Show Me Love

Discontent brews inside me like a slow cloud of darkness, it fills me slowly. I am aware of it when I am at my weakest.
I see it clearly.

I know I haven't been perfect, but I never claimed to be.

I hide.

Do you wish you were where I am when we are not together? Do you miss me at all?

Do you look for me in the spaces of your mind, or in pictures? Or do your eyes seek another? I find no solace in time, nor peace in the space of your absence. I find only small doubts that all flicker in the light of your small actions and words.

I have gone cold by trying to stop myself from feeling the emptiness and sadness that fills me when I think of all the things that show me that what I fear is true...

But if I'm temporary, then why keep me? Why let me stay and try to give you everything I can, when you pull away and withdraw?

I know my sins are great, but is it possible for you to forgive me? To still love me? Is it possible for you to hold me when I'm at my worst?

Can you find it inside you to love me the way I need to be loved? Can you look beyond my flaws and into me? Right into me? Can you attempt to understand me?

And what does it matter anymore?

Being alone and away from you has shown me that I survive with difficulty when separated from you for too long. It's also shown me that you're perfectly fine without me.  That distance and time make no difference. It has shown me that when I am falling apart, you will still do what you need to do,  even if I need you. I wouldn't have been so selfish as to keep you from sleeping, but I needed you.

I needed you; I don't know if you knew it or not. I know that I couldn't ask for you to stay.

I know that I wanted you, I needed to feel that you were close, that you love me... I needed to feel missed, wanted... Needed... Cared for... Safe.

I don't feel safe.  I feel replaceable. I feel like an outsider.  I feel like I'm a stranger to you. But unlike a stranger, you're not excited anymore; being with me has become routine. I'm invisible. You no longer see me as a woman who is beautiful, strong, fierce and a mystery. You've lost interest. You simply stopped seeing me.

I don't feel fulfilled or satisfied... I feel empty... The question is: do I only feel this way when we are apart? Or do I feel like this when I'm with you?

I know I've felt it. I know you've hurt me in many ways. I know I've taken it and said nothing...

But, my love, small hurts are like needles, pushing doubts deeper and deeper into my skin, my heart and my mind. Until they are all I can taste, and all I can see.

They sting... Even if you say you were joking... There's always truth there behind it. There's always the thought.

When I decided to surprise you at headquarters when I got pulled off KL, I was so nervous. I was worried that you wouldn't be happy to see me.

When I told you I would have been happy just to see you for 5 minutes, and waking up in the middle of the night and the long bus ride would have been worth it... I should have guessed you'd make it into a joke... But it hurt. It hurt to the point where I thought about getting out. Just to prove a point. That words hurt, that I was already feeling anxious because I didn't know if I'd be welcome, and it's a feeling of rejection.

Instead of being hugged, I was being pushed away.

So a part of me wanted to leave. I wanted to run and hide in shame because I saw it as a trespass. I wasn't supposed to be there. I wasn't supposed to be there, but I was... And I felt bad about it. I felt small and awkward again... Two feelings that I feel a lot.

I don't know what you want. I don't know how you feel. I don't know anything.

All I know is that it's been weeks since you've told me that you miss me. You say you love me, but it sounds like an afterthought. You swap onto flights that give us less time together... It feels like you're avoiding me.

If you're trying to avoid me then just leave me... Don't keep hurting me.