only a person. A name, a number. I have not transcended into the universe that is you. I am firmly outside. Kept at bay. Kept on the doorstep, never let close to your heart. You have sealed yourself off from me, and I'll never be allowed in. That space has already been filled.
Your choice of how to handle me has shown me everything I suspected. Hours passed and I saw my unworthiness of a second of your time. I saw myself become a background thought in your mind that was left there until you found time for it. I saw the lack of emotion or empathy that I've always known was there but never fully witnessed until now.
You don't realise that you broke me. You don't realise that you have the power to fix me with a single word.
Tell me your pain. Tell me you are overwhelmed, that you are having trouble coping, that you need me to be there, to support you, to lend you my strength and my shoulders to hold you up. Do you think I wouldn't understand? Do you think I would abandon you as you have abandoned me?
Do you think I would have demanded as much attention as you are expending on your family? Don't you know me by now? Haven't you seen the lengths I would go to just to try to get under that armour and hold you until you are stronger?
However, I've seen your inability to keep me close. You don't know how to show me that you care. Maybe you do. Maybe you do love me as you say you do, but your actions only point to not being able to have both halves of your life at the same time. I will always come last.
I am looking at it from your side. I can try to put myself in your shoes. I can try to imagine the huge toll this is taking on you emotionally, physically, mentally, financially ... I can try to imagine how it is impacting you... But it's difficult to see where I fit in. I don't think I do. I think you are so completely absorbed in your world that I am simply someone who you can't talk to or deal with while you are going through this. I'm not your other half. I'm someone to have around when it is a little less busy.
I come with heavy emotions and fiery passion. I come with the kind of love that poets write about and movies have failed to capture. I bring the insanity of pure, undiluted love that burns what it touches. If you take it and feel it and let it echo in you and ignite your own then you'll know what it is to truly be in love. If you let it through your walls and pull at your heartstrings then you'll understand it's madness. You'll know why I break down and cry when you pull away. You'll understand my devastation when you draw out of my world and leave it to implode back into me with a force that crushes me. Your absence leaves me hollow.
I have tried to dilute it, to go cold, to love you less in order to match the strength of yours... it only made me feel wretched. I felt like I wasn't giving my all ... But when I did give my all, when I let it burn and build and explode within me... it was met by indifference. You can't see it or feel it. You don't feel it burn me up and the way i melt against you... the sighs that escape me and the way i need every single cell of your body to melt into me.
I tell you fragments when it becomes an unbearable burden to hold it inside. I tell you I love you with undying strength and passion. I tell you how it hurts when it is unreciprocated.
All I want is to know how you feel. If you miss me, tell me otherwise it feels as though you don't. If you love me, say the words, don't withhold them and hurt me with the weight of their absence. Look into my eyes and show me that you see me. The whole beautiful, wild, passionate mess that I am.
But you call my feelings a headache and see my words as complaints. You look at my love negatively and without emotion. It means nothing.
Words are my life, but emotions are what feed me. I sense them.
I know you can't understand me. I'm a vague mess that you can't touch. Intimacy comes occasionally in the dark when you reach out to me and make me feel needed. There is no longer desire in the act, nor love nor passion. It has become a ritual that is not fully enjoyed. Don't be afraid to immerse yourself in me. Don't hold back... let yourself loose, find the wild beast within you and unleash the demon in me and feel what can happen when we both burn... Let our bodies embody true passion... not a diluted action that brings momentary gratification but leaves you empty afterwards.
I can tell that words do not come easy to you. You can't tell me what is locked within you. Perhaps you don't want to. Perhaps you are not able to. Perhaps I'm not the one who is destined to unlock you.
My darling, I am a whole person who has not chosen to love you but who fell in love with you. It was not a conscious choice but a slow process that took months to fully manifest. It has never wavered nor faded because it is real. It is not a fad or something that will fade. It gets stronger with time.
I never meant to overwhelm you or make you feel trapped. I never meant to make you feel suffocated or unable to escape me or the depth of my emotions. I am unable to give less than my whole self. I warned you at the beginning. I warned you that I was afraid of loving you too much. I told you I was afraid my love would suffocate you. I think I was right.
