18.12.16
In silence I have fallen; the old insular darkness has risen once again to claim what's always belonged to it. I am lost.
Surrendering to the complete unfamiliarity of everything. What I have been anticipating, looking forward to, and being so excited about has evaporated. I'm left feeling cold, alone and in unfamiliar territory.
Is it me? Have I switched over into something that can feel nothing, and thinks on levels too deep to speak about?
Or is it him? Or is it us?
I'm starting to see beyond the small bubble that I've been occupying, and I don't fit. I'm simply wrong.
I have hours upon hours alone. Sundered by such a small space, yet at this moment it feels like we're strangers. I know nothing, and it's my fault; I never ask... Too afraid of the answers that I know will haunt me, and will lead to me pulling away simply because I would feel unable to compare. Smaller than he realizes. Less than the others.
My thoughts take me to places that trap me, and I sink into them unwillingly, yet unable to escape.
The depth is missing. A connection that goes deeper than words, deeper than flesh. A connection that goes into one's soul. That's what's been missing. I am not sure if it was there and then left, or if it was never there, or if all things so far led to this point, and now it's time for something more.
Have I bared my soul? Have I shed my layers and allowed myself to be scrutinized? Have I been able to cast light on my scars as well as my strengths? Have I shown all there is to be seen?
Have I given all I have? Is there more to give?
I'm unsure of what's coming... But I know I'll look it in the eye when it does.
At this moment I'm just a girl, nothing more, nothing less. Empty, void of emotion, void of thought but the ones that make it past the walls and into words.
Words... Always words... Thoughts like smoke I can't make sense of, emotions that dissolve like wine through blood and blood through wine.
Ask me where my mind is and I'll tell you it's spinning words and thoughts at a million beats per minute; ask me where my heart is and I'll show you the space it occupies, where it races and falters to unsteady stops and pauses at the shadows that cross your forehead, and the echoes of words in your eyes...
Your eyes... The depths of the ocean hide less than what I see haunting your eyes, and mine shine with unshed tears, but I don't have the courage to ask. I feel like I'm halfway out of the door, and what right do I have to ask?
You used to miss me. Your eyes lingered over me with a hunger that was like electric shocks to my system. Your hands sought me and held me, and made me feel wanted beyond a doubt.
You used to make me feel like I was something...
I know that I haven't done anything to make you feel less wanted... I remember that first night... My shyness, my awkwardness, my fear, and I know you saw none of it.
That first night... Some parts are clearer than others... But what I know for sure is that desire cools, even though I miss it... But one alone can't change anything. And if one alone can see the difference, and doesn't have the courage to speak up, if that one alone fears the backlash, and the scrutiny, and the questioning, and the feeling of being interrogated which causes panic... Then I'll keep it inside.
That first night... And now here I am... Feeling as though I'm on the brink of a fall, and I don't know what could save me.
I'm shutting down, silence claiming me, and maybe I should do something, maybe I should hold back, or maybe I should give more... Maybe I've suffocated him, and maybe space isn't wanted. Maybe I've gone too far... Maybe love is too much...
Maybe love is too much...
Should I change? Should I give less? Should I hold my hands close to my sides in fists and resist the urge to reach out and touch everywhere I can reach? Should I resist the desire to open my arms as wide as I can and pull him as close as I possibly can? Should I resist the need to tilt my chin up and offer kisses that I can never give enough of, nor receive enough of? Should I resist the need to drop kisses wherever I can reach? Should I simply hold everything in, and keep my heart veiled, and my emotions coiled within me? Should I stop being me, and turn cold? Should I reign in my passion and heat of desire?
Is that what would be required? Is that what I should start doing?
The only problem is that I can't.
I'm a barely contained fireball, aching to ignite. I'm unbridled passion that's always needed an outlet. I'm a tangle of impossible emotions, and all I want is to give all I can.
But... My mind is quiet, and all I can do is write. My lips don't move, and my voice is quiet, and I say nothing, but inside me I'm a roiling, tumbling sea of emotion that I can't contain or control. It spills out in words... Always words, always words that no one sees or hears. Words that echo inside me, crushing me, crashing through me like wrecking balls, distorting my view, blurring my vision.
All I am is words... And words aren't enough.
