You hurt me.
And now I slowly try to heal, picking up my broken pieces, my shattered soul, my crushed heart.
It's only a casualty of my insane depth of feelings. I let my feelings overwhelm me, crash through me, and the result was abandonment, rejection, being pushed away and ignored.
I tell you you're everything to me.
I tell you that I need you.
I tell you everything I feel, the depth of it all.
I suffocate under it.
It kills me slowly.
... And you don't see it. You ignore it. You don't care.
I tell you that I love you. I tell you that I miss you. I tell you that I need you. I need you. I need you. I am all but begging for you to notice, to feel me, to simply show me that you also love me, miss me, and need me. Show me that there's some small space that is empty without me. Show me that I give you something that you need, something that you can't get anywhere else. Show me that I make a difference. Show me that I am not just some girl who plays no part in your life. Show me that I have a place in your heart. Show me that I'm important to you. Show me that you care. Show me that you really do need me, not only physically but in every other capacity.
You are a part of me. You're my heart. Everything I do happens with you in my mind. Everything I feel is related to you.
You don't just hurt me, you show me that there is little empathy when it comes to me. You see me as unworthy of your time, thoughts and feelings.
Perhaps you think I was being dramatic when I was only opening up myself to everything I feel, which is normal. When a person feels the way I feel it's only normal to be overwhelmed by it. To feel it so completely that it overrides all other senses. My whole body vibrates with its intensity. It's more than love. It's more than the words "I miss you". I give every part of me. You have more in me than you can imagine. And you don't want or need it. That's the truth.
You simply don't understand me. You don't see me.
You only need some of my love, not all of it. You only need some of my time, not all of it. You only want the parts of me that are strong, you can't handle my weakness. And that is why when I am at my weakest you reject me. You look past my pain. You look away from my tears. You ignore me when I'm broken. You only want me when I'm whole and smiling and "normal".
The open, raw, gush of pure unhindered emotion is what you don't want.
I'm not sure I can take being kicked when I'm down. I need to feel supported when I'm weak. I need to be loved completely. Through my pain. Through my breaks. Through my slow failings of reason. I need compassion, patience, understanding, empathy...
I need a man who isn't afraid of me when I'm weak. Who is strong enough to hold me when I'm breaking, who wants to be there for me when I'm in the most need of kindness. All I wanted was love. All I needed was to be held together until I could breathe. All I needed was you. And you couldn't give me that.
We are in this thing together. I give you everything that I need in return. There's nothing I ask for that I'm not prepared to give. In fact there is a lot I give that I would never ask for.
Do you think I would abandon you if you were broken? Do you think I'd ignore your feelings and focus on myself? Do you think I would make you feel alone when you needed me the most?
You have hurt me in ways you can't understand. I suspect you don't even know you've hurt me.
I'm only a woman.
I'm half of our whole. But you make me feel like I have no place in your world. I'm broken. I came to you with my pieces in my hands, crying because I was in pain, shivering with cold, fragile, alone, and you weren't there.
In the aftermath, when the storm passed and I tried to fix myself, I came to you ... And you were cold. You didn't care. You didn't even acknowledge my words... My small feeble attempts to get close to you. I needed your warmth. I needed your love. I needed you because you're my boyfriend. Not some random person I unloaded my feelings on to. You're the reason i feel the way I feel. You're at the centre of it all. You're the cause of my feelings, you're the one who I love to the point of insanity. You're the one I miss to the point where I can't breathe without you. You're the one who I think about, care about, and love with such crushing force that it breaks me. You're mine. I'm yours. But you only want me when I'm not in need of you.
And now I can't bring myself to tell you I love you, even though it's all I feel. Even though the feelings are still there and I can't help myself... I can't say them because you'll flippantly say that you love me more and that in itself hurts because how is it even possible?
Because that would mean that in your eyes the love you give to me is more than what I give to you... And i feel that nothing could be further from the truth. I wish it were not true. I wish I could feel that we give to each other equally, but we don't.
You couldn't possibly love me more.
So I keep my words to myself. I keep what I feel inside. And you wonder why I feel the need to hide. This is why. This is the reason why I can't share myself fully with you. Not because I don't try. But because you can't understand or see it. Imagine if I gave you all of my love, in its pure undiluted form... you'd leave me.
I'm your girlfriend, I haven't identified myself as that before. I haven't been wanted in that way before. You claimed me as yours. You wanted me. And I didn't fight it, I let myself fall in love with you in every sense and meaning of the word. Maybe if you'd known what being loved by me would be like, you wouldn't have chosen me.
I love you. And it hurts.