I know there have been times when I was overwhelmed. I couldnt find the words I needed. I couldnt articulate my feelings. I know there were times I failed to show everything that was in me.
I tried to find a small silent space alone for a few minutes to think and find the words inside me. Simple words. I know it is hard sometimes.
But is it possible to express this confusion and inability to think or process? Is it possible to reach out and say the words that are hovering on the tip of your tongue?
Is it hard to say "I love you" if the emotion is felt? Is it hard to say "I miss you" if I have left a space in my absence? Is it hard to open your heart a little and spill your emotions into me? Don't you know your heart would be safe in my hands? Don't you know you have a home in my arms?
... But all I have witnessed is that I have no space in you. I am a burden instead of a partner. I am a headache instead of a woman who loves you to the point of madness. I am a leech for your attention, not a soul who wants to drink your kisses and feed off your emotions. I am a pain to handle, not a heart that beats for you in steady rhythms that have become heavy and distorted in your absence.
You might see my love as a burden instead of a light breeze that caresses you and engulfs you and warms you. You might want less. But I can't give you less than my whole.
It hurts me deeply when I feel like I'm on the outside. Never fully inside you. I need a deeper connection. I worry that it is not possible.
You and I are fire and ice. I can't melt you. You can't freeze me.
I also suspect that poetry can't reach you. You'll look at that last sentence and draw a blank. It doesn't make me love you less. It makes me want to find words that you could better understand.
I was hurt when I realised that you are capable of planning outings and trips and activities. You want to explore the city and experience everything with your daughter who hasn't been here before. You want to share the wonder and watch her smile and be at awe with what is here to enjoy. You expend your energy in finding as much to do in as shirt a time as possible... I have never been worthy of that. I have never inspired that in you. I have tried to find things for us to do and it is always met with a listless sense of obligation. It makes me feel bad when I realise that what I've been asking to explore with you is too much...
I want to be with someone who wants to see me come alive. Who wants to see me with open eyes taking in something new. I want to be with someone who wants to explore and experience the world with me. I don't think that could be us.
You tell me you take thousands of pictures, so many that you put your phone on flight mode... yet with me your phone is used to find news while I watch you, hoping you'll look at me and see the woman I am. Hoping you'll soften and be able to love me. Hoping you'd want to do something with me that is worth capturing and cherishing... there is not a single picture of us together. Not one. You simply aren't interested in making us something you want to remember.
I will never be the woman you see yourself with. Your actions all point in that direction. From your reaction when I'm broken, to the way I'm not worthy of your time or words. From the way you tolerate my existence to the way I'm unworthy of plans. You give everything you have ... just never to me. In the 22 months I have been with you, I have watched myself become nothing in your eyes.
You don't look for me anymore. When you pick me up you are on your phone. You never seem happy to see me. The long lingering kisses have faded to a peck on the lips that leaves me hungry for more. I remember how you used to wait for me. Eyes searching for the moment I appear. Devouring me no matter what I look like. You don't see the progression. You don't see how you have become bored and unimpressed.
You don't see how my eyes still linger over you. The way I study your stance, the shape of your lips, the colour of your eyes. You don't see the way I smile or the way I search for you... when I tell you how I see you and the way you are still perfection in my eyes ... You refuse to believe me or you make me feel that my compliments are unwelcome.
You are impatient with my flaws, you are intolerant of my shortfalls, you make me feel stupid, unworthy, petty, immature ... when I know I am none of those things. I am deep, I am beautiful. I am more than you are willing to see. You make me nervous, you make me shake uncontrollably for reasons I have yet to understand. You make me afraid of being with you because I know I will come away with the same hunger I came to you with. And I know you will leave me on my doorstep with the same coldness I have come to expect.
No longer are there words of love and comfort. No "I miss you already"s or "stay with me..." no longer are there words of desire "I can't wait to be inside you ..." And if I say them you ignore them... they mean nothing to you. They are my deepest desires and a lowering of my defences.
