Lost in the Quiet Place

It happens slowly.

I reach out when I'm at my weakest. I speak the truths I've always thought were too heavy, the things I think about.

I speak of my perception, my feelings, in an attempt to ask for help. I reach out and risk my heart. I am vulnerable. I am weak. I need you.

I need you.

But you can't understand me. You make light of it and I force a smile..  a sad smile of knowledge... I don't think you will ever understand me.

I sink further into myself.

I need you more than ever. I need to feel that you're there for me... I need to feel loved. I need to feel just a little bit of tenderness ... a kind word ... tell me you love me anyway.. tell me you miss me ... tell me you can't wait to be with me... don't make me feel abandoned here... stranded here alone. Don't make me feel that coming back to me is part of coming back to work...  can you make me feel special?

My heart hurts. I'm withdrawing into myself. Pulling myself in tighter. Curling up to keep myself warm. Protecting myself from the world around me.

You can't possibly need me the way I need you, miss me more than I miss you... love me more than I love you... because if you did ... I would feel it.
I would know ...

I'm not pushing you away... I'm hoping you'll see what's happening to me. I'm hoping you'll try to love me through it. Just show me that you care.

That's all I need from you. Three simple words. I can't ask for them. They have to be given willingly.

I know you disregard my emotions as small, insignificant problems. I know you think I make a big deal out of nothing. I know you don't know how to handle me.

These  are things I can't show you. I can't teach you how to love me. How to hold me. How to make me feel safe and loved and cared for.

What hurt me most was when you said that you feel this way sometimes . ... But you never told me. I have also failed to give you what you needed... And for me that was a crushing blow.  I only ever wanted to give you everything. Love, support, a warm embrace at the end of a long day...

I've failed ...

My world is imploding. Sucked into my core. I'm left in silence.

I don't need other people to want me or tell me I'm pretty or sexy...i don't want to be watched by strangers... I want you. I want to strip for you. Open myself up for you. I want to be wanted by you...
You have me. All of me. You own me.

You don't realise just how much I'm giving you.