Space, Time, and Pride

I'm torn.

Part of me wants nothing but to be with you. I will hang up my pride at the door and kneel before you. I would do anything for you. I would let my world fall to pieces if it meant staying in yours for a brief while.

I miss you with the whole weight of my soul. The thought of being close to you makes me tremble and I can hardly wait to feel your arms around me while I hold onto you and pull you as close to me as I can.

The other part of me is stubborn. I would let the world burn if it meant keeping my pride intact. I would rather murder my own heart than think I was taken for granted.

You don't know what you mean to me, or the lengths I would go to keep you close.

You don't know how it hurts to think that I'm not important enough to warrant your attention.

You say you love me, yet you never say it unless I say it first. You say you miss me but only after I've said it.
It's never said voluntarily. It's never said because you feel it.

I want to drag the words from inside you. I want to know how you feel and what you think. I want to be a part of you just as you are a part of me. But it's not going to happen. The honeymoon phase is over and now it's routine. This is how it will always be.

I've become expected to be the one who makes an effort. I'm the one who is always there. I'm the one who gets up in the middle of the night to be there for you. I'm the one who makes her way to you after I come back from work.

I am the one who put myself in this situation by trying to be accommodating. I tried to make things easy. I tried not to be demanding. I didn't want to be the one who made you wake up in the middle of the night to meet me. I didn't want to be the one who disturbed you or disrupted your time.

I put greater value on you than on myself. Your time is more valuable than mine; your space is more important than mine.

By doing so I made myself too easy. I left my pride at the door and did whatever I could to cause the least possible disruption. I ended up making myself so small that the idea of asking for anything is abhorrent.

I've become so used to putting myself last that changing the dynamic scares me because what if I start being stronger and more assertive? What if I stop being so soft and accommodating? What if I stop making things so easy?

Will you bridge the gap that will be caused when I start to pull back? Will you step up and realise that I had been beyond what anyone had any right to expect?

Will you love me more if I make things harder? Would you make more time for me? Would you carve out a space for me if you felt me pull away? Would I be more desirable if I wasn't so giving?

I don't know how to play games. I don't know what the rules are or what I should do to make you notice me.

I only know that I feel small and foolish when I'm there in the middle of the night and you barely look at me. I follow you though.. . Because what other option do I have?

I am there and I feel like an intruder. I feel like I'm not supposed to be there... But what else should I do?

Should I hurt myself and stay home and wait for you to miss me? What if you don't miss me? What if you think I don't miss you?

I will be hurt in all scenarios.

I'll either hurt myself because I could be with you but I'm not (And I know you won't come for me).

Or I could be there and you would take it for granted, and leave me to slowly follow you, pride broken, head bowed, feeling like a worthless tag-along.

I love you too much. I can't help myself.  And I don't think I will ever stop hurting over this.