I hoped we could rebuild our love, rediscover our wonder for each other, I hoped with time you would once again fall in love with me. But we are growing apart more and more with each hour that passes...
Love is more than words, my beloved. Love is a way of life. I ache with desire because it's simply an outlet for love. Simply thinking of you makes my heart race. You don't realise how much I love you. It isn't a burden, it's a gift.
I realise now that we are running out of time. You are pulling away. I'm holding on tighter. Our compatability is fading. My love isn't enough to keep our relationship running. You can't see it yet, but I think you feel it.
Your reaction when I talked to you, telling me I was one more person pulling at you, one more source of pressure told me that you underestimate me. I was frustrated. I was left behind. I was never a priority. I never will be. It's not something one can ask for.
When you asked me what I wanted to hear and I said an apology. After all, didn't you leave me? Didn't you make me feel forgotten? Didn't you say that you didn't even have 30 seconds for me? I am not a random person who is an acquaintance. I am supposed to be the most important person in your life. I know i am not. And I know you don't think I should be.
I can't do this anymore. You won't change, I don't expect you to. We have grown apart. I am not what you need anymore. You don't appreciate me. While my love gets stronger yours disappears in equal measure. You know I can't leave so you give less...
But now... I have to leave.
I want to be someone's priority. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Who can love me for all my flaws and faults and occasional madness. I need someone who wants to explore the world with me. Who will give me as much as I give them. Someone who can match my hunger for life. Someone who wants to memorize every moment we spend together because they know that time is precious and we are all here but for a limited time. Life is a flash. I want to be someone's everything just as I have made you mine.
I can't imagine not loving you. I can't imagine a life where you are not mine. But I know I need more, and I know you can't give it to me.
164 hours have passed since I last saw you. You reversed and drove away, leaving me behind with a broken heart and a pain so deep that it broke me.
You don't know what you mean to me.
Love is not a word, my dearest. Love is a universe that has me in its grasp. I live it. I breathe it. I am swallowed up in it. Love is a tangled web of emotions. It's pride, it's beauty, it's longing, desire, lust, need, pain, madness and a profound sense of being half of a magnificent whole.
To you I am only a person. A name, a number. I have not transcended into the universe that is you. I am firmly outside. Kept at bay. Kept on the doorstep, never let close to your heart. You have sealed yourself off from me, and I'll never be allowed in. That space has already been filled.
Your choice of how to handle me has shown me everything I suspected. Hours passed and I saw my unworthiness of a second of your time. I saw myself become a background thought in your mind that was left there until you found time for it. I saw the lack of emotion or empathy that I've always known was there but never fully witnessed until now.
You don't realise that you broke me. You don't realise that you have the power to fix me with a single word.
Tell me your pain. Tell me you are overwhelmed, that you are having trouble coping, that you need me to be there, to support you, to lend you my strength and my shoulders to hold you up. Do you think I wouldn't understand? Do you think I would abandon you as you have abandoned me?
Do you think I would have demanded as much attention as you are expending on your family? Don't you know me by now? Haven't you seen the lengths I would go to just to try to get under that armour and hold you until you are stronger?
However, I've seen your inability to keep me close. You don't know how to show me that you care. Maybe you do. Maybe you do love me as you say you do, but your actions only point to not being able to have both halves of your life at the same time. I will always come last.
I am looking at it from your side. I can try to put myself in your shoes. I can try to imagine the huge toll this is taking on you emotionally, physically, mentally, financially ... I can try to imagine how it is impacting you... But it's difficult to see where I fit in. I don't think I do. I think you are so completely absorbed in your world that I am simply someone who you can't talk to or deal with while you are going through this. I'm not your other half. I'm someone to have around when it is a little less busy.