In silence I have fallen; the old insular darkness has risen once again to claim what's always belonged to it. I am lost.
Surrendering to the complete unfamiliarity of everything. What I have been anticipating, looking forward to, and being so excited about has evaporated. I'm left feeling cold, alone and in unfamiliar territory.
Is it me? Have I switched over into something that can feel nothing, and thinks on levels too deep to speak about?
Or is it him? Or is it us?
I'm starting to see beyond the small bubble that I've been occupying, and I don't fit. I'm simply wrong.
I have hours upon hours alone. Sundered by such a small space, yet at this moment it feels like we're strangers. I know nothing, and it's my fault; I never ask... Too afraid of the answers that I know will haunt me, and will lead to me pulling away simply because I would feel unable to compare. Smaller than he realizes. Less than the others.
My thoughts take me to places that trap me, and I sink into them unwillingly, yet unable to escape.
The depth is missing. A connection that goes deeper than words, deeper than flesh. A connection that goes into one's soul. That's what's been missing. I am not sure if it was there and then left, or if it was never there, or if all things so far led to this point, and now it's time for something more.
Have I bared my soul? Have I shed my layers and allowed myself to be scrutinized? Have I been able to cast light on my scars as well as my strengths? Have I shown all there is to be seen?
Have I given all I have? Is there more to give?
I'm unsure of what's coming... But I know I'll look it in the eye when it does.
At this moment I'm just a girl, nothing more, nothing less. Empty, void of emotion, void of thought but the ones that make it past the walls and into words.
Words... Always words... Thoughts like smoke I can't make sense of, emotions that dissolve like wine through blood and blood through wine.
Ask me where my mind is and I'll tell you it's spinning words and thoughts at a million beats per minute; ask me where my heart is and I'll show you the space it occupies, where it races and falters to unsteady stops and pauses at the shadows that cross your forehead, and the echoes of words in your eyes...
Your eyes... The depths of the ocean hide less than what I see haunting your eyes, and mine shine with unshed tears, but I don't have the courage to ask. I feel like I'm halfway out of the door, and what right do I have to ask?
You used to miss me. Your eyes lingered over me with a hunger that was like electric shocks to my system. Your hands sought me and held me, and made me feel wanted beyond a doubt.
You used to make me feel like I was something...
I know that I haven't done anything to make you feel less wanted... I remember that first night... My shyness, my awkwardness, my fear, and I know you saw none of it.
That first night... Some parts are clearer than others... But what I know for sure is that desire cools, even though I miss it... But one alone can't change anything. And if one alone can see the difference, and doesn't have the courage to speak up, if that one alone fears the backlash, and the scrutiny, and the questioning, and the feeling of being interrogated which causes panic... Then I'll keep it inside.
That first night... And now here I am... Feeling as though I'm on the brink of a fall, and I don't know what could save me.
I'm shutting down, silence claiming me, and maybe I should do something, maybe I should hold back, or maybe I should give more... Maybe I've suffocated him, and maybe space isn't wanted. Maybe I've gone too far... Maybe love is too much...
Maybe love is too much...
Should I change? Should I give less? Should I hold my hands close to my sides in fists and resist the urge to reach out and touch everywhere I can reach? Should I resist the desire to open my arms as wide as I can and pull him as close as I possibly can? Should I resist the need to tilt my chin up and offer kisses that I can never give enough of, nor receive enough of? Should I resist the need to drop kisses wherever I can reach? Should I simply hold everything in, and keep my heart veiled, and my emotions coiled within me? Should I stop being me, and turn cold? Should I reign in my passion and heat of desire?
Is that what would be required? Is that what I should start doing?
The only problem is that I can't.
I'm a barely contained fireball, aching to ignite. I'm unbridled passion that's always needed an outlet. I'm a tangle of impossible emotions, and all I want is to give all I can.
But... My mind is quiet, and all I can do is write. My lips don't move, and my voice is quiet, and I say nothing, but inside me I'm a roiling, tumbling sea of emotion that I can't contain or control. It spills out in words... Always words, always words that no one sees or hears. Words that echo inside me, crushing me, crashing through me like wrecking balls, distorting my view, blurring my vision.
All I am is words... And words aren't enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment