I sit here, my mind and my heart in turmoil... I feel as though I walk on thin ice... I don't know if I'm supposed to be here...
I don't like not knowing. I like being sure of my position. I like feeling safe. This trembling on the edge of the unknown is new. This vulnerability and opening myself up to potential... What?
Potential hurt, potential... That feeling where I'm stripped down and shown that I'm nothing... That potential. I'm here though... Because if I wasn't then that would be the beginning of the end... I truly believe that.
If I hadn't come here tonight, facing my fear of rejection, of humiliation (that's the word I was looking for), if I hadn't come here then I would have regretted it. It would have been a mistake. And it would have had repercussions that would ripple through the following days, weeks and months...
So I'm here... Maybe where I am not supposed to be... But I'm here anyway. I'm here because it's where I'm meant to be. Because even though I feel like my insides are shaking and I have no idea what is up from down and I've worked my way into a panic where nothing makes much sense... I'm here. Because even if I'm not wanted... I'm here. And there can be no doubt as to what I want.
And maybe that's what matters tonight... To prove that I know what I want, and where I want to be.
I don't like not knowing. I like being sure of my position. I like feeling safe. This trembling on the edge of the unknown is new. This vulnerability and opening myself up to potential... What?
Potential hurt, potential... That feeling where I'm stripped down and shown that I'm nothing... That potential. I'm here though... Because if I wasn't then that would be the beginning of the end... I truly believe that.
If I hadn't come here tonight, facing my fear of rejection, of humiliation (that's the word I was looking for), if I hadn't come here then I would have regretted it. It would have been a mistake. And it would have had repercussions that would ripple through the following days, weeks and months...
So I'm here... Maybe where I am not supposed to be... But I'm here anyway. I'm here because it's where I'm meant to be. Because even though I feel like my insides are shaking and I have no idea what is up from down and I've worked my way into a panic where nothing makes much sense... I'm here. Because even if I'm not wanted... I'm here. And there can be no doubt as to what I want.
And maybe that's what matters tonight... To prove that I know what I want, and where I want to be.
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