I come with heavy emotions and fiery passion. I come with the kind of love that poets write about and movies have failed to capture. I bring the insanity of pure, undiluted love that burns what it touches. If you take it and feel it and let it echo in you and ignite your own then you'll know what it is to truly be in love. If you let it through your walls and pull at your heartstrings then you'll understand it's madness. You'll know why I break down and cry when you pull away. You'll understand my devastation when you draw out of my world and leave it to implode back into me with a force that crushes me. Your absence leaves me hollow.
I have tried to dilute it, to go cold, to love you less in order to match the strength of yours... it only made me feel wretched. I felt like I wasn't giving my all ... But when I did give my all, when I let it burn and build and explode within me... it was met by indifference. You can't see it or feel it. You don't feel it burn me up and the way i melt against you... the sighs that escape me and the way i need every single cell of your body to melt into me.
I tell you fragments when it becomes an unbearable burden to hold it inside. I tell you I love you with undying strength and passion. I tell you how it hurts when it is unreciprocated.
All I want is to know how you feel. If you miss me, tell me otherwise it feels as though you don't. If you love me, say the words, don't withhold them and hurt me with the weight of their absence. Look into my eyes and show me that you see me. The whole beautiful, wild, passionate mess that I am.
But you call my feelings a headache and see my words as complaints. You look at my love negatively and without emotion. It means nothing.
Words are my life, but emotions are what feed me. I sense them.
I know you can't understand me. I'm a vague mess that you can't touch. Intimacy comes occasionally in the dark when you reach out to me and make me feel needed. There is no longer desire in the act, nor love nor passion. It has become a ritual that is not fully enjoyed. Don't be afraid to immerse yourself in me. Don't hold back... let yourself loose, find the wild beast within you and unleash the demon in me and feel what can happen when we both burn... Let our bodies embody true passion... not a diluted action that brings momentary gratification but leaves you empty afterwards.
I can tell that words do not come easy to you. You can't tell me what is locked within you. Perhaps you don't want to. Perhaps you are not able to. Perhaps I'm not the one who is destined to unlock you.
My darling, I am a whole person who has not chosen to love you but who fell in love with you. It was not a conscious choice but a slow process that took months to fully manifest. It has never wavered nor faded because it is real. It is not a fad or something that will fade. It gets stronger with time.
I never meant to overwhelm you or make you feel trapped. I never meant to make you feel suffocated or unable to escape me or the depth of my emotions. I am unable to give less than my whole self. I warned you at the beginning. I warned you that I was afraid of loving you too much. I told you I was afraid my love would suffocate you. I think I was right.
I know there have been times when I was overwhelmed. I couldnt find the words I needed. I couldnt articulate my feelings. I know there were times I failed to show everything that was in me.
I tried to find a small silent space alone for a few minutes to think and find the words inside me. Simple words. I know it is hard sometimes.
But is it possible to express this confusion and inability to think or process? Is it possible to reach out and say the words that are hovering on the tip of your tongue?
Is it hard to say "I love you" if the emotion is felt? Is it hard to say "I miss you" if I have left a space in my absence? Is it hard to open your heart a little and spill your emotions into me? Don't you know your heart would be safe in my hands? Don't you know you have a home in my arms?
... But all I have witnessed is that I have no space in you. I am a burden instead of a partner. I am a headache instead of a woman who loves you to the point of madness. I am a leech for your attention, not a soul who wants to drink your kisses and feed off your emotions. I am a pain to handle, not a heart that beats for you in steady rhythms that have become heavy and distorted in your absence.
You might see my love as a burden instead of a light breeze that caresses you and engulfs you and warms you. You might want less. But I can't give you less than my whole.
It hurts me deeply when I feel like I'm on the outside. Never fully inside you. I need a deeper connection. I worry that it is not possible.
You and I are fire and ice. I can't melt you. You can't freeze me.
I also suspect that poetry can't reach you. You'll look at that last sentence and draw a blank. It doesn't make me love you less. It makes me want to find words that you could better understand.
