"It's Up To You"

(9:31 am)

And I made a choice.

I'm staying away. If he wants me then he can come and get me :)

I have many reasons ... the first one is that leaving it up to me is a cop out. I made it clear what I wanted. Telling me to do whatever I want is telling me that it doesn't matter one way or another.

Being busy means I'll be in the way. So I should also stay away.

It's simple.  I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't prepared to be there. You have things to do and so do I.

___

(4:08 pm)

I underestimated how much it would hurt, and overestimated how much he'd miss me ...

It's suffocating me.

I almost wish he'd kill me swiftly in one cruel blow than this prolonged slow painful death.

To leave me instead of making me drag my pride through the mud trailing my heart behind me like a broken toy.

It hurts. I wish he'd just say the words... tell me I'm not wanted. Tell me bluntly to stay away. Be cruel. Be ruthless. Be straight with me. Don't mince words. You either want me or you don't. You either love me or you don't. You either miss me or you don't. And if we're at the stage that you prefer your own company over mine then we're done here.

It's that simple. And I am strong enough to do it.

I can't do this any more. Crying all the time..   feeling so stupid and naiive and pathetic. Knowing he doesn't care that he hurts me so deeply every single day.

He's just laugh and say that he wishes he had my problems and how happy he'd be... And my heart is breaking in pieces. I wonder how happy he'd be with that

I can't keep doing this.