This is not meant to be easy.
I've taken the soft route where I drift peacefully along the path of no resistance, I allow myself to indulge in the lighter side and avoid the hard topics.
I have turned my back on the big issues and skimmed around them. I've been childish, and that has in itself been true to half of my nature.
Here I face the hard places. Here I stand and stop and face my fears. Here I state my innermost thoughts that I've run from and tried to ignore. Here I face my internal and external demons and fears. Here I will find the poison that's hurting me and attempt an exorcism.
It is likely to be ugly, brutal and dark. It is, after all the other side of me. Of my world, of my life and my mind. It's the things that are hurting me.
...
- My fear of prying.
This is one that I've been trying to fathom, explain, and understand for ages.
It's first because it's on my mind all the time.
I don't ask questions, I don't pry, I don't try to break into places that are locked. I don't open things that aren't mine. I don't touch what's not mine. This goes for everything. From the physical world of rooms, cupboards, drawers, and belongings, to the intangible world of minds, thoughts, history and memory.
If I'm not invited to look inside then I will firmly remain outside. I can't move past the threshold without being asked to. It's a block. Occasionally, if it's sprung on me without warning I panic; filled with fear, and the feeling that the time isn't right.
This is harder to explain, and I'm still trying to understand it, so I'll leave it for now, and try not to force it. With time it'll come.
___
- inferiority and embarrassment
This is a tough one. It's so deeply ingrained that I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over it.
It manifests in many ways. Some of them are:
A belief that I'm in many ways inferior to others; the reasons that caused that feeling are also many.
I've taken the soft route where I drift peacefully along the path of no resistance, I allow myself to indulge in the lighter side and avoid the hard topics.
I have turned my back on the big issues and skimmed around them. I've been childish, and that has in itself been true to half of my nature.
Here I face the hard places. Here I stand and stop and face my fears. Here I state my innermost thoughts that I've run from and tried to ignore. Here I face my internal and external demons and fears. Here I will find the poison that's hurting me and attempt an exorcism.
It is likely to be ugly, brutal and dark. It is, after all the other side of me. Of my world, of my life and my mind. It's the things that are hurting me.
...
- My fear of prying.
This is one that I've been trying to fathom, explain, and understand for ages.
It's first because it's on my mind all the time.
I don't ask questions, I don't pry, I don't try to break into places that are locked. I don't open things that aren't mine. I don't touch what's not mine. This goes for everything. From the physical world of rooms, cupboards, drawers, and belongings, to the intangible world of minds, thoughts, history and memory.
If I'm not invited to look inside then I will firmly remain outside. I can't move past the threshold without being asked to. It's a block. Occasionally, if it's sprung on me without warning I panic; filled with fear, and the feeling that the time isn't right.
This is harder to explain, and I'm still trying to understand it, so I'll leave it for now, and try not to force it. With time it'll come.
___
- inferiority and embarrassment
This is a tough one. It's so deeply ingrained that I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over it.
It manifests in many ways. Some of them are:
A belief that I'm in many ways inferior to others; the reasons that caused that feeling are also many.
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