I was hurt when I realised that you are capable of planning outings and trips and activities. You want to explore the city and experience everything with your daughter who hasn't been here before. You want to share the wonder and watch her smile and be at awe with what is here to enjoy. You expend your energy in finding as much to do in as shirt a time as possible... I have never been worthy of that. I have never inspired that in you. I have tried to find things for us to do and it is always met with a listless sense of obligation. It makes me feel bad when I realise that what I've been asking to explore with you is too much...
I want to be with someone who wants to see me come alive. Who wants to see me with open eyes taking in something new. I want to be with someone who wants to explore and experience the world with me. I don't think that could be us.
You tell me you take thousands of pictures, so many that you put your phone on flight mode... yet with me your phone is used to find news while I watch you, hoping you'll look at me and see the woman I am. Hoping you'll soften and be able to love me. Hoping you'd want to do something with me that is worth capturing and cherishing... there is not a single picture of us together. Not one. You simply aren't interested in making us something you want to remember.
I will never be the woman you see yourself with. Your actions all point in that direction. From your reaction when I'm broken, to the way I'm not worthy of your time or words. From the way you tolerate my existence to the way I'm unworthy of plans. You give everything you have ... just never to me. In the 22 months I have been with you, I have watched myself become nothing in your eyes.
You don't look for me anymore. When you pick me up you are on your phone. You never seem happy to see me. The long lingering kisses have faded to a peck on the lips that leaves me hungry for more. I remember how you used to wait for me. Eyes searching for the moment I appear. Devouring me no matter what I look like. You don't see the progression. You don't see how you have become bored and unimpressed.
You don't see how my eyes still linger over you. The way I study your stance, the shape of your lips, the colour of your eyes. You don't see the way I smile or the way I search for you... when I tell you how I see you and the way you are still perfection in my eyes ... You refuse to believe me or you make me feel that my compliments are unwelcome.
You are impatient with my flaws, you are intolerant of my shortfalls, you make me feel stupid, unworthy, petty, immature ... when I know I am none of those things. I am deep, I am beautiful. I am more than you are willing to see. You make me nervous, you make me shake uncontrollably for reasons I have yet to understand. You make me afraid of being with you because I know I will come away with the same hunger I came to you with. And I know you will leave me on my doorstep with the same coldness I have come to expect.
No longer are there words of love and comfort. No "I miss you already"s or "stay with me..." no longer are there words of desire "I can't wait to be inside you ..." And if I say them you ignore them... they mean nothing to you. They are my deepest desires and a lowering of my defences.
I hoped we could rebuild our love, rediscover our wonder for each other, I hoped with time you would once again fall in love with me. But we are growing apart more and more with each hour that passes...
Love is more than words, my beloved. Love is a way of life. I ache with desire because it's simply an outlet for love. Simply thinking of you makes my heart race. You don't realise how much I love you. It isn't a burden, it's a gift.
I realise now that we are running out of time. You are pulling away. I'm holding on tighter. Our compatability is fading. My love isn't enough to keep our relationship running. You can't see it yet, but I think you feel it.
Your reaction when I talked to you, telling me I was one more person pulling at you, one more source of pressure told me that you underestimate me. I was frustrated. I was left behind. I was never a priority. I never will be. It's not something one can ask for.
When you asked me what I wanted to hear and I said an apology. After all, didn't you leave me? Didn't you make me feel forgotten? Didn't you say that you didn't even have 30 seconds for me? I am not a random person who is an acquaintance. I am supposed to be the most important person in your life. I know i am not. And I know you don't think I should be.
I can't do this anymore. You won't change, I don't expect you to. We have grown apart. I am not what you need anymore. You don't appreciate me. While my love gets stronger yours disappears in equal measure. You know I can't leave so you give less...
But now... I have to leave.
I want to be someone's priority. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Who can love me for all my flaws and faults and occasional madness. I need someone who wants to explore the world with me. Who will give me as much as I give them. Someone who can match my hunger for life. Someone who wants to memorize every moment we spend together because they know that time is precious and we are all here but for a limited time. Life is a flash. I want to be someone's everything just as I have made you mine.
I can't imagine not loving you. I can't imagine a life where you are not mine. But I know I need more, and I know you can't give it to me.
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