Hush

Hold your tongue, lock up your words in silent vaults and tombs.
Build up the walls, construct the dams, seal the cracks with blood and longing.
Confusion reigns, it plagues and creates such loneliness within me.

Loneliness, while talking to the one I love is difficult and painful.
Unable to explain what it is that I need, I say nothing instead.

In saying nothing I fear he'll think I don't miss him, when it's the opposite that is true.
When missing him is a suffering I endure with the promise of kisses and other delights.
When loving him is my heart exploding within me and being unable to show how it hurts.
When all I need is him.
So I say nothing, I hold back my words and my fears, my feelings and my thoughts, my pain and my frustration. I hold back the emotions and the strength of my desire... I hold it all in, say nothing, because there's nothing to say.
He knows that I love him. He knows that there's nowhere I would rather be than in his arms. He knows that my heart is his for as long as he wants it.
There's nothing else to say.

I'm afraid of being too much.

Especially when I'm here. I'm needy, demanding, I want constant company. I'm jealous, I'm irritable, I feel like a bird with clipped wings. I want attention, I want to know that I'm not forgotten. I need reassurance that I'm still remembered.

I'm afraid.

I don't want to be a burden, I can fix myself in time. I also want to know that if I fall apart he won't leave me. I need him to be able to hold me together and patch me up. I need him to see my broken bones, my bruises and scars and to not hate me for them... To love me in spite of them... To love me because of them. To love me through all the pain that I hold inside me, and through all the things I've suffered through. I need him to make me feel safe... To know that he will stay with me... I need him to have my back... I need him to not leave me vulnerable, in the cold, alone...

What I need is too much to ask for.

My heart is huge and I give everything that I desire to receive. It's nothing I don't already offer.

... This was my prison. It still feels like it is. I have no motivation to leave the gates.

This was my prison.

All I ask for is time, for words, for physical closeness, for emotional support... Already the list is too long, and what right do I have to ask for any of it?

You have too much on your mind as  it is. I can't add to it. I'm supposed to help you with it. I'm supposed to be your support, your strength... I am supposed to be the sharer of your burden, not a burden myself.

I try to stay small, to be easy... My issues come through and make that difficult.

I need more. He has no more to give.

That's how it feels.