(1st August 17)
And now I slowly try to heal, picking up my broken pieces, my shattered soul, my crushed heart.
It's only a casualty of my insane depth of feelings. I let my feelings overwhelm me, crash through me, and the result was abandonment, rejection, being pushed away and ignored.
I tell you you're everything to me.
I tell you that I need you.
I tell you everything I feel, the depth of it all.
I suffocate under it.
It kills me slowly.
... And you don't see it. You ignore it. You don't care.
I tell you that I love you. I tell you that I miss you. I tell you that I need you. I need you. I need you. I am all but begging for you to notice, to feel me, to simply show me that you also love me, miss me, and need me. Show me that there's some small space that is empty without me. Show me that I give you something that you need, something that you can't get anywhere else. Show me that I make a difference. Show me that I am not just some girl who plays no part in your life. Show me that I have a place in your heart. Show me that I'm important to you. Show me that you care. Show me that you really do need me, not only physically but in every other capacity.
You are a part of me. You're my heart. Everything I do happens with you in my mind. Everything I feel is related to you.
You don't just hurt me, you show me that there is little empathy when it comes to me. You see me as unworthy of your time, thoughts and feelings.
Perhaps you think I was being dramatic when I was only opening up myself to everything I feel, which is normal. When a person feels the way I feel it's only normal to be overwhelmed by it. To feel it so completely that it overrides all other senses. My whole body vibrates with its intensity. It's more than love. It's more than the words "I miss you". I give every part of me. You have more in me than you can imagine. And you don't want or need it. That's the truth.
You simply don't understand me. You don't see me.
You only need some of my love, not all of it. You only need some of my time, not all of it. You only want the parts of me that are strong, you can't handle my weakness. And that is why when I am at my weakest you reject me. You look past my pain. You look away from my tears. You ignore me when I'm broken. You only want me when I'm whole and smiling and "normal".
The open, raw, gush of pure unhindered emotion is what you don't want.
I'm not sure I can take being kicked when I'm down. I need to feel supported when I'm weak. I need to be loved completely. Through my pain. Through my breaks. Through my slow failings of reason. I need compassion, patience, understanding, empathy...
I need a man who isn't afraid of me when I'm weak. Who is strong enough to hold me when I'm breaking, who wants to be there for me when I'm in the most need of kindness. All I wanted was love. All I needed was to be held together until I could breathe. All I needed was you. And you couldn't give me that.
We are in this thing together. I give you everything that I need in return. There's nothing I ask for that I'm not prepared to give. In fact there is a lot I give that I would never ask for.
Do you think I would abandon you if you were broken? Do you think I'd ignore your feelings and focus on myself? Do you think I would make you feel alone when you needed me the most?
You have hurt me in ways you can't understand. I suspect you don't even know you've hurt me.
I'm only a woman.
I'm half of our whole. But you make me feel like I have no place in your world. I'm broken. I came to you with my pieces in my hands, crying because I was in pain, shivering with cold, fragile, alone, and you weren't there.
In the aftermath, when the storm passed and I tried to fix myself, I came to you ... And you were cold. You didn't care. You didn't even acknowledge my words... My small feeble attempts to get close to you. I needed your warmth. I needed your love. I needed you because you're my boyfriend. Not some random person I unloaded my feelings on to. You're the reason i feel the way I feel. You're at the centre of it all. You're the cause of my feelings, you're the one who I love to the point of insanity. You're the one I miss to the point where I can't breathe without you. You're the one who I think about, care about, and love with such crushing force that it breaks me. You're mine. I'm yours. But you only want me when I'm not in need of you.
And now I can't bring myself to tell you I love you, even though it's all I feel. Even though the feelings are still there and I can't help myself... I can't say them because you'll flippantly say that you love me more and that in itself hurts because how is it even possible?
Because that would mean that in your eyes the love you give to me is more than what I give to you... And i feel that nothing could be further from the truth. I wish it were not true. I wish I could feel that we give to each other equally, but we don't.
You couldn't possibly love me more.
So I keep my words to myself. I keep what I feel inside. And you wonder why I feel the need to hide. This is why. This is the reason why I can't share myself fully with you. Not because I don't try. But because you can't understand or see it. Imagine if I gave you all of my love, in its pure undiluted form... you'd leave me.
I'm your girlfriend, I haven't identified myself as that before. I haven't been wanted in that way before. You claimed me as yours. You wanted me. And I didn't fight it, I let myself fall in love with you in every sense and meaning of the word. Maybe if you'd known what being loved by me would be like, you wouldn't have chosen me.
I love you. And it hurts.
(1st August 